(A customer comes to pick up her cake. I hand it to her and she starts to laugh.)

Customer: “You’ve spelled this wrong, honey.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can fix it for you right away. How do you spell the name?”

Customer: “The name is right. It’s ‘Congratulations’ you’ve spelled wrong.”

(I look at the cake but see no error.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see a mistake.”

Customer: “Right here. You’ve spelled it with a ‘t’ instead of a ‘d’. It’s okay. You can just give me a discount and I’ll go on with it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not authorized to give discounts.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

(Long story short, we ended up having to find a dictionary to prove I had spelled it right. She didn’t get a discount.)

(I work at a pizza place that is within walking distance of my house. Our house number and the number for the restaurant are identical except that two numbers are swapped, so occasionally people accidentally call my house number. It is a Sunday, which is the one day the restaurant is closed.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes, hi. Can I get two large pepperoni–”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you have the wrong number. [Restaurant] is clo-”

Caller: “No, this is [Restaurant]! I recognize your voice! Don’t lie to me!”

Me: “I’m sure you do, because I work there. But this is my house number, and it’s my day off because [Restaurant] is closed today. If you call the right number–”

Caller: “No, you’re not closed today! Now put in my f****** order!”

(I hang up on the guy because I do not like his attitude. He calls again, and I answer, this time with my dad listening in from the other room.)

Caller: “You hung up on me!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I did. You have the wrong number, and the restaurant is closed.

Caller: “Get me the owner! I’m having you fired!”

Me: “Sir, he does not live with me and therefore I cannot.”

Caller: “You stupid b****! Who the f*** do you think you are?!”

(The guy starts screaming obscenities. My dad has been listening in and has had enough.)

Dad: “Sir, if you’ve got a problem, you’re going to have to deal with me!”

Caller: “Is this the manager?! Great! I want–”

Dad: “No, this is her father. This is a private residence and I don’t want you calling here again. And if you have a problem with that, I want you to say it to my face.”

Caller: “Fine! I’ll be right there!” *click*

(The guy drove out to the restaurant, where my dad decided to wait for him outside. My father is 6’6″ and weighs nearly 300 lbs. I saw the guy pull up to see my dad and the closed sign right behind where he was standing. The guy’s face turned completely white and he jumped back in his car and sped off. When I went back to work the next day, the guy came in for an order. He left a note of apology and a $20 tip in the tip jar.)

This story is part of our Hilarious Wrong Number roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Funny Stories About iPhone Users Who Weren’t Smart Enough For Their Smartphone

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Me: “Would you like to try our new Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger?”

Customer: “Nope. I want a… I’m not sure what it is called. But it has BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese and all that.”

Me: “Okay, that is our Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure.”

Me: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”

Customer: “Nope, no combo.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half-pound for that?”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “The size of the meat patty; you can get either the quarter, third, or half-pound.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid; I can read a sign. Is the half-pound the biggest?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “So, the quarter-third is next size down?”

Me: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes. The third is smaller than the half, but larger than the quarter. The quarter is smallest of all.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I will have the quarter-third.”

(I contemplate for a moment, then ring him up for a third-pound.)

Me: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”

Customer: “What about some fries and a coke?”

This story is part of our “Customers terrible at math” roundup!

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(I’m working at a popular arts and crafts store as a cashier.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, do you have a chemical, or some sort of solution, for turning clear water into wine?”

Me: “Uh… like… dyeing it to look like wine?”

Customer: *completely serious* “No. Turning it INTO wine.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you’ll have better luck calling the church for that.”

This story is included in our Even-More-Impossible requests roundup!

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(I am running the lights for a concert. The listing online shows the doors open at 6:30 and the music starts at 9:00. A woman approaches me at my console.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know when each band is on?”

Me: “Yes, I do. Which band are you interested in?”

Customer: “Did I already miss ‘The Doors’ play, or are they going to be on stage later on tonight?”

Me: “Um. I think you may have missed your opportunity to see ‘The Doors’ play by a little while.”

This story is part of our Musically Ignorant Customers roundup!

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