That’s How You Were Bread To Eat

, , , , , | Learning | October 15, 2017

(I’m sitting in one of my classes. One of my classmates is a bit of a jokester and brings up how he ate an entire loaf of French bread for lunch last week.)

Classmate: “Yeah, my parents got kind of mad about that.”

Teacher: “Well, that’s because it doesn’t seem very healthy.”

Classmate: “They weren’t mad at first when I told them. The reason they got mad was because later that day I made a whole bunch of croissants and ate the whole batch.”

(The whole class laughs, including the teacher.)

Teacher: “You need to get some protein into your diet.”

Classmate: “Yeah, I know. That’s why, for lunch today, I ate an entire package of salami.”

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Chocolate Cures Everything

, , , , , , , | Hopeless | October 14, 2017

I used to be a girl scout. Cookie season rolled around, and my troop was scheduled to sell them outside of a convenience store sometime very early in the year. Of course, this meant it was very cold outside.

Not many people bought cookies or even walked into the store, and we were freezing, tired, and miserable.

After a while, I went into the store to go to the bathroom and warm up a bit. When I came outside, my troop leader was holding several steaming cups of hot chocolate.

I asked her where she had gotten them, and she said that she didn’t buy them. Apparently, a woman had seen us outside the store and decided to buy them for us from a nearby fast food joint. I completely missed her!

Thank you, random woman! You made my dreary day much brighter, and the hot chocolate was delicious.

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Unfiltered Story #97613

, | Unfiltered | October 14, 2017

I have been in fire drills, flood drills, mountain lion drills, and gun drills (and the last 2 were real). All of them either lead us to a safe area or locked us in the classroom as was appropriate. One kid fainted from the heat in a middle school fire drill, but that was as exciting as it got.

Until I moved to Texas. A drill was announced in the morning. “Expect it at any time!” They said. A bunch of kids groaned, but I assumed it was because drills are annoying. How wrong I was.

The drill started during lunch. The alarm bells pierced my eardrums and the lights flashed the brightest I’ve ever seen, as fast as I’ve ever seen. I went blind for a minute, just curled on the floor.

The cafeteria workers ignored the bells. I barely heard the only teacher chaperone as he told everyone to get out. We did so, but no one was following anyone. Half the kids went to the parking lot and drove off. The others, most of whom couldn’t drive, gathered on the grass and started having a picnic!

You could still hear those piercing bells. They didn’t stop for 30 minutes. I couldn’t hear properly for the rest of the day.

When the drill was finally over, the teachers came around the picnics, yelling at everyone to get back inside. That took another 30 minutes, and as soon as we were inside, the alarm went on, and off, and on, and off, until they finally stopped it. Funnily enough, the school tardy bell sounded deeper for a few days after that (and it wasn’t just my bad hearing).

Class after the drill was not focused at all. My teachers gave up and just let the class “study” for the rest of the period.

Again, I’ve been through a real mountain lion and gun drill, I’ve stood in black pants in the heat long enough for a kid to faint, but this one was the worst.

One Door Closes, A Realization Opens

, , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(I am “the IT guy” for a large distribution center with lots of automation and machinery. I am checking the wireless network signal in a work module that has three floors of product racks crammed into a two-story building, with conveyor belts running through it to boot. I finish in the back of the module and decide to use the back stairway instead of walking back through the crowded module, but the door is jammed shut. Walking back to the front, I meet the head of security.)

Guard: “Hey, [My Name], did you open that back stairwell door?”

Me: “I tried, but it was stuck and wouldn’t open more than an inch or so.”

Guard: “That’s a fire exit door, so when it gets opened we have an alarm go off in the monitoring station. We would’ve called the fire department, except there was only a single door in alarm.”

Me: “Sorry, didn’t know.”

(There were no “emergency exit” signs on the door, or any other indicators that it was a fire exit. The guard and I begin going our separate ways, then I stop and call back to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Guard], seeing as how that’s a fire exit door, is the fact that it wouldn’t open a problem?”

Guard: *look of startled realization creeps across his face* “I think I’ll call maintenance.”

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Unable To C Your Point

, , , , , | Right | October 11, 2017

(I drive the shuttle-bus in between the terminals at the DFW airport.)

Me: *to the passenger standing at the stop* “Good day, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “Did you say terminal C?”

Me: “No, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “So, you are not going to terminal C.”

Me: “No, but if you wait a few minutes, there will be another shuttle that will bring you there.”

Passenger: “Okay, so, where do you go?”

Me: “B and D, B and D. I am going to B and D.”

Passenger: “And not to C, right?”

Me: *trying to stay calm* “Nope, sorry.”

Passenger: “But you will go to C eventually, or not?”

Me: “You are one stop away from terminal C. If you come with me, it will take almost half an hour before we get there. The bus you need will be here in a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: *thinking* “Oh, okay, thanks. So, you are sure you are not going to C after this stop?”

(I closed the door and rapidly drove away.)

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