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Debt Collection Is All That It Is Cracked Up To Be

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2010

Me: “Hello, may I please speak to Jane Doe?”

Customer: “Which one? One’s my wife and one’s my sister.”

Me: “Jane L. Doe.”

Customer: “That’s my sister. She’s a crackhead. We don’t associate with her anymore. She still owes me hundreds of dollars.”

Me: “Well, do you know anyone who could get in touch with her? Maybe your parents?”

Customer: “My parents don’t talk to her anymore either. And even if they did, I don’t want to hassle them over my good-for-nothing crackhead of a sister. Why do you want to talk to her?”

Me: “I need to speak with her regarding the property on [address].”

Customer: “That’s my house. What Jane Doe did you say you were looking for?”

Me: “Jane L. Doe.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s my wife. She’s not a crackhead. She’s at church.”

Waiter Hater

, , , , , | Right | August 17, 2010

(A man and his girlfriend walk into our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Restaurant]. I’ll be your server tonight.”

Customer: “Yeah. What happened to your nose?”

(I instinctively touch my nose to feel if anything is wrong with it.)

Customer: “Gotcha! I made you touch your nose.”

Me: “Yes, very amusing, sir. Now may I interest you in–”

Customer: “Your zipper is undone.”

Me: “Oh, but I’m not wearing pants with a zipper.”

Customer: “But you probably didn’t notice your pants are split open!”

Customer’s Girlfriend: “I’m sorry. I should have just left him at home with a bowl of kibble and water.”


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Can’t See The Wood In The Trees

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2010

( I am ringing up a customer. I pick up a plastic bag and hold it up.)

Me: “Do you need a bag?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I’ll save a tree.”

Me: *jokingly* “Yeah, those plastic trees are really endangered.”

Customer: *looking shocked and worried* “They are?!”


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The Problem With Dirty Words

, , , | Right | August 2, 2010

Me: “How can I help you?”

Caller: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Caller: “Your company just did some landscaping for us and the dirt that you put in is dirty.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “The dirt is dirty.”

Me: “Is there trash or rocks in the dirt?”

Caller: “No, the dirt is just really dirty.”

Me: “So you want us to come out and replace the dirty dirt with clean dirt?”

Caller: “Yes, and I need it done as soon as possible. I don’t want it to make the rest of my dirt dirty, too.”


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Short Cake, Tall Order

, , , , | Right | July 17, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a cake made. Can you make a cake in about twenty minutes?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we have no available decorators at this time. I can certainly take an order for tomorrow morning, however.”

Customer: “No! That’s unacceptable! I refuse to be treated differently just because I’m Jewish!”

Me: “I’m also a Jew, but the issue is that I don’t have the proper training to make a cake for you at this time. I can place an order for you but can do little more than that.”

Customer: “No, forget it. I refuse to be discriminated like this! I’m leaving!”

Me: “Have a nice day, and happy Hanukkah!”

Customer: “What the h*** is Hanukkah?!”