We order a weekly comic book from a publisher. The publishing house is very big, partly owned by the government, and publishes most Finnish magazines, comic books, and few newspapers, one of them the biggest newspaper in Finland.

My husband answers a call from a telemarketer. The telemarketer is from that publisher and he is trying to convince my husband that our subscription will be cancelled.

Telemarketer: “Starting next month, you will not receive any more comic books if you don’t order [Comic Book] Extra, an additional weekly comic book.”

My husband and I would never order anything over the phone, but the telemarketer’s claim is so ridiculous my husband wants to hear more. He argues back.

Husband: “We have already paid in advance for a one-year subscription and we still have ten months left.”

Telemarketer: “Well, you won’t be receiving that money back.”

Somehow they end the call, and the telemarketer’s last words are that now, we won’t be getting our comic books OR money back.

My husband is furious about such blatant attempted fraud. He is also worried some lonely granny is going to fall for it, so he tries to contact the publisher and tell them one of their sales representatives has attempted fraud. They have absolutely zero contact info, and upon closer inspection, it is apparent that they have outsourced their sales and customer service to a different company. My husband tries and tries calling them, finally gets hold of someone, and explains the situation, the time it happened, the number they called from, etc.

The customer service person is very understanding.

Husband: “Depending on how this goes, I might be interested in reporting that representative to the police, so please keep me updated.”

Representative: “We will!”

It’s been two years and we’ve heard nothing.

We cancelled our subscription because it left such a bad taste in our mouths.

In the nineties, I rented a room from an old lady of almost 100 years old, in exchange for doing her shopping and helping her with other small things. One day, she couldn’t pick up the phone herself for a moment, so I did. It was a telemarketer.

Me: “Residence of [Landlady].”

Telemarketer: “Can I interest your landlady in [Newspaper]?”

Me: “She’s not interested.”

Telemarketer: “I didn’t hear you ask her.”

Me: “I didn’t need to ask her; I know she doesn’t want a subscription.”

Telemarketer: “But I didn’t hear you asking her.”

Me: “She doesn’t want it.”

Telemarketer: “You didn’t ask her.”

Me: “I know she doesn’t want it.”

Telemarketer: “But you didn’t ask her. It’s a very good newspaper with interesting articles—”

Me: “She isn’t interested.”

Telemarketer: “You haven’t asked her. This is such a good newspaper; she’ll enjoy—”

Me: “She isn’t interested.”

Telemarketer: “You haven’t asked her. Why wouldn’t she be interested?”

Me: “She’s blind!”

Telemarketer: “Ehhh, no, then she wouldn’t be interested.”

They hung up.

One company that I contract with has an app that must be used for scheduling. The downside to this is that when the app is used to call the customer, they now have your cell phone number.

I can’t use an office phone, so I got a prepaid “burner” phone with no ties to me or my name, even with a different area code from where I live.

The phone doesn’t ring; it’s only used for outbound calls and the ringer is on vibrate. 

Tonight, I was sitting at my desk doing paperwork and the phone started to vibe. Odd.

I answered it and a woman announced that she was calling to save me money on my car insurance. Uh-huh.

I lowered my voice — and I’ve already got a deep voice — and said, “You’ve called a drug dealer’s burner phone. Do you really want to do this?”

She hung up. I must remember that one!

I can never say no to things. So, when I get a call from a telemarketer, I tell them I’m busy, and they ask if they can call back, so of course, my reply is always “yes.” This one in particular is for life insurance. They constantly call and I ignore them but they still keep trying. 

One day, I have had enough, but I still just let it ring. I am with my younger sister at the time, so she asks if she can answer it. 

Sister: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, is [My Name] there?”

Sister: “No, she’s dead.” *Hangs up*

They stopped calling me after that.

I answer the phone.

Caller: “Hello, sir, may I have a few moments of your time to ask about your moviegoing experience?”

Me: *Suppressing laughter* “Certainly! Though I should note that the last movie I saw in the theater was either the third Lord of the Rings or Master and Commander.”

Both are about ten years old at this point.

Caller: “Thank you, sir, have a nice day.”

I chuckled for two days.