One day, while at work, I received a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me life insurance. I was on my break, so I decided to have some fun with the caller. I gave her very vague and comical answers to all her questions. She then proceeded to transfer me to a licensed sales agent, which I ignored so he just hung up.

I thought they would just remove me from their call list, but a few months later, the same lady called me again! So we did the same routine. The answers I gave were the same ones I gave the first time. It went something like this.

After establishing my name and that I lived in Michigan, she started her questions:

Caller: “How old are you?”

Me: “Older than the womb but younger than the tomb.”

Caller: “That is funny, sir, but seriously, how old are you?”

Me: “Older than the womb but younger than the tomb.”

This repeated four more times before she went on to the next question.

Caller: “How tall are you, sir?”

Me: “Twelve inches to the foot.”

Caller: “Can you be more precise?”

Me: “I can stand on the floor but I cannot reach the ceiling.”

Caller: “Well, okay. Can you tell me how much you weigh?”

Me: “Sixteen ounces to the pound.”

I hear a little frustration in her tone as she goes to the next question.

Caller: “Can you tell me if you use any breathing apparatus?”

Me: “I have a nose, diaphragm, and lungs.”

Caller: “Does any of that plug into an outlet?”

Me: “There are no plugs in me.”

Caller: “Do you live in a nursing home or in a hospital?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Okay, I have enough information about you. I am now going to transfer you to a licensed agent to talk to you about life insurance.”

Me: “No, you are not! You do not know one thing about me except my name and I live in Michigan!”

Caller: “You gave me all your information, sir.”

Me: “Really?! This is what I told you!”

I then went back through the questions and the answers I had given. Then, I asked her what specific information I gave her. She was silenced for a few seconds and then asked if I was interested in insurance.

Me: “With those vague answers I gave you, what do you think?”

Caller: “So, would you like me to remove your name from our call list?”

Me: *In a very sarcastic tone* “Yes!”

Caller: “Okay, sir, I removed your name and number from our list. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “Do you have another game we can play? I love playing games!”

She finally hung up. 

I don’t understand why she didn’t pick up on the fact I was just toying with her from the beginning.

I am a 911 call taker. If you don’t know, telemarketers randomly generate phone numbers, and they often accidentally call our emergency line.

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Robot: “Hello, your car’s extended warranty is almost expired. Press one to talk to a representative.”

Me: “Oh, my God, guys, it’s gonna happen! I’m gonna talk to a real person!”

Coworker: “I’m excited for you. Go ahead!”

I press one.

Telemarketer: “Hello you’ve reach—”

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Telemarketer: “Oh. there’s no emergency.”

Me: “Ma’am, you called 911. What’s the emergency?”

Telemarketer: “We don’t make calls, ma’am.”

Me: “This is abuse of emergency lines. We can track your location and send you a fine for this.”

The telemarketer hangs up.

Coworker: “Did you actually track the call?”

Me: “No, but she doesn’t know that.”

Recently, I had to take out a reverse mortgage. As a result, I have been getting all sorts of emails and letters from other various firms, mortgage and otherwise.

I get this call from someone trying to sell me “appliance” insurance. He tells me that if anything happened to any of my major appliances, they would cover the full value of the replacement. The signup fee is $200 and the monthlies are about $1,500 a year.

Me: “The total I’ve spent on my appliances for the last twenty years is just about the same. So, what I am getting for $1,500 a year?”

Caller: “Oh, very well.” *Click*

I am female, but I have a name that is usually chosen for males. I answer a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. The caller sounds like a middle-aged Aussie bloke.

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling for [My Name].”

Me: “That’s me.”

The caller is silent.

Me: “So, what do you want?”

Caller: “I was hoping to talk to [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, that’s me.”

Caller: “Oh, areyouthebetterhalfthen?”

Me: “Say again?”

Caller: “Are you the better half, then?”

Me: “Um… I guess.”

Caller: “Well, I’m just ringing from [Solar Panel Company]. I’m not trying to sell you anything, but, [My Name] rang us some time ago for a quote; he was quite interested and we just wanted to follow up with him.”

Me: “Why are you saying, ‘he’? Who are you talking about?”

Caller: “[My Name].”

Me: “I’ve told you twice already: that’s me. What the f***, dude?”

Caller: “…”

I hung up.

Honestly, I get that I am female and my name is traditionally male. A lot of people are confused when they first speak to me, but they immediately take it in their stride and move on. Not this guy; his hole is so deep he’s halfway to China by now.

I had been dealing with telemarketers all day long, and I thought, “If that phone rings one more time…”

Not five minutes later, it rang. I answered it, and they wanted to try to sell me some insurance. I just happened to have an old short bullwhip that I use as a flirt pole — a dog’s toy that you attach a toy to the end of and they chase it around — in my hands.

Me: “Sorry, I have to go kill a snake that’s in my yard!”

They would not shut up. They just kept asking over and over:

Telemarketer: “Do you take more than six prescriptions a day?”

I just gave them an earful of me “killing a snake”.  Really, all I was doing was hitting the concrete over and over with my whip and making it pop LOUDLY into the phone, and my dog was in his pen going nuts!

While all of this was going on, I asked them if I could call them back later. I never did, and they did not call back.  

I went and gave my dog some love and let him know that I was okay after it was all over with.