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Put Me On The To-Be-Raptured Calling List

, , , , , | Right | April 16, 2023

I have a friend who gets a thick Southern drawl when she’s irritated. One day, she gets a robocall.

Friend: “Hello?”

Caller: “This is for anyone who needs additional life insurance.”

Friend: *With a Southern accent* “I know Jesus. I think I got life insurance and afterlife insurance.”

The caller burst out laughing, and my friend promptly panicked and hung up when she realized that an actual human had called her instead of a robot. At least the call center employee enjoyed it!

Going Off-Script Is Disrespectful To Your Castmates!

, , , , , | Working | April 12, 2023

I donate to several causes, among which is [Cause]. One day, I get a call from [Cause].

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from [Cause]. Can I ask you a couple of questions?”

Me: “Sure, ask away.”

Caller: “Do you like tasty food?”

I’m slightly stunned at the question, but I quickly realize the amazing opportunity that’s being laid out at my feet.

Me: “No. I only like truly disgusting food.”

Caller: *Somewhat confused* “Oh! People usually say yes to that!”

Me: “It was just too tempting.”

Caller: “I, uh… don’t have that option on my diagram! There’s only a ‘yes’ option here. Afterward, I’m supposed to ask [next question]!”

Me: “So, what are the diagram options for that one?”

It ended up being a very meta phone call.

That’s One Super-Annoying Loophole

, , , , , | Working | March 9, 2023

When I got my first smartphone, I decided to hang on to my trusty old Nokia 3310 as a backup. Then, I decided that I also wanted it to be active with its own SIM card so that I could use it to call the smartphone if needed or if the smartphone died. I bought a prepaid card from [Phone Company #1], put it in the old phone, and left it on a shelf.

Then, a weird thing happened. I started getting calls to the old phone. As I didn’t carry it with me, I couldn’t pick up, but there would be several missed calls on it every day. As it was a prepaid card, I didn’t want to waste any money calling back; it would just use up what I’d paid into it.

The following weekend, though, I was home when the phone rang.

Me: “[My Surname] here.”

Telemarketer #1: “Hi, is this [My First Name]?”

This already annoyed me, as I don’t like telemarketers being so informal with me.

Me: “Yeah?”

Telemarketer #1: “Hi, [My First Name]. I’m calling to hear if you’d be interested in—”

Me: “Who is this?”

Telemarketer #1: “It’s [Telemarketer #1] from [Phone Company #2]. I was wondering if you’d be interested in a subscription to—”

Me: “How’d you get this number? This is a prepaid phone. Why are you even calling?”

Telemarketer #1: “I just wanted to make you a good offer.”

Me: “No, thanks.” *Hangs up*

Later the same day, the phone rang again.

Me: “[My Surname].”

Telemarketer #2: “Hi, is this [My First Name]?”

Me: “Yeah, what is it?”

Telemarketer #2: “Hi, [My First Name], this is [Telemarketer #2] from [Phone Company #2]. I was wondering…”

Me: “You guys again? I just said no; you’ve already called me.”

Telemarketer #2: “I just wanted to give you this really good offer…”

Me: *Sighs* “What’s the offer?”

The telemarketer went through a script telling me about a monthly subscription plan, no better or worse than any other out there.

Me: “No, I’m not interested in that.”

Telemarketer #2: “Okay. Could I ask why not?”

Me: “Look, this is a prepaid phone. It’s a backup phone. I already have a subscription on my smartphone; I don’t need a second one. I’m not interested, so stop calling me.”

I hung up again.

I was getting both annoyed and confused. Here’s an interesting thing: in Norway, you can opt out of telemarketing. You enter your number into a public database, and all companies in the country have to check their lists every few months. Serious companies do actually follow this, and I had opted out years ago, so I was both surprised and annoyed to get this call.

Turns out, there’s an exemption. If you’re already in a customer relationship with a company, they’re allowed to communicate with you. The intention of the exemption is to let companies communicate valuable information since you’re already a customer. Many companies, however, abuse this and use the opportunity to simply send a bunch of ads in the mail or call you on the phone, wanting to sell you stuff.

It gets worse. I didn’t even have a relationship with [Phone Company #2]! So how could they call me? I did some digging into the legal stuff and found out: the company that sold me the prepaid card was the parent company of the company that kept calling, so technically, they were within the boundaries of the law.

The calls kept coming, and I eventually answered one, attempting to really explain why I wasn’t interested.

Me: “[My Surname].”

Telemarketer #3: “Hi, is this [My First Name]?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Telemarketer #3: “Hi, [My First Name], this is [Telemarketer #3] from [Phone Company #2]. I was wondering…”

Me: “…if you can sell me a monthly plan, yes, I know.”

Telemarketer #3: “I have this great offer for you—”

Me: “Look: I know what you’re offering. Here’s the thing: I’ve bought this prepaid card specifically because I didn’t want a monthly plan. If I wanted that, I would have bought one. I didn’t. So I don’t. I already have a monthly subscription on my other phone; this is just a backup, a phone I’m not using. Understand?”

Telemarketer #3: “But you can get…”

They started to go through a script of the plan: such and such a number of call minutes and SMS texts included, etc.

Me: “It’s irrelevant. I’m not using this phone.”

Telemarketer #3: “But it’s a great offer—”

Me: “It’s really not. I’m not sending any text messages or making any calls per month from this phone, so why would I want to pay for that? I preferred to just pay that one amount I already paid so that I can make a couple of calls to alert people if the other phone dies. There’s no reason for me to buy any monthly plan for this phone. Can you take me off your call list now?”

Telemarketer #3: “Okay, I just wanted to make you this good offer.”

Me: “Yeah, so you’ve told me…” *Hangs up*

I kept getting calls up to five times a day. I never picked up. I eventually turned off the phone so that whenever they called, they’d get a busy signal. Later, wanting to test how often they tried, I turned it on for a while to see how long it took for the phone to ring. It was never more than an hour. I figured they actually had me on a priority call list and tried to call me once every hour. Talk about not getting the message.

Eventually, they shut the phone down. Turns out, they can do that; it’s in the fine print. If the prepaid card hasn’t been used up in six months — I told you I wasn’t really using that phone, didn’t I? — the number goes inactive and they can shut down the service. They said it was because they needed to limit the number of active numbers, but I think they just want to force people to buy their subscriptions. I didn’t care much, since I didn’t really use the phone anyway and the calls just became a nuisance.

That parent company still exists and is one of the biggest in the country. They are not known for their good customer service, though, and having experienced this first-hand, I haven’t done any business with them since. And I never will.

If You Can’t Convince ‘Em, Confuse ‘Em!

, , , , , | Working | December 4, 2022

While I’m staying with my uncle and his family for a few days, the house phone rings and he asks me to answer it because I’m closest.

Telemarketer: “Hello, can I please speak to Mr. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “You said that — which one? The son or the father?”

Telemarketer: “I don’t have time for this. The adult Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name]! The owner of this address.”

Me: “Yeah, but they’re married; they’re both Mr. [Last Name].”

Telemarketer: “Just give me the homeowner!”

Me: “Oh, in that case, no one; we’re renting.”

Telemarketer: *Click*

Cousin: “Wait, Dad didn’t take Pop’s last name.”

Me: “Huh, you’re right. I guess Uncle Glenn is the only Mr. [Last Name] here after all.”

The “Deal” Is, I OPTED OUT

, , , , , , , | Working | September 6, 2022

My mobile phone contract is with a company that uses telesales to set up contracts. To ensure that any changes to your contract can only be made by you, your account is protected with a security password. Someone with that password can set up a new contract or change your existing one. The company regularly reminds us with security emails not to give out our passwords.

I’ve been receiving calls a few times a day from a withheld number that doesn’t leave a message, so I’m not able to block them or call back. Usually, I can’t pick up as they call during work hours, but today, I’m able to answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, I’m calling from [Mobile Phone Provider.]”

Me: “Right, you’ve been calling several times a day for weeks and not leaving a message. Is something wrong? Why haven’t you emailed?”

Caller: “I’m calling with some exciting new deals—”

Me: “Stop. My contract isn’t due for renewal and, even if it was, I opted out of marketing calls.”

Caller: “These deals are to take on a second contract, maybe for a child or your husband—”

Me: “No. You are not allowed to call me with marketing. Take me off your list.”

Caller: “I can only take you off if you give me your security password.”

Me: “No. I’ve got no proof of who you are as you called me, and my password would let you do anything you like to my account. You don’t need it to take me off your dialer.”

I’ll spare you, but here follows a long exchange where he keeps on insisting that I give him my password, and I keep refusing to give confidential information to a stranger.

Me: “I want to speak to your manager.”

The caller immediately hangs up. I assume at this point that it’s a scam, but I want to make sure that my account is still set to not receive marketing. I restart my phone to make certain that the caller is no longer connected, and then I call the provider on their official number.

I get through security verification and explain the situation.

Customer Service: “Okay, I can see from your notes that that was our sales team. I can transfer you back to them now if you give me a moment.”

Me: “No. I’m not supposed to receive marketing. I don’t want them to be calling me. They’ve been calling multiple times a day for weeks on a withheld number.”

Customer Service: “Okay, yes, I can see that you have opted out of marketing, but the sales team is calling with very special offers that you won’t want to miss out on.”

Me: “Under GDPR (US translation: information protection laws), I have control over what you can use my information for, and I’ve opted out. I’m also registered with the Telephone Preference Service.”

Customer Service: “But they’re very good offers!”

Me: “Get me your manager.”

Again, I’ll spare you, but I had the same conversation with the manager, who only agreed to stop the calls when I asked to be transferred to the cancellations team. I’ve got no idea why they thought that “very good offers” meant it was okay to break the law or why they asked their sales agents to ask for a confidential password when making unexpected calls from a withheld number. Thankfully, the calls then stopped.