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Alcohol Makes You Flirt With Danger

, , , , | Right | November 5, 2018

(My high school choir works concessions for home games and I usually take cash from the customers and hand back change. While I do get flirted with a bit, especially by the younger, drunk customers, this one just takes the cake. I take his order and hand back his change.)

Drunk Customer: “So, what are you doing after this?”

Me: “Going home.”

Drunk Customer: “Not going to tailgate some?”

Me: “No, especially since I’m not old enough.”

Drunk Customer: “Okay. Wait, how old is not old enough?”

(At this point, I drop the polite customer service voice I’d been using and speak as if to a small child.)

Me: “I’m. Not. Legal.”

Drunk Customer: “Oh. OH! Sorry, I’m a little drunk.”

(Yeah, I noticed that.)

These Cigarettes Are Giving Me The WRONG Type Of Cancer!

, , , , | Right | November 4, 2018

(A regular customer in about his mid-thirties comes in and immediately begins complaining to his friend as they grab a drink. They then walk up to the counter, where my manager serves them.)

Customer: “My buddy came in here last night to get me a pack of cigarettes, but you gave him the wrong ones. Can I exchange them?” *holds out the unopened pack of cigarettes*

Manager: “Sorry, sir, but policy states that once the cigarettes walk out the door, I cannot take them back into stock.”

Customer: “But, I’m here every day! You know me! You know what I smoke! The girl gave my buddy the wrong ones!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, and I understand, but policy states we cannot take cigarettes back once they have gone out the door.”

(The customer starts throwing his fists around and stomping.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this! I know it’s policy, but you know me! I’m in here every day! I can’t believe this! Oh, man! This is so unfair!”

(The customer’s friend is just standing there, watching all this happen. They finally pay for their drinks and leave.)

Me: *turning to my manager* “What is he? Two?”

Deerly Amazed

, , | Right | October 29, 2018

(My parents are farmers who do all of their livestock processing on-site. Since things normally slow down with our livestock during the winter, we use our state-certified processing facility to take on deer processing, where hunters who do not have the proper equipment to butcher the deer themselves will bring me their deer, which I butcher and package as specified by the hunter, for a fee. I run the deer processing. However, we do get a lot of calls from people wanting us to process their poultry as well.  One day, I am lounging in the house with my boyfriend when our dogs herald the arrival of someone at the carport. My boyfriend goes out to see who it is and after a moment I hear an unfamiliar voice. Assuming it is a customer asking about our poultry or other services, I go outside to see if I can help the customer. I walk outside to see a man, probably in his late thirties, chatting with my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wonderin’ if y’all can process my chickens.”

Me: “Yes, sir, we can. When would you need them processed?”

(I continue to ask him the basic questions and answer his but I notice that he keeps addressing my boyfriend with his questions and will hardly look at me.)

Customer: *addressing my boyfriend* “I saw y’all had a deer processing sign out here last year. I usually take my deer into [not-so-nearby town], but y’all are less than a mile from me.”

Me: *getting a bit irritated* “Yes, sir, that’s right. I run the deer processing.”

(I felt like I needed to add that last bit since he obviously thought my boyfriend knew more about the business, despite, prior to me stepping out, him telling the man that he did not know much about the business end of the farm. Turns out the guy used to live on the farm a while back — my parents purchased it three years ago —  and, still addressing my boyfriend, starts to go on about all the hunting he’s done on the property.)

Customer: “I could give you some good tips on the best hunting spots!”

(My boyfriend does not hunt and has never fired a gun in his life.)

Me: “Well, my favorite spot is that back field. I got quite a few back there last year.”

Customer: *in disbelief* “A girl hunter! You don’t see that everyday.”

(Now, women hunting is not uncommon. What. So. Ever.  Besides that, one would think that he would figure I hunt if I run the facility. Anyhow, the man continues asking questions about the facility, STILL ADDRESSING MY BOYFRIEND (who looked very uncomfortable). I was not sorry to see him leave.  The real kicker is, the place where he was saying he took his deer was quite a ways away when, even before we opened our facility, there is a processing facility in the next town over. That facility is run by, you guessed it, a woman.)

They’re All Better Than “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

, , , , , | Working | October 23, 2018

(I’m a receptionist at a local business. Like most front offices, there is a TV that stays on continuously during the day. It is a newer flat screen TV, probably around three years old. We usually put it on TV Land, HGTV, etc. But today it is on TCM, which plays old, classic movies. Of course, a lot of older movies are in black and white. I’m sitting out front, and one of my bosses walks by to get to the elevator. You have to pass the TV to get to the elevator.)

Boss: *looks up at the TV and shakes his head* “I’ve never understood why we have a black and white television.”

Having Unsanitary Thoughts

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2018

(Shortly after giving birth to my child, I find myself in desperate need of some groceries and other supplies. I load the baby up and head to the supermarket, where I place the car seat in the shopping cart and wedge my items into the remaining space around the seat. While waiting in line to check out, I’m approached by an older woman who is looking contemptuously at my cart.)

Old Lady: “Do you really think it’s appropriate to have those—” *indicating a pack of sanitary pads* “—so close to her?” *pointing to my daughter*

Me: “What’s wrong? Do you think she needs more space? I’m not used to shopping with infants yet—”

Old Lady: “Things like that—” *pointing to the pads again* “—are not appropriate for children! You should not expose an innocent child to such things! Those things go…” *whispers* “—you know where.”

Me: *deadpan* “Ma’am. I need those—” *points* “—because I pushed her—” *points* “—out of there—*points* “—two weeks ago. If she’s paying attention, she already knows things come out of it. Thanks for your time, though!”

(She stomped off.)


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