(My sister and her family are currently living with us, which results in some hilarious moments when her toddlers, ages two and four, get into things. This happens with the two-year-old. She always brings us our things when she finds them, from phones to shoes.)

Sister: “Yeah, [Sister’s Husband] was just saying– does [Two-Year-Old] have your vape?!”

Mom: “What?!”

(They both run to the living room as I’m bent over, talking to my other niece.)

Me: “[Four-Year-Old], do you want to play Barbies?”

Four-Year-Old: “[Two-Year-Old] got Nana’s vape!”

Mom: “She just hit the button; don’t worry.”

Sister: “No, Mom, she blew smoke out of her d*** mouth! [Two-Year-Old]!”

Mom: *laughing* “What the f***?! She normally brings it to us!”

(By this time, I’m in the living room, doubled over laughing. The two-year-old, who long ago decided I’m her favorite person, waddles up to me.)

Two-Year-Old: “[My Name], more!”

Me: “You want more of Nana’s vape?”

Two-Year-Old: “Yeah!” *claps and hops*

Sister: “H***, no! [Sister’s Husband]! [Two-Year-Old] just sucked Mom’s f****** vape!”

(None of us have any idea how my niece managed to successfully work the vape, but she was unharmed, and this will definitely be a story to tell for years!)

(I’m sitting in one of my classes. One of my classmates is a bit of a jokester and brings up how he ate an entire loaf of French bread for lunch last week.)

Classmate: “Yeah, my parents got kind of mad about that.”

Teacher: “Well, that’s because it doesn’t seem very healthy.”

Classmate: “They weren’t mad at first when I told them. The reason they got mad was because later that day I made a whole bunch of croissants and ate the whole batch.”

(The whole class laughs, including the teacher.)

Teacher: “You need to get some protein into your diet.”

Classmate: “Yeah, I know. That’s why, for lunch today, I ate an entire package of salami.”

I used to be a girl scout. Cookie season rolled around, and my troop was scheduled to sell them outside of a convenience store sometime very early in the year. Of course, this meant it was very cold outside.

Not many people bought cookies or even walked into the store, and we were freezing, tired, and miserable.

After a while, I went into the store to go to the bathroom and warm up a bit. When I came outside, my troop leader was holding several steaming cups of hot chocolate.

I asked her where she had gotten them, and she said that she didn’t buy them. Apparently, a woman had seen us outside the store and decided to buy them for us from a nearby fast food joint. I completely missed her!

Thank you, random woman! You made my dreary day much brighter, and the hot chocolate was delicious.

This story is part of our Girl Scouts roundup!

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(I am “the IT guy” for a large distribution center with lots of automation and machinery. I am checking the wireless network signal in a work module that has three floors of product racks crammed into a two-story building, with conveyor belts running through it to boot. I finish in the back of the module and decide to use the back stairway instead of walking back through the crowded module, but the door is jammed shut. Walking back to the front, I meet the head of security.)

Guard: “Hey, [My Name], did you open that back stairwell door?”

Me: “I tried, but it was stuck and wouldn’t open more than an inch or so.”

Guard: “That’s a fire exit door, so when it gets opened we have an alarm go off in the monitoring station. We would’ve called the fire department, except there was only a single door in alarm.”

Me: “Sorry, didn’t know.”

(There were no “emergency exit” signs on the door, or any other indicators that it was a fire exit. The guard and I begin going our separate ways, then I stop and call back to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Guard], seeing as how that’s a fire exit door, is the fact that it wouldn’t open a problem?”

Guard: *look of startled realization creeps across his face* “I think I’ll call maintenance.”

(I drive the shuttle-bus in between the terminals at the DFW airport.)

Me: *to the passenger standing at the stop* “Good day, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “Did you say terminal C?”

Me: “No, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “So, you are not going to terminal C.”

Me: “No, but if you wait a few minutes, there will be another shuttle that will bring you there.”

Passenger: “Okay, so, where do you go?”

Me: “B and D, B and D. I am going to B and D.”

Passenger: “And not to C, right?”

Me: *trying to stay calm* “Nope, sorry.”

Passenger: “But you will go to C eventually, or not?”

Me: “You are one stop away from terminal C. If you come with me, it will take almost half an hour before we get there. The bus you need will be here in a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: *thinking* “Oh, okay, thanks. So, you are sure you are not going to C after this stop?”

(I closed the door and rapidly drove away.)