Keep That Kind Of Tip To Yourself

, , , | Friendly | August 2, 2019

(I go into the restaurant where I work to collect my paycheck. I have my three-year-old brother with me, and I see a regular paying for her order, who is usually very nice and a great tipper.)

Me: “Hi, [Regular]! How are you today?”

Regular: “I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Regular: “Aren’t you only eighteen?”

Me: “Yes, I–“

Regular: “That’s what’s wrong with the world these days. Stupid teenagers getting pregnant, having children, and dropping out of school to be deadbeat waitresses and live off welfare. Taking all my hard-earned money to support their drug habits while their kids are starving! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

Brother: “[My Name], I hungry.”

Regular: “I bet you didn’t even tell him you’re his mother. I bet that’s why he doesn’t call you ‘Mommy’!”

Me: “He doesn’t call me ‘Mommy’ because I’m his sister. And even if I was his mother, you know for a fact that I’m in school, and it wouldn’t really be any of your business if I wasn’t. Besides, if it wasn’t for us ‘deadbeat waitresses,’ you wouldn’t have anyone to serve you your meal when you come here.”

Regular: “Well, it’s still not right!” *stomps off*

Brother: “MEAN LADY!” *pause* “Can I have chocolate?”

(My boss overheard the whole thing and insisted on giving us some free desserts, and we never saw that customer again!)

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Unfiltered Story #159857

, , | Unfiltered | August 1, 2019

(I’m a computer programmer, but I’ve been practicing UFC since I was in high school. After more than a decade of training, there are certain things you do instinctively when under attack. Our most recent client is a smarmy dude, who seems to think he can do whatever he wants because he’s paying us for a program. It should also be noted that I am female.)

Client: Wow. That’s a nice piece of ass you’ve got there.

Me: Yes, all the better to sit on while coding. Do you mind?

Client: Oh, okay.

(The client then whips my chair around and pulls me out of it, grabbing me and pulling me close to him. He probably shouldn’t have done that. My head ducks, my knees bend, and my arms go into fighting stance. Before he can say or do anything else, I’ve grabbed him, kneed him in the solar plexus, and thrown him rather painfully to the floor.)

Me: (Angrily) Don’t touch me!

Client: (gasping) What the f— was that?!

Boss: (Coming around the corner) Dude, you went after both the hottest and most dangerous woman in the office. You deserved it.

(The client quit coming by the office after that.)

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This Hotel Is Filling Up!

, , , , , | Related | July 24, 2019

(My family is checking into a hotel room. I turn to my five-year-old daughter.)

Me: “Let me look in your mouth.” *looks* “No, you’re okay.”

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Just making sure that’s someone else’s filling on the floor.”

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Anchovy Versus Pineapple: Why Not Work Together?

, , , , , , , | Right | July 17, 2019

(I am ordering a pizza from the local pizzeria. I am over seven months pregnant with weird cravings, and I’m moody after a tough day at work, not to mention very hungry. None of these are good excuses for my behavior.)

Me: “Yes, I would like to order a large mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple for delivery.”

Pizza Guy: “Umm, could you repeat that, please?”

Me: “Yes, I would like to order a large mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple for delivery.”

Pizza Guy: “Seriously?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Pizza Guy: *says with a laugh* “What are you, pregnant?”

Me: *half yelling, half crying* “YES! YES, I AM! AND YOU BETTER HAVE IT HERE IN THIRTY MINUTES OR SO HELP ME—“

Pizza Guy: “Yes, ma’am!” *hangs up*

(Of course, I feel bad about yelling almost immediately. By the time the delivery guy shows up, I have my apology ready and a good tip. As I am trying to apologize through tears, he stops me and asks me to eat a slice in front of him. I am so hungry that I do as he asks.)

Delivery Guy: “Lady, we had a bet that this was a prank call. None of us thought anyone would eat it. The pizza is free.”

(I tried to insist he take the money and he even refused the tip. I ordered — and paid — for several more of these pizzas about twice a week. Even now that my kids are in their teens, I still love mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple pizza.)

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An Alarming Embarrassment

, , , , | Right | July 13, 2019

(I work at a local retail store where we carry a variety of fashion items; some have those little beige things called gators that cause the alarms to sound. I have just finished taking a gator off a purse for a woman, and she has not yet paid for it.)

Customer #1: “Do you mind if I swing that through the door really quick?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

([Customer #2] and I exchange a look.)

Customer #1: “You know, just to make sure the alarms won’t go off.”

Me: “Go ahead.”

([Customer #1] proceeds to take the purse over to the door and swing it wildly in front of her through the alarm doors.)

Customer #1: “Sorry, it’s just so embarrassing when the alarms go off!”

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