Cigarettes Are Nasty But You Don’t Have To Be

, , , , , | | Right | July 10, 2019

(I am the customer here. The convenience store I go to can’t break a $50 and I don’t have any other cash. I go to the tobacco store next door.)

Me: “Hey, can you break a $50 for me? They didn’t have change next door.”

Cashier: “Yeah, what did you want to buy there?”

Me: “Just two packs of [Cigarettes].”

Cashier: “Well, you can buy those here.”

Me: “Yeah, but they’re cheaper next door…”

(It suddenly dawns on me how terrible I’m being.)

Me: “Can I just have two packs of [Cigarettes]?”

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 7, 2019

(Parking around the university is scarce and expensive, but there is a train that stops on campus that has free parking lots farther away. After a long day of classes, I head home. I have a really heavy backpack, so I’m relieved to see there is one seat left. As it takes a few minutes to get to my stop, I pull out a book to try and squeeze in a few more pages. Almost as soon as I sit down, the guy sitting in the window seat next to me is suddenly looking very squirrely, and turns in his seat towards me.)

Guy: “Um, uhh…”

Me: “Oh, is this your stop?” *preparing to stand up and let him out*

Guy: “NO! Don’t get up! Uh, I mean, you’re fine.”

Me: “Oh, all right, then.” *looks back down at my book*

Guy: “Um, hey, whatcha reading?”

Me: *after briefly explaining the synopsis* “If you like science fiction, it’s a really good one so far. I can’t put it down.”

(The guy just gives me a blank look and grunts, so I just smile and return to reading. I don’t even make it through another sentence before he pipes up again.)

Guy: “You’re really pretty.”

(I chuckle uncomfortably.)

Guy: “And you chose to sit next to me, out of all the other seats you could have taken… I can’t believe this is happening to me. I finally have a girlfriend!”

(Thankfully, just then, my stop is coming up, so I snatch up my backpack and quickly get up.)

Me: “Er, there actually weren’t any other seats… Anyway, have a nice day.”

(The guy, who up until now has been very soft-spoken, is suddenly so loud that it startles the other passengers.)

Guy: “Oh. OH. OH, so you’re just leaving, then?!”

Me: “Well, this is where I left my car, so… yeah.”

Guy: *overly sarcastic tone* “WHATEVER. I see how it is. You’re just like every other c*** looking for a free hand out, expecting guys to just give you seats because of your rack.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that seat belongs to the city. And I bought a ticket.”

(The guy opened his mouth to say something else, but the doors opened and I got out. As I walked towards the car park he stared at me out the window, glaring daggers and mouthing words, oblivious to the other passengers all turning in their seats at this spectacle. I was pretty nervous about running into him on the train again since I caught the same one every day, but luckily I never did. He probably thinks he’s a nice guy, not the reason why those red panic buttons are installed.)

O Holy Wifi, Hallowed Be Thy Mainframe

, , , , , | Right | March 30, 2019

(A customer has requested that I send her an authorization form.)

Me: “You can download the form from our website at [URL].”

Customer: “Oh, we’re godly people. We don’t believe in Internet.”

The Booze Crews

, , , , , , | Working | April 21, 2018

(I work as a delivery driver for a sandwich shop that stays open until 4:00 am, making the last shift of the day 10:00 pm to 4:00 am. On my night off, a little after 10:00 pm, I am hanging out with some friends, having a couple of drinks, when I get a call.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], I know it’s last minute, but is there any way you can do a delivery shift tonight?”

Me: “Well, normally I would, but to be honest, I’m a bit drunk right now. There is no way I could drive.”

Manager: “Yeah, you’re not alone.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Manager: “[Coworker who is supposed to be doing the delivery shift tonight] is drunk, too; that is why I’m trying to get someone to cover his shift!”