(I am in the drive-thru of a restaurant that specializes in fried chicken tenders. I order a mild tender combo. This happens when I pull up to the window:)

Employee: “That was a four-piece tender combo, with fries, gravy, and a [drink], right?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Employee: “And you wanted those tenders spicy, right?”

Me: “No, mild.”

Employee: “Um… So, like, just slightly spicy?”

Me: “No, not spicy at all. Mild.”

Employee: “We only have original and spicy.”

Me: *restraining myself from slamming my head on the steering wheel* “Original, then.”

(Two customers in their 20s are looking to possibly buy a snake. Toward the end of the conversation about pros and cons of snake ownership, the topic of cage cleaning comes up.)

Me: “Since the snakes are eating once a week at this age, they’re pooping about once a week, which makes clean-up easier.”

Customer #1: “What? Snakes poop?”

Customer #2: *pause* “Yeah. Everything poops.”

Customer #1: “But they don’t have butts!”

Me, Coworker, & Customer #2: “What?”

Coworker: “Yes, they do.”

Customer #1: “That doesn’t seem real!”

(My coworker and I show her the snake’s cloaca — its “butt”.)

Customer #1: “Oh, my God! Snakes have butts!”

([Customers #1 & #2] walk away, with [Customer #1] repeating loudly, and with amazement, “Snakes have butts! Snakes have butts!”)

Me: “I worry about this country’s education system.”

(I’m in my economics class. My class is known for goofing around, but we still do our work. My teacher is sort of laid back with us, so we joke with her about things. Our teacher is giving a lecture until we start getting off topic. I can’t remember how exactly we got to this, but we are talking about death in older people. Also, the teacher has been sick and going to the doctor, and recently had surgery. One girl is talking to the teacher. Everyone can hear her, speaking in a uncaring voice.)

Girl #1: “What’s the point, if you’re going to die, anyway?”

(In a split second everyone turns to her and gasps in shock.)

Classmate #1: “What is wrong with you?!”

Classmate #2: “How can you just say that?!”

Classmate #3: “Wow, [Girl #1]!”

Classmate #4: “What the f***?!”

(The teacher is just shocked, and [Girl #1] realizes what she just said.)

Teacher: “Well, guys, if I’m not here tomorrow… You should know why.”

Girl #1: *stammering* “I mean, we all die in the end.”

Girl #2: “[Girl #1], if your average in the class suddenly goes down, you should know why.”

(This story takes place after I have gotten off work at a well-known box store. I am still wearing the uniform: blue-collared shirt and khaki pants. Since the store I work in doesn’t have a device I am looking for, I go to the electronics store, which features the same colored uniform. At this moment, I’m the section for the devices, comparing prices and specs.)

Customer: “Hello.”

(As I have just gotten off work, my head instinctively goes up and I look around for a few seconds, only to chuckle as I remind myself that I’m just a customer at this store.)

Customer: “Hello!”

(Having finally decided which device I am going to buy, I turn to head out of the aisle and towards games to browse for a little bit while I’m suddenly stopped by a middle-aged man.)

Customer: “Hello! Didn’t you hear me calling for help?! And what do you think you’re doing? You’re not supposed to be shopping!”

(I take a step back in shock as I shake my head a little bit, confused.)

Me: “Huh?” *light bulb* “Oh, sorry, sir! I don’t wo—”

Customer: “Don’t give me that ‘I don’t work here’ bulls***. Why else would you be wearing that getup?!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t wo—”

Customer: “And besides, where’s your name-tag? I want to talk to your manager!”

(Realizing I’m not going to get anywhere with the man, I sigh softly before trying to find an employee, but as I’m walking away…)

Customer: *fuming* “WHAT? YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR RADIO ON YOU, EITHER?!”

(That is loud enough to cause an employee to approach with a confused expression.)

Employee: “Is something wrong here?”

Me: “Yes. This gent—”

Customer: “I WANT YOU TO CALL YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

(With a little bit of reluctance, the employee radios for a manager, forcing me to wait and taking up all of our time. Once the manager shows up, the customer goes into a full rant about how I was rude to him, shopping on the clock, not wearing my name-tag, etc.)

Manager: *finally able to answer* “He doesn’t work here. I’ve seen him at [My Store].”

Customer: “Oh! So, you admit you know he’s moonlighting! What’s your corporate number and your names?!”

(The manager, looking a little uneasy himself now, gives the number and we, just wanting to humor the guy now, give our names as he proceeds to call corporate to have us all fired.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m at your [Location] store, and three of your employees–” *lists our names* “–are prov…”

(I start to tune him out and stare around at other things, wanting to distract myself from the ignorance of the customer until I hear…)

Customer: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A [MY NAME] AT THIS LOCATION? HE’S RIGHT HERE AND COMPLETELY IGNORING ME!”

Me: *now getting pissed off as it’s been at least 15 minutes, if not longer* “I… DO… NOT… WORK… HERE! SEE?!”

(I hope for the best and pull out my store employee discount card. The customer sees that and hangs up, turning red.)

Customer: “WHY THE F*** DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU WORKED AT [BOX STORE]?! AND WHY WOULD YOU BE SHOPPING HERE IF YOU DID?!” *storms out*

Me: “I… tried… Never mind. Well, this’ll be the last time I come here in my [Box Store] outfit. Sorry. Though, would you mind if I headed to the checkout to pay for this?”

Manager: “Sure. Let me get you the ’employee’ discount, too.”

(I chuckled, but sure enough, he ran his card through for me and saved me quite a bit on the device. I have kept my promise and not worn my [Box Store] uniform in [Electronics Store].)

Related:
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 30
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 29
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 28

(I go to a copy and business supply store to have a large map laminated. The map measures 24 inches by 36 inches. Upon learning these dimensions, the clerk tells me:)

Clerk: “I’m sorry. Our widest lamination machine is only 26 inches wide. We can’t help you.”

(I wait a few moments for him to connect the dots, then reply:)

Me: “Well… Can’t you just turn the map sideways and pass the now-24-inch wide map through the machine?”

Clerk: *after a confused moment or two* “Sure! No problem!”