(Mother’s Day is this weekend and I am teasing my husband about what he should get me as a gift…)
Me: “Honey, Mother’s Day is this weekend.”
Husband: “Hmm…”
Me: *dramatically* “You need to do something to show your love for me!”
Husband: “Like what?!”
Me: *in a breathy voice, to teen daughter, who’s just walked in* “What should your father do to show his love for me?”
Teen Daughter: *glaring & in a deadpan voice* “Not touch you in any way, shape, or form.”
(I am running my third and final gaming event at the con. It is a superhero game where all the characters have powers based on mythological creatures. One of the players is new to role playing.)
Me: “It’s sort of like when we were kids and played cops and robbers or whatever. You each have a character and we say what your character does while playing the bad guys, the helpless citizens and the person sending you on these adventures.”
New Player: “So what are the dice and the rules for? You didn’t need rules as kids.”
Me: “Remember when you would get into those situations where someone would say ‘Bang, you’re dead,’ and the immediate response was ‘Nuh uh, I have a bullet proof vest,’ followed by ‘Well, I shot you in the head,’ then ‘You were aiming too low’? At which point it devolves into ‘Yes, you are!’ ‘No, I’m not!’ The rules keep that from happening at least as much as possible. Plus there’s the other thing.”
New Player: “What other thing?”
Me: “Eventually, you’re going to be playing one of these games and roll what that game considers to be a really high number. After all the other rolls you’ve seen it’ll make you feel like ‘Oooo, look how awesome I am.’ I mean it’s just an arbitrary number rolled on one or more dice in a make-believe game, but when it happens you’ll feel like the most awesome person in the room.”
(Later in the game the character she chose, a female marine with dragon based powers, decides to make a strafing run on the banshee-like aliens they’re fighting. She rolls to hit and gets the absolute best possible result.)
New Player: *without thinking about it* “Ooooooh!”
Rest Of The Table: “One of us. One of us. One of us.”
(I work at a major bookstore and it is New Year’s Day. We are open, but business is fairly slow. I am at the registers along with one other co-worker. We work through a line of people that never reaches more than three people long. A gruff man comes up to me to check out.)
Customer: “About d*** time. I was in that line forever.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, sir. This is the busiest it has been all day. Luckily we have two people working the registers.”
Customer: “Well, why the f*** do you have 10 registers and only two of you working them?”
Me: “We never really need all of them unless it’s the week before Christmas. We can work through a line pretty fast. Sorry you had to wait so long.”
(My customer looks at the elderly couple checking out next to me as they write a check.)
Customer: “It’s because all of these f****** are using their checkbooks and crap like that. Makes it last longer.”
(I usually kinda joke it off if a customer makes a racy remark, but just stare blankly at him.)
Me: “Yeah, well, your total is [total].”
(Customer digs through his wallet and pocket to get several bills that are mostly wadded up. He begins to huff loudly as I try to straighten them all out.)
Customer: “Maybe it’s the f****** cashiers that make the lines last so long.”
(I deliberately took my sweet time handing him back the change.)
Related:
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 4
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 3
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2
In Line And Out Of Line
This story is part of the New Year’s Day roundup!
Read the next New Year’s Day roundup story!
Read the New Year’s Day roundup!
(I work in a shop that has a cat. This cat does not like dogs and will attack them. The boss used to allows dogs that could be carried but has recently started sporadically enforcing an unposted “no dogs” rule. While I’m out of sight shelving, I hear her.)
Boss: “I’m sorry, but you can’t bring that dog in here. We have a cat and he doesn’t like dogs. Your dog is going to have to leave.”
(I walk out from behind the shelves and see a lady standing outside — with a dog with a very obvious service dog vest.)
Me: “Did you just make that service dog leave?”
Boss: “Yeah, he was upsetting [Cat].”
Me: “You do know that’s illegal, right?”
Boss: “No, it isn’t!”
Me: “Uh, yeah. ADA.”
Boss: “Well, I didn’t know that.”
(She’s owned this business for 15 years!)
This story is part of our Service Animals roundup!
Read the next Service Animals Roundup story!
Read the Service Animals Roundup!
(I’m working as a cashier on Black Friday. A man cuts to the front of the line with an armful of clothing.)
Me: “Uh, sir, you’ll have to go to the back of the line. I’m sorry.”
Rude Customer: “F*** that! No way I’m waiting that long! Just make it quick!”
Me: “No, sir. You just cut the line, and I won’t serve you.”
Rude Customer: “Oh, f*** you! Just do your job already! You’re only making this take longer!”
(At this point, the customer he cut in front of, a man in his early 20s, speaks up, quietly and calmly.)
Calm Customer: “Just go back and wait in line, man. Stop being a d**k.”
Rude Customer: “F*** y-”
(The rude customer rounds on the calm one as he speaks, raising his hand in what may or may not have been an attempt at a backhand. Regardless, the calm customer catches his arm, twists it, and slams the rude customer’s face into the counter hard enough for it to make an audible thunk through the clothes. The entire time, the calm customer remains stone-faced.)
Rude Customer: “Ow! A**hole! Lemme go! You can’t do this!”
Calm Customer: “Texas law says I can use lethal force if I’m attacked.”
(He twists the man’s arm a little more, causing him to cry out.)
Calm Customer: “You don’t want that, do you?”
Rude Customer: “Ow! No! Just lemme go!”
Calm Customer: “Where are you going to go?”
Rude Customer: “Back of the line! Back of the line!”
Calm Customer: “And are you going to be patient? And polite?”
Rude Customer: “Yeah, man! Sure!”
Calm Customer: “Apologize to the nice young lady, now.”
Rude Customer: *starting to cry slightly* “I’m sorry! I’m sorrryyyyy!”
(The calm customer released the rude one, who almost looked like he was going to attack again. One look at the calm customer’s completely emotionless face seemed to make him think twice, though, and he grabbed his clothes and scampered back to the end of the line.)
Related:
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 3
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2
In Line And Out Of Line
This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!
Read the next Black Friday roundup story!
Read the Black Friday roundup!
