A Hot Slice Of Victory

, , | Working | August 22, 2017

(Telemarketers keep calling and asking for my sister, whose name is similar to Michael and not foreign. On the third call I decide to mess with the telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Michael?”

Me: “Yeah, Michael’s here. I’m his manager, here at GM Pizza. While you’re waiting for him, let me tell you about our special. We can do home delivery and you’ll get a free can of whoop-a—”

Telemarketer: *click*

Discourteous For The Dead

, | ME, USA | Working | July 29, 2017

(My grandmother passed away last year, and I have been living in her house temporarily for the past few months. Her phone number must have been a hot target for scammers and telemarketers because I still get multiple calls weekly from unknown numbers asking to speak to her. I usually respond with “She doesn’t live here anymore,” to avoid any awkwardness, and that’s usually enough to get them to go away. Then, there was this caller…)

Caller: “Hello, this is a courtesy call. Can I please speak to [Grandmother]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.”

Caller: “Okay, well this is a courtesy call for [Grandmother]. Is she the homeowner?”

Me: “No, she—”

Caller: “This is [impressively bad mispronunciation of my street address], correct?”

Me: “Yes…”

Caller: “Okay, please let me speak to the homeowner, [Grandmother].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but [Grandmother] actually passed away almost a year ago.”

(At this point, I was expecting a surprised tone, shocked silence, or maybe even an apology, but the caller didn’t miss a beat.)

Caller: “Then can I speak to [Grandfather], [Grandmother]’s husband? Again, this is a courtesy call.”

Me: “That would be difficult, as he passed away twelve years ago now.”

Caller: *again, without missing a beat* “Okay, I’ll try again later. This is just a courtesy call.” *click*

(She has yet to call back. That was the least courteous “courtesy call” I have ever received!)

This Is All The High You Need

| London, England, UK | Working | July 11, 2017

(A compensation agency just called the house and I happen to pick up the phone. I am a 16-year-old schoolgirl who doesn’t do drugs, has never been in a car accident, and cannot drive.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, I am calling from accident helpline in England.”

Me: “Oh, yes? About what?”

Caller: “You had a car accident recently, correct?”

Me: “Yes, actually, I did.”

Caller: “How long ago was this accident? It was recently, yes?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Yes, I had a car accident very recently.”

Caller: “And you were alone in the car?”

Me: “Yes, I was alone driving my car.”

Caller: “Okay, well you had this accident and it wasn’t your fault.”

Me: “Well, I can’t really say it wasn’t my fault. I took the cocaine. No one forced me.”

Caller: “…what?”

Me: “I took the cocaine.”

Caller: “Oh, Jesus.” *hangs up*

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers Without Even Trying

| | Working | July 9, 2017

(At my home, I often get phone calls from telemarketers who want to sell me stuff. I think it’s annoying, yet I’m polite with them. I’m having lunch and my cat is playing on the floor. She recently had surgery, which has made her stomach more sensitive, and the veterinarian told me I have to pay attention to what she eats. As she’s my first cat ever, I get worried whenever she tries to eat anything that’s not cat food. Suddenly the phone rings and I get up.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m [Telemarketer] from [Insurance Company]. I’m phoning you…”

(Suddenly, my cat jumps onto the table and sniffs the spicy food in my plate.)

Me: “WAIT! Two seconds!”

(I leave the phone, grab my cat, and put her back onto the floor. Then I walk back to the phone within a few seconds, ready to listen politely and to tell the lady I’m not interested.)

Me: “Hello?”

(She hung up. I guess I won a battle against telemarketers without even meaning it!)


Telemarketers Are Homing In On You

| CA, USA | Working | July 3, 2017

(I get my first phone at 14 on a family line paid by my godfather. I am very shy, polite, and over-courteous, never do any prank calling, and am not really a troublemaker at all. At the time, my family consists of my sister, mother, and me, and we are homeless and living in our car. I am not used to having my cell phone, and no-one ever calls but my family, so when it rings I don’t think to look at the caller ID and immediately answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello there! Are you the head of the household?”

Me: “Who are—”

Telemarketer: “I’m [Name] from [Company], calling about a great deal.”

Me: “I’m sorry, who exactly—”

Telemarketer: “I’m glad you asked! You see…”

(At this point, I am nervous and unsure what to do when interrupted, so I just stay quiet. He launches into a long and drawn-out sales pitch that never mentions a specific product or what he’s actually selling. While he’s talking I decide it would probably be best to go with it and just tell him I’m not interested.)

Telemarketer: “So what do you think? Doesn’t that sound like an amazing deal?”

Me: “It… sure does, sir, but what exactly is it for?”

Telemarketer: “Oh, why, a home security company, of course! Your property is very valuable to us, and…”

(He starts rattling off a bunch of things about home ownership that I knew absolutely nothing about. I am getting frustrated and just want him off the phone, so I say the first thing that comes to my mind.)

Me: “You said a home security company?”

Telemarketer: “Yes, I did!”

Me: “I don’t have a home. I mean not in the sense that I don’t own property or I’m not the head of the household, but I literally don’t have a place to live. I don’t think you’re going to get very far talking to me. I’m sorry.”

(At this point, my mother’s head whips around. There’s dead silence both in the car and on the line; you could hear a pin drop. I panic and hang up.)

Mom: “Who the h*** was that?”

Me: “Uh, it was a telemarketer for a home security company, I think.”

Mom: “Why on earth did you tell him that!?”

Me: “I… I didn’t know what to do! It just slipped out!”

(The car was filled with my mother’s uproarious laughter. She told our whole extended family about the event, and everyone got a kick out of it. The same representative called back several times in the next few weeks, and I stuck to telling him I was homeless. I don’t know if he expected me to suddenly buy a house or something, but it took my mother calling through three supervisors to get my number taken off. I’m turning 21 this year, my sister and I are going to college, and my family is safe and warm in a cozy apartment together, but I still remember the silly, random stuff that made such a hard time for us so much easier to handle.)

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