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Some Computer Owners Just Can’t Hack It

, , , , , | Right | April 12, 2010

(A customer walks up to the counter and sets a plastic shopping bag down.)

Customer: “You have to help me!”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to assist you, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Customer: “I’m being hacked! You have to get them to stop using my computer!”

Me: “Do you have your computer with you so that I can see what’s going on?”

(She just turns the bag upside down. Parts of a laptop spill everywhere: motherboard, LCD panel, hinges, keyboard, palm rest, etc.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? Why did you dismantle your computer?”

Customer: “That’s the only way to get them to stop! When computers are powered down, they aren’t really off! Those people in India are hacking into them while you have them off and are using it to teach their kids how to speak English! That’s why jobs are outsourced!”

Me: “I really don’t think I can help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, put my computer back together! I have a warranty with you people. I’ll get the FBI or police to help me with the hackers.”

Me: “Our warranty does not cover you taking apart your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, my God! You’re one of the people helping those hackers, aren’t you?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Aren’t you?!”

This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

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Copyright Meets Copywrong, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2010

(I am creating a business card for a customer. She hands me a picture to scan to use on the card.)

Me: “Ma’am, this photo is copyrighted by whoever took it.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. You can still use it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t use it without the permission of the photographer.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, you can just cross out the copyright on the back of the picture and then use it! It’ll be okay.”

Me: “Do you have another picture you would like to use?”

(She hands me the same picture but with a piece of paper taped over the copyright on the back.)

Customer: “Here. Now you can use it.”

Me: “Ma’am, just because the copyright is covered now doesn’t mean it’s not copyrighted anymore. We could be fined $50,000 if we used this. If you can get the permission of the person who took this or another picture we can do this for you.”

Customer: “What kind of business is this?”

This story is part of the Customers-Are-Bad-Photographers roundup!

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Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | April 2, 2010

(Due to a power outage, all movies have stopped. After employees visit each theater to tell customers what is happening, the power comes back on.)

Me: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to get your movie back on screen in just a moment.”

(The movie starts up. Unfortunately, when a projector gets cut off in the middle of the movie, it is about two minutes later in the film than when the power cut out.)

Customer: “Rewind the movie!”

Me: “I’m sorry, there is no way to rewind a film, sir.”

Customer: “Just use the remote!”

Me: “Sir, movies on film are not like DVDs or VHS tapes. You cannot simply rewind it.”

Customer: “Shut up and give me the remote. I’ll do it!”

Social (Network) Security

, , | Right | March 30, 2010

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer #1: *hands me a credit card*

Me: “Thanks. I just need to see a photo ID with this.”

Customer #1: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “Well, do you have a school, work, or military ID? Pretty much any way to match your name and face will work.”

Customer #1: “No, I don’t have… Wait!”

(The customer digs in her purse and pulls out a phone.)

Customer #1: “I have a Facebook; will that work?”

(The customer pulls up her account and shows it to me.)

Me: “Well, I guess for today, but next time we’ll need a physical ID.”

(The customer finishes paying and the next customer steps up.)

Customer #2: “Now just to let you know I don’t have my ID either, but I do have a MySpace.”

TV On Demanding

, , , , , | Right | March 10, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Satellite Company]. How can I be of assistance?”

Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”

Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”

Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”

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