(I have tired of paying for cable since I rarely watch television and I cancel my subscription. A month later I get rid of my two television sets. A year after that I get a call from a telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “That’s nice, but I don’t own a TV. So, no, thank you.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “However, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

Telemarketer: “But if you get cable you will pay more if you don’t bundle.”

Me: *sighs* “No, I don’t want cable for TVs that I don’t own. I am hanging up now.”

(The next day I get a different telemarketer from the same company.)

Other Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t own a television set.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “Yes. I understand that, but as I said to you and the person yesterday, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

(This happens again for the next two days, with different telemarketers.)

Me: “You know, I just talked to a couple different people this week. Why don’t you get me your supervisor?”

(The telemarketer gets the supervisor, who talks very condescendingly.)

Supervisor: “Hello. Let me explain how bundling works for the cable and your current phone and internet plan.”

Me: “Please stop and listen to what I am about to say. I DO NOT WANT CABLE BECAUSE I DO NOT OWN A TELEVISION SET. As in there is NO television for the output of said cable TV. So it would be a waste of my money and your time since I do not own a television set.”

(There is a very long pause until the supervisor’s light bulb goes on.)

Supervisor: “Oh, you don’t… Oh, you don’t HAVE A TV?! Oh, well, then. You won’t be needing cable at all. I will put a note on your file that you have no TV and not to call you about cable.”

(I broke a slew of telemarketers since not owning a TV is not in their training!)

(I take a call. The other end sounds like a call centre.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: *heavily accented* “Hello, my name is [Mispronounced Anglo-Saxon First Name].”

Me: “Of course it is…”

Telemarketer: “I’m calling from the United Kingdom County Council.”

Me: “I don’t know what to say. I mean, to find out this way that the UK has been downgraded from a country is rather shocking!”

(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)

(I get a phone call at home.)

Telemarketer: “Hello! I’m calling to let you know that you’ve qualified for a free three-month trial of our medical alert system. When can I arrange delivery of your system?”

Me: “I don’t need a medical alert system.”

Telemarketer: “Many people think they don’t need the system; however, you know that every year thousands of seniors will fall and break a bone. Without the ability to summon help, you may lie on your floor for hours or even days before someone finds you!”

Me: “I’m 25. If I fall I will put some ice on it.”

Telemarketer: “But don’t you want to be safe! What if you fall down your stairs? What if you slip in your bathtub?”

Me: “I’ll take my chances, thank you.”

Telemarketer: “But wait! It’s free for the first three months! Wouldn’t you like to try it!?”

Me: “No, thank you. I really don’t need it.”

Telemarketer: “FINE! I hope you fall down the stairs and break both your legs!

(While working at a group home in my community, we receive a scam call. Our manager has given permission for us to prank any scam calls or telemarketers.)

Caller: “Yes, hi. I am calling from windows technical support. We’ve been monitoring your computer and several windows have viruses.”

(I used to work in a call center for a car-sharing company. I decide to go by my old script.)

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Company] today. May I have your name and membership number please?”

Caller: “No, ma’am. You misunderstand. We are not [Car-Sharing Company]. We are technical support.”

Me: “Thank you. Yes, could you repeat that number?”

Caller: “Ma’am, we are from technical support.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! Yes, the parking brakes on a Prius can indeed be hard to find.”

Caller: “No, ma’am, nothing is wrong with your car. We are not the car company. We are technical support.”

(I speed rapidly through a full troubleshoot scenario for finding a Prius’ parking brake and disengaging it. The poor scammer kept trying to convince me he wasn’t the car company. They ended up ending the call first!)