(My friend is nearsighted and loses her glasses on a week-long camping trip. As we are heading home, I stop by a fast food place to get us some real food for the first time in a week. We are both beyond tired. My almost-blind friend steps up to the counter to order.)

Friend: *staring intently at the menu* “I’ll have the eleven-piece meal.”

Employee: “Do you mean the number eleven, ten-count nugget?”

Friend: *confused* “No, no. It says eleven, right?”

(The conversation continues for a few minutes in the same thread as my friend tries to figure out what she is ordering. Eventually, she comes and sits down with me at the table and opens her nugget box. After eating she turns to me.)

Friend: “You know, I think she ended up putting eleven nuggets in my box, anyway.”

(Thank you for putting up with her, kind stranger!)

(I’m currently seven months pregnant. My due date is estimated to be the same month as my birthday. I’m on Facebook and see some fun things my friend did for her birthday.)

Me: *to my husband* “Do you want anything special for your birthday? I know it’s a ways off, but with the baby coming I figure we need to plan things way in advance now.”

Husband: “Cake. Homemade; we can’t afford anything else.”

Me: “Okay.” *after a pause* “What do I want for my birthday? Well, I was thinking of having a party! A book-swap or something. I can’t drink. Anything. But I could serve caffeine-free teas, and everyone could bring their favorite books, and we could all switch them up and…” *I go on rambling like this for a few minutes* “What do you think? Should I do that? Or something else?”

Husband: “You get a baby. That’s what you get for your birthday.”

(It turns out, I was too tired with the new baby to want to plan anything, so I just had a few friends over to play board games, and I fell asleep in the middle of them, anyway.)

(It’s after closing time and my manager, a coworker, and I are hanging around the register while my manager finishes the last of the closing duties. We’re talking about random things when the phone rings. To my knowledge there’s no policy about whether we HAVE to answer it after closing, or if we can just let it ring, but on the rare nights it happens, we sometimes have some fun. My coworker decides to take it up a notch, however, after batting me away. Another thing to note is we do have to answer with, “Thanks for calling [Store] this is, [Name] how can I help?” during regular business hours.)

Coworker: “Hello?”

(Customer response that I can’t hear over the phone.)

Coworker: “Nah, this is my cell-phone.”

(Another response as my manager and I are trying not to laugh.)

Coworker: “Nah, man, I’ve had this number for a while, and I’ve been getting these calls all day, so I guess they changed their number or something.”

(Another pause in which I’m close to dying laughing.)

Coworker: “Nah, it’s fine, man, hope you find their new number.”

(He finally cracks a smile after hanging up, while my manager and I burst into hysterics.)

Coworker: “Teach them not to call me after hours, mother-f*****s.”

I work at a theater chain that offers discounts to seniors 65 or older. My manager and most of the staff hate the policy because most of the time you can’t win for losing. Either you offer and the person is offended you’ve implied they’re old, or you don’t offer because the person looks about 45 and they’re indignant that you’ve overcharged them. I’ve gotten in the habit of just guessing, and basically if you look at least 50 or have some grey, I’ll go ahead and add the discount. No one has to announce their age, and they save money. I never got a complaint before or after this one.

An obviously older customer carefully perused the ticket pricing options and very specifically asked for two adults. I went ahead and used the senior price despite her specification, since she obviously qualified, and gave her the reduced total. She happily paid and entered the building. A few minutes later, she came storming out of the theater demanding a refund, since I charged her too much and didn’t give her the senior discount. I politely told her to check her ticket again. She hurried back into the theater, now red-faced.

She was obviously trying to set up a reason to complain, given that she specified a ticket she didn’t actually want and then came to yell at me for getting it wrong based on that specification. But she just ended up embarrassing herself in front of a huge Saturday crowd, since she didn’t bother to check what she actually paid for!

(I am down in the laundry room getting towels when a guest is getting checked in, so I have no interaction with him. When I get back, I notice he has left his payment card at the desk, so I walk around to the back to give it back to him.)

Me: “Are you [Guest]?”

Guest: “Uh… Yes?”

Me: *hands him his card*

Guest: “OH! Oh, thank God! THANK GOD! HAHAHA!”

Me: “Haha, yeah, bad thing to leave behind.”

Guest: “HA! Oh, man! Thank God! I thought you were with Cheaters! Oh, thank God! “

Me: “…”