Stupidity In Full Bloom

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2021

I work for a gardening company that has multiple companies under it. I work in a chat for all the companies and usually just answer typical gardener questions.

Visitor: “Hi, I have a question about one of your items.”

Me: “Absolutely! How may I assist you today?”

Visitor: “I see here on this iris, it says it comes packaged as ten per package. So how many will I get in each package?”

I have to read the question a few times to be sure I understand. 

Me: “For every 1 (one) package of that iris, you will receive 10 (ten) of the irises.”

Visitor: “But how many exactly?”

Me: “You will receive exactly ten irises.”

Visitor: “I don’t think you understand. If I want one order, how many irises will I receive?”

Me: “If you order one order, you will get ten. If you order two orders, you will get twenty. Multiply each other by ten, and that’s the number of Irises you will receive.”

Visitor: “That doesn’t work if you multiply it by zero.”

Me: “I am very sorry for the confusion, but it does work; if you order zero orders you will receive zero irises.”

Visitor: “I didn’t come here to do math, I came to garden, and you are no help!”

They then disconnected the chat. I still don’t know what I could have said to help.

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The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Pie

, , , , , | Related | July 21, 2021

I visit my mom and stepdad for a few days to celebrate my birthday. For my birthday dinner, I request Cuban sandwiches and to help Mom make an apple pie. Once we’re finished with the sandwiches, Mom and I get to work on the pie. Shortly, the apples are peeled and we’re cutting them into pieces and putting them into the crust. I keep popping pieces into my mouth instead of the pie.

My mom addresses me in a tone that says she knew this was inevitable but she’s still aggravated.

Mom: “You’re supposed to be helping me make the pie!”

Me: “Mom… I’ve been ‘helping’ you make food like this for over thirty years!”

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You Could Just Use The Vacuum In Your Head

, , , , | Working | July 19, 2021

Because large sums of money are routinely stored there, our finance office is kept locked when not in use, and only a limited number of specific people are allowed to have the key.

Head Of Finance: “Our janitors are so lazy. They never vacuum the finance office.”

Me: “Do they have the key?”

Head Of Finance: “No.”

Me: “Do you want them to vacuum while you’re in there working, then?”

Head Of Finance: “No. I want them to stop being so lazy.”

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Staying At The NO-tel 

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

Me: “Hello, [Motel], how can I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, this is [Guest].”

Me: “Ah! Yes, hello.”

Guest: “We talked last night.”

I remember that I did take his reservation last night.

Me: “Ah, yes?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by?”

Me: *Hoping I misheard* “Excuse me?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by my motel room?”

Me: *Louder* “Excuse me?”

He hung up. He, uh… got a very wrong number. My only regret is that I didn’t get a hold of myself quick enough to tell him that we don’t allow visitors.

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Jumper To The Realization

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

I’m waiting in the side lot of a superstore for my groceries to be brought out to my car. It’s so backed up that I wind up waiting a while for my groceries, and during the wait, my car battery dies.

I go around the parking lot for about an hour asking if anyone has jumper cables, but no luck. I call roadside assistance and they say it’ll be about an hour and a half for someone to come out, so I sit on a curb and just wait.

It isn’t long before it dawns on me that, in fact, I am in the parking lot of a store that sells everything I need to get my car running again, so I run inside and buy a $15 set of jumper cables and ask one more car if they could help me jump it, and they agree to help.

Five minutes later, my car is running like new and I’m on my way home. Once I’m settled on my couch, I call the number for roadside assistance to cancel the service, hold for about ten minutes, and finally get a representative.

Me: “Hello! I called earlier and asked for help with a dead car battery. I would just like to cancel that service request.”

Representative: “Okay, sure. For the driver’s report, may I ask why you’d like to cancel?”

Me: “Well, it’s kind of silly, but while I was waiting for the service, it clicked that I was in the parking lot of a store that sold jumper cables, so I just bought some and the car next to me was able to help get me running again. I’m sorry for the trouble, but I’m all set!”

The rep had a good laugh at my slow thinking and was still giggling when she got my request cancelled and disconnected the call.

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