That Sale Went To The Dogs

| WA, USA | Working | September 23, 2016

(My husband receives a call from a telemarketer. I hear only his half of the conversation.)

Husband: “Yes, I’m familiar with [Well-Known Home Security System].”

Husband: “No, I don’t think you can secure my home.”

Husband: “What can you offer me that’s better than my two Dobermans?”

Husband: “I have two adult Dobermans. I think they do a pretty good job of keeping my home safe. I don’t think you can offer anything that’s going to do better than that.”

(A minute later he hung up the phone.)

Husband: “Poor girl. I completely threw her off her script.”

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 12

| England, UK | Working | August 14, 2016

(I get a call from a very persistent telemarketer whilst at work.)

Me: “[Company], how may I help you?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, madam. My name is [Telemarketer]. Is this the business owner?”

Me: “No. She’s not in right now. May I take a message?”

Telemarketer: “When will she be in?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Telemarketer: “Okay, madam. Then can you give me her mobile number and I can call her?”

Me: “No. I do not have permission to hand out her mobile number to you.”

Telemarketer: “Well, if you give me her number I can call her and get permission.”

Me: “What? No. I told you I can’t give you her number!”

Telemarketer: “Madam, just give me her number. I can ask permission after I have called her.”

Me: “Ask me one more time and I’m hanging up!”

Telemarketer: “Madam, I just want her number.”

Me: “Aaaaand goodbye!”

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 11
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 10
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 9

Doug Himself A Hole

| Endicott, NY, USA | Working | July 25, 2016

(It’s Halloween, 2013. I am with my parents, handing candy out to trick-or-treaters. At about 6 pm, the phone rings. We don’t recognize the number, but assume it is a telemarketer, so I just pick up and immediately hang up, so we wouldn’t have to deal with the ringing. Less than a minute later, the phone rings. Same number. I repeat the process of picking-and-hanging up the phone. Almost immediately, the same number calls back. Somewhat annoyed, I answer finally.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: *speaking with a very thick, almost cliché Indian accent* “Hi! My name is Doug! I’d like to talk to you about upgrading your home security system! We have plenty of offers…”

Me: *interrupting, but staying polite* “…Oh, thank you very much. But we don’t have a home security system and aren’t interested. You have a nice day, Doug. Take care.”

Telemarketer: “Oh… ok. Thank you and good-bye.”

(I hang up the phone and sit down. Five minutes later, the same number calls back.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Uh… hi.”

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Doug! I’d like to talk…”

Me: *interrupting* “Hi. You just called us. Sorry, we’re not interested. Have a nice night, though.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to call back. Thank you and good-night!”

(Less than 10 seconds after I hang up, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Please stop calling this number. This is the third time I said we’re not interested.”

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Doug! I’d like to…”

Me: “Ok, first of all… Your name isn’t ‘Doug.’ You’re clearly speaking with the thickest Indian accent I’ve ever heard. Second. Stop calling!”

(I hang up. This time there was a pause of five minutes before good-ole “Doug” calls back.)

Me: *answering* “Listen, ‘Doug’… Stop calling us! If this keeps up, we will contact the police and report this number for harassment.”

Telemarketer: “Oh.”

(I hang up and he calls right back. This time I hand it off to my mother, who is furious about the fact that he has already called numerous times.)

Mom: “Stop calling us! We don’t want what you’re offering!”

Telemarketer: “May I speak to the man of the house?”

Mom: “No, you may not. I own this house with my husband. He doesn’t want to talk to you, so you’re going to talk to me. And I’m telling you to stop.”

(She hangs up on him and he calls back yet again a few minutes later. This time we hand the phone to my step-father.)

Step-Father: “We’re calling the police.”

Telemarketer: “What?”

Step-Father: “You’ve spent the past 15 minutes harassing us over the phone. We’re calling the police.”

(They argue back and forth for several minutes. My step-father hangs up and informs us that “Doug” evidently doesn’t understand why we are calling the police, and in fact, seems to barely understand who the police even are. Needless to say, he calls back again. This time we let it ring through, hoping he’ll leave a message and then stop calling. He doesn’t leave a message. He just calls right back again about four more times before we pick up the phone again. My mom answers this time.)

Mom: “Ok, ‘Doug’… you pushed my ‘a**hole button’ too many times.”

(She proceeds to threaten him with the police again, before launching into a barrage of insults, evidently because he ignored the threat of police and tried to sell her a home security system again. We hang up. We try to call the local police department about a minute later, but “Doug” interrupts us. He has just called as we pick up the phone to start dialing; he is already on the line. We just hang up and immediately call the police before he can call again.)

Step-Father: *a few minutes later, while on phone with the police* “Oh, my god! The phone just beeped! He’s trying to call us again!”

(An officer that was nearby showed up about five minutes later. While we were waiting for the officer, “Doug” tried to call our house again three more times. The officer took the number, and had to leave to take care of something else. “Doug” tried to call us one more time, before the calls suddenly stopped. He returned a short while later just to check in, and informed us that “Doug” was not going to be calling back. Evidently, the police had contacted the number in the meantime, and reported “Doug” to a number of superiors.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 13

| Brooklyn Park, MN, USA | Working | July 22, 2016

(My family has been receiving frequent calls from a scammer telling us we have viruses on our computer. Today, the phone rings and my dad picks up.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Dad: “Okay, how about this: I’ll throw my computer out the window, into the firepit, and I’ll burn it. Will that work? That’ll work, right?”

Dad: “No, see I’m just gonna throw out my computer and burn it. That way the virus will be gone, right?”

Dad: “Well, I just burned my computer! It’s gone! So, the virus should be gone, too, and I have nothing to worry about, right?”

Dad: “Well, see, I don’t need a computer. I just like to use my cell phone, and a typewriter, and an abacus. Because computers are evil! Like you!”

(The scammer hung up on him.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 12
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 11
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 10

The Ocarina Of Crime

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Working | May 12, 2016

(We’ve been receiving a LOT of scam and spam calls on our landline, despite the number being on the Do Not Call list.)

Me: *picks up* “Hello?”

Caller: *has a very heavy Indian accent* “Miss? I am calling from the Internal Revenue Service about penalties on your—”

Me: *howls with laughter* “F*** you, I work for a tax firm. I know the IRS doesn’t cold call about penalties.” *hangs up*

(Almost as soon as I’ve hung up, the phone rings again. ID shows it’s coming from the same number.)

Caller: *attempting to sound intimidating* “Listen here, you will be in very much trouble with the IRS. This is not a joke—”

(I laugh even more loudly and obnoxiously than I did the first time and hang up on him again. Almost immediately, the phone starts to ring a third time from the same number. Fed up with this belligerent scammer, I grab my replica Legend of Zelda ocarina off my desk before I pick up the phone.)


(He stopped calling after I responded with a very loud and sustained blast of the most ear-piercingly high pitched shriek of a note the ocarina could produce straight into the phone speaker.)

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