This Caller Has Been Band

, , , , , | Working | March 6, 2019

I am in my university’s marching band and am in the middle of an indoor practice. There are close to four hundred of us in the band so it can get pretty loud.

I have my phone out on my music stand and notice that an unfamiliar number, similar to ones that have been telemarketers in the past, is calling me in the middle of a song.

During a rest, I hit the answer button, and then go back to playing my part. After a few seconds on the line, the telemarketer hangs up.

The Only Answer I Have For You Is Nope

, , | Working | November 13, 2018

(We are a single location in a group of restaurants around the valley that are still family-owned with a headquarters. Our owner is only active in visiting the restaurants and guests every week. His children have taken over everything else. We get solicitor callers every now and again, and they always ask for the owner.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Solicitor: “Hello, my name is [Solicitor] from [Random Business]. Is [Owner] available?”

Me: “He is not available, and we are not interested today, thank you.”

Solicitor: “Oh, okay. So, do you know if he’ll be available tomorrow, since you apparently have all the answers?!”

Me: “Nope, not interested. Have a good day.”

Whistle While They Telework

, , , , | Related | October 24, 2018

(I am visiting my grandparents when they get a call from a random number.)

Grandpa: “Hey, [Grandma], it’s a telemarketer! Watch this, Squirt.”

Grandma: “Hello?” *pause* “No, thank you. I’m not interested. Could you please take me off your calling list?” *pause* “I said I’m not interested. Don’t make me repeat myself again. Take me off your list.”

(The person on the other side of the phone says something else. My grandmother calmly pulls a whistle out of her purse, puts it to her lips, and blows it as hard and loud as she can into the phone. She’s across the room from me and I have to cover my ears. She holds it for a solid fifteen seconds before she runs out of breath. I can hear the person on the other end start to yell something, but before they can form a sentence she gets her breath back and goes in for a second round. This time the caller hangs up within a few seconds and my grandmother gives a satisfied nod.)

Me: “I can’t believe you just did that! Your daughter used to be a telemarketer. Wouldn’t you feel awful if someone did that to her?”

Grandmother: “Where do you think we got the idea from? She said someone did that to her once and she had them marked down as ‘do not call’ right away so she would never have to call them again!”

(I don’t know whether their method works or not, but it’s become one of their favorite pastimes.)

Mom, You Have The Floor

, , | Working | July 31, 2018

(My family and I are enjoying dinner at home when a telemarketer calls. My mom answers.)

Telemarketer: “Good evening, this is [Telemarketer] from [Cleaning Company]. Are you interested in having your carpets cleaned?”

Mom: “I’m sorry; we don’t have any carpets.”

Telemarketer: “No problem. We also do hardwood floors. Would you be interested in having your hardwood floors cleaned?”

Mom: “We don’t have any floors!” *hangs up*

Desist The Assist

, , , , , | Working | June 25, 2018

(I don’t usually call back when I miss a call from an unknown number, but this time I have had several calls from the same number during the day so, thinking it is someone I know that changed their number, I decide to call. Of course, I get no answer, but an hour later the number calls again and this time I’m able to answer. English is not my first language, and this guy speaks very fast. The whole conversation happens in a very polite way.)

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hi, I’m returning a missed call. Who are you and what do you need?”

Me: “I was calling because I had several missed calls from this number during the day. Who are you, and why did you call?”

Caller: “Please, give me your name; you called first.”

Me: “Sorry, but I will not give my name to a random caller. Why do I have five missed calls from your number all during the morning?”

Caller: “Okay, madam, my name is [Caller] and I’m a [word I can’t understand] assistant. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Sorry, [Caller], did you say, ‘medical assistant’?”

Caller: “No, business assistant, BUSINESS.”

Me: “Ah! Okay, well, I don’t need a business assistant. Where did you get my number? Please don’t call again.”

Caller: “But you haven’t told me your name yet, and everyone needs an assistant; tell me in what do you for work and I will give you some advice.”

Me: “I really don’t need a business assistant. Please take me off your contacts.”

Caller: “Please let me help you.”

Me: *getting tired of the conversation* “Okay, [Caller], my name is [My First Name]. If you really want to help, I have something for you.”

Caller: “Great, [My Name], what do you need? Where do you work?”

Me: “Well, I’m a full-time mother, and I really need help with my baby’s poopy diaper. Can you change it?”

Caller: “Ehhh, well, ehhh… So, you really don’t need help. Have a good day. Bye.” *click*

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