Not Uniform Behavior

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2014

(We’ve just come home from a nearly year-long deployment and we’re at our homecoming, where I’m looking for my wife in the crowd. She spots me, comes running up, and jumps… on my buddy, who is next to me. In her defense, we all look the same in our uniforms.)

Wife: “Ahhhh! I can’t believe you’re home! I’ve missed you so much!”

Buddy: “Oh… I missed you, too!”

(My wife leans in to kiss my buddy.)

Me: “Whoooooa there, [Buddy]! You wanna put my wife down?”

Wife: *realizing what’s she’s done and jumps down* “OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!”

Me: “When were you gonna tell her, man?”

Buddy: “I was going to… eventually!”

A Taxing Conversation, Part 2

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2013

Wife: “Can we try filing separately?”

Me: “You can, but it’s not usually the best idea. You’ll disqualify yourselves from some of the biggest credits. I’ll run it through both scenarios, and see what happens. Who should have the kids on their file?”

Husband: “Put them on hers.”

(I run the return both ways. It takes about fifteen or twenty minutes, since they each have multiple jobs.)

Me: “Okay, taken jointly, you’re getting $[amount]. Separately you, sir, need to pay $[amount] and you, ma’am get $[amount] back.”

Wife: “Hmm. Put the kids on his return.”

Me: “Okay.”

(10 minutes later…)

Me: “Now, he has to pay less, and you get back less. Jointly is still the better option.”

Wife: “How about if he has one kid, and I have two kids?”

Me: “Okay.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “Jointly is still better.”

Wife: “Okay, reverse it please. Him with two kids, and me with one.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “Jointly is still better. But this other person you’ve talked about…”

Husband: “Our niece?”

Me: “Right, let me check some info out with you; she might qualify as another dependent.”

(10 minutes of interviews, and calling for info later…)

Me: “Yep. She qualifies as another dependent, and now you’re joint refund would look like—”

(The program glitches in a funny way. I have never seen this before.)

Me: “Hmm, let me call over the manager real quick.”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Me: “The file glitched. I’ve been running different scenarios for them, and the husband’s file is giving me weird data and won’t let me delete it.”

Manager: “Can you restart a file with the wife as lead tax payer?”

Me: “I can do that, but they haven’t decided if they’re going to file joint or separate. I was just trying to get the results of the latest scenario, when it glitched.”

Manager: “Re-enter for the wife, and I’ll try to fix this file in case they want to file that way.”

Me: “All right.”

(Five minutes later…)

Me: “Okay, your joint refund is now even higher.”

Wife: “Can you try it separately, with me having three dependents, and my husband’s one?”

Husband: *groans*

(The next day…)

Coworker: “Why is there a biohazard sticker on this return file?”

 

1 Thumbs
2,652
VOTES

A Badly Drawn Request

, , , , , , | | Right | May 28, 2013

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

1 Thumbs
1,307
VOTES

She’s The Cream Of The Crop

, , , , , | | Romantic | May 21, 2012

(I am taking pictures of my boyfriend’s brother and his friends and family after his graduation. We have been together for four years.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, [My Name], come get in our family picture.”

Boyfriend’s Grandpa: “Yeah. We can always crop you out if it doesn’t work out.”

The Cake Is A Lie, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2011

(A man calls to check on a cake he’d ordered, but things just go downhill from there.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the cake I ordered for graduation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [Donut Shop]. We don’t make cakes; we only make donuts.”

Customer: “I ordered the cake two weeks ago and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because we don’t make cakes here. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Is this [Donut Shop]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I know that’s where I ordered my cake, and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because you didn’t order a cake here. We don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Are you near [Chain Grocery Store]?”

Me: “Yes, there’s one near us.”

Customer: “Then that proves I ordered the cake there because it was right near [Chain Grocery Store].”

Me: “You may have been somewhere near [Chain Grocery Store], but you couldn’t have been here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts. We don’t even have an oven except for a small microwave oven. Everything here is deep-fried, so we have no way to make cakes even if we want to.”

Customer: “Well, where did I order my cake then, if I didn’t order it from you?!”

Me: “I don’t know where you ordered your cake, but I do know that you didn’t order it here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Whatever! You are incompetent! I’m never ordering cakes from you guys ever again!” *click*

 

1 Thumbs
2,196
VOTES