Hello, Is This Surreality?

, , , | Working | December 14, 2017

(I’m a telemarketer and whenever I have a bad day I call this one number who always makes my day. The lady on the other end always seemed to get a kick out of getting telemarketers like me. Here are just some of my favorites:)

First Time:

Me: “Hello, is this [First name, Last Name]?”

Lady: “No, it’s the f****** Easter bunny and I’m on vacation. Go bother Santa.” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is Warehouse of F***s. I’m sorry to say we have none to give right now. I would say try back later but our f***s just run out so darn fast, we almost never have any. Have a nice day! Bye!” *click*

Random Time:

Lady: “Hello, you have reached Mistress Iron Maiden, I can’t come to the phone right now, but feel free to give me your name, number, and how you want me to emasculate you at the beep and I’ll get right back to you. Beep!” *click*

Favorite of all Time:

Lady: “Hello, this is the Fairy Tail Bakery. I’m sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. We are either on the other line taking another order, closed, or the raccoons have burrowed through our walls again and we’ve all run for our lives because those raccoons are twice the size of a very large fat cat.” *click*

Me: “Oh, I need more than that.” *calls back*

Lady: “IT WAS THE RACCOONS!” *screams in terror, the phone sounds like it’s been dropped and then sounds of some sort of animal screeching in the distance* “COME AT ME, MOTHER-F*****S! THESE ARE MY CUPCAKES!” *click*

It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

Dying To Be Taken Off Your List

, , , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(My friend answers the phone to an unknown number.)

Friend: “Hullo.”

Caller: “Hello, I can see from our records that you were recently involved in a car accident that wasn’t your fault.”

(My friend doesn’t even own a car.)

Friend: “Yes, I was, but I died in it. I’m dead now.”

Caller: “Oh! Um, er… sorry to hear that. I guess we’ll take your number off our database.”

That’s A Pretty Good Question

, , , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(I’m a cashier at an arts and crafts store, and one of my jobs at the register is to answer the phone. This particular day I happen to get a call from a telemarketer.)

Me: *answers phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Why, hello there, [My Name]! You look very pretty today!”

Me: “We’re talking on the phone; how do you know what I look like?”

Have A Million Reasons To Hang Up

, , , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(I work remotely from home in the video game publishing industry. My business information winds up on a lot of weird contact lists, and most of it is in no way related to my work in any capacity. People try to sell me bulk sports equipment from China, for instance. One day I get a call on my work cell.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am! My name is [Caller] calling with [Company I’ve never heard of]. How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Very well, thank you! I wanted to ask you if you had ever thought of diversifying your investment portfolio in [Country]?”

Me: “Uh. Well. No, since I don’t have any investments there.”

Caller: “Exactly! I know your time is valuable, but real-estate in [Country] is booming, and our company has great ideas for—”

(It’s become apparent that this is obviously a marketing call, and someone who is calling from outside my industry. I try several times to interject, but he just talks louder and faster about how his company plans to build expensive resorts overseas with investment from me. Finally, he winds down about ten minutes later.)

Caller: “…so, as you can see, this is a great opportunity for you to get in on the ground floor. Where can I send you some documentation to look over? Is [email] correct?”

Me: “Listen, [Caller]. I appreciate your time and wish you the best of luck, but as I have been trying to tell you, I am not involved in any sort of investing or real-estate investment.”

Caller: *offended* “Pardon me, but my colleagues and I bought a list of known investors and their contact information from a reliable source.”

Me: “Not that reliable, apparently.”

Caller: *skeptical* “You’re telling me you don’t have a net worth of 15 million dollars?”

Me: *genuine surprised, shocked, disbelieving laughter*

Caller: *angrily* “Well, thanks for wasting my time, lady!” *click!*

(Yeah, buddy, it was totally my fault you shelled out for a list of unverified information obtained through dubious means and refused to listen to me when I tried to talk. Oh, well. Luckily, I can dry my tears with all my phantom millions.)

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