Making Yourself The Winner Every Time

, , , | Working | August 28, 2017

(For a period of time, I keep getting repeated phone calls from gambling companies. They tell me that I have participated but won nothing, so they want to put me into a special drawing with a higher chance, or that my participation is about to end and I need to choose to continue or drop out. Note that I have never participated in anything. I get tired of this and start to mess with them. Note that I usually recognize them by their phone numbers.)

Me: “[Lottery] customer care, my name is David, how can I help you?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Gambling Company], am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “No, this is David from [Lottery] customer care. Are you inquiring about our new program? We guarantee a 90% win chance of at least 100€ if you participate for at least three months at 60€ per month.”

Scammer: *click*



Scammer: *does a standard spiel about me participating and so on*

Me: “First of all, I did not participate in…”

Scammer: “What did you participate in?” *Note that she uses “du”, a personal form of address which is usually reserved for family members and friends.*

Me: “For one thing, I’d appreciate you calling me ‘sie’ (formal form of address which would be appropriate) instead of ‘du’. Also…”

Scammer: “Who cares what I call you, you a**h***? Get lost, you…” *click*

Me: “Oy…”



Scammer: “Greetings, I’m calling on behalf of…”

Me: “SARAH! Is that you?!? Where have you been?!? We’ve been worried sick! You are so grounded, young lady!”

Scammer: “Uh… hello? This is not Sarah, this is…”

Me: “Wait, Michael, is that you?!? I told you I don’t want you around my daughter! She’s only 15! If she is not home within the hour, I will call the police and have your a** arrested for child molestation!”

Scammer: “No, I’m just… f*** this!” *click*



(I decide to try something I read on NotAlwaysRight.)

Me: *in a childish voice* “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello? Who am I talking to?”

Me: “Tommy.”

Scammer: “Hello, Tommy, are your parents home?”

Me: “Daddy’s at work.”

Scammer: “And your mommy?”

Me: “She’s in the bedroom.”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to her.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll get her.”

(I wait for a moment.)

Me: “She’s in the bedroom with Mr. Meier, our neighbor. The door’s locked and they’re making funny noises.”

Scammer: “… call your daddy and tell him. That w**** deserves it!” *click*



Scammer: “Hello, I’m [Name], calling on behalf of [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “Mr. [My Name], I have great news for you! You participated in [Lottery] and your name was drawn! You are eligible for prizes of up to 10 million €!”

Me: “What! Really?!?”

Scammer: “Yes! Isn’t that great?”

Me: “Fantastic!” *holding the phone to the side as if I was shouting to someone else* “Hey, Christina! Guess what! We just won 10 million € in the lottery! Get dressed, we’re going out! And we’re getting that necklace! And the ring! What? Who cares about the price! We’re millionaires now!” *back on the phone* “Man, this is so great! We can finally get a car and move out of this dump! You just made my life!”

Scammer: *click*

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A Hot Slice Of Victory

, , | Working | August 22, 2017

(Telemarketers keep calling and asking for my sister, whose name is similar to Michael and not foreign. On the third call I decide to mess with the telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Michael?”

Me: “Yeah, Michael’s here. I’m his manager, here at GM Pizza. While you’re waiting for him, let me tell you about our special. We can do home delivery and you’ll get a free can of whoop-a—”

Telemarketer: *click*

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Discourteous For The Dead

, | Working | July 29, 2017

(My grandmother passed away last year, and I have been living in her house temporarily for the past few months. Her phone number must have been a hot target for scammers and telemarketers because I still get multiple calls weekly from unknown numbers asking to speak to her. I usually respond with “She doesn’t live here anymore,” to avoid any awkwardness, and that’s usually enough to get them to go away. Then, there was this caller…)

Caller: “Hello, this is a courtesy call. Can I please speak to [Grandmother]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, she doesn’t live here anymore.”

Caller: “Okay, well this is a courtesy call for [Grandmother]. Is she the homeowner?”

Me: “No, she—”

Caller: “This is [impressively bad mispronunciation of my street address], correct?”

Me: “Yes…”

Caller: “Okay, please let me speak to the homeowner, [Grandmother].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but [Grandmother] actually passed away almost a year ago.”

(At this point, I was expecting a surprised tone, shocked silence, or maybe even an apology, but the caller didn’t miss a beat.)

Caller: “Then can I speak to [Grandfather], [Grandmother]’s husband? Again, this is a courtesy call.”

Me: “That would be difficult, as he passed away twelve years ago now.”

Caller: *again, without missing a beat* “Okay, I’ll try again later. This is just a courtesy call.” *click*

(She has yet to call back. That was the least courteous “courtesy call” I have ever received!)

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This Is All The High You Need

| Working | July 11, 2017

(A compensation agency just called the house and I happen to pick up the phone. I am a 16-year-old schoolgirl who doesn’t do drugs, has never been in a car accident, and cannot drive.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, I am calling from accident helpline in England.”

Me: “Oh, yes? About what?”

Caller: “You had a car accident recently, correct?”

Me: “Yes, actually, I did.”

Caller: “How long ago was this accident? It was recently, yes?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Yes, I had a car accident very recently.”

Caller: “And you were alone in the car?”

Me: “Yes, I was alone driving my car.”

Caller: “Okay, well you had this accident and it wasn’t your fault.”

Me: “Well, I can’t really say it wasn’t my fault. I took the cocaine. No one forced me.”

Caller: “…what?”

Me: “I took the cocaine.”

Caller: “Oh, Jesus.” *hangs up*

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers Without Even Trying

| Working | July 9, 2017

(At my home, I often get phone calls from telemarketers who want to sell me stuff. I think it’s annoying, yet I’m polite with them. I’m having lunch and my cat is playing on the floor. She recently had surgery, which has made her stomach more sensitive, and the veterinarian told me I have to pay attention to what she eats. As she’s my first cat ever, I get worried whenever she tries to eat anything that’s not cat food. Suddenly the phone rings and I get up.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m [Telemarketer] from [Insurance Company]. I’m phoning you…”

(Suddenly, my cat jumps onto the table and sniffs the spicy food in my plate.)

Me: “WAIT! Two seconds!”

(I leave the phone, grab my cat, and put her back onto the floor. Then I walk back to the phone within a few seconds, ready to listen politely and to tell the lady I’m not interested.)

Me: “Hello?”

(She hung up. I guess I won a battle against telemarketers without even meaning it!)


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