We’ll Send The Internet Through The Mail

| Right | April 13, 2017

(I get a live transfer from an Internet repair level-one agent who sends us tickets to test and troubleshoot some technical stuff with the customer. The level-one agent advises me that the customer has a defective Internet modem. Keep in mind, it’s three pm and the techs only work till five pm in her town.)

Me: “Hi, I’m told you have a defective modem?”

Customer: *impatience already in her voice* “Yeah, I need a new one today!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, our policy is to send you one in the mail. Can I verify your mailing address?”

Customer: “What? No! I need you to send a technician to my house today to change my modem for me. I had this problem at my office and they came to fix it the same day! I need it TODAY!”

Me: “How long has your Internet been down? I can have a modem to you in two days.”

Customer: “You listen here! I’ve had no service for five days and because nobody has come to fix it yet, I have to call and waste my time talking to you. Now, I want my Internet working TODAY! Never mind; transfer me to someone else that can help me.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. My manager can also arrange a modem to be mailed out.”

(I hit transfer before she continued to yell at me and told the story to my boss before transferring… Guess what? He mailed her a modem!)

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An Offline Request

, | Right | September 16, 2016

(I work in a call center for a major phone carrier.)

Caller: “We’re supposed to have our service activated today, but we have no service.”

Me: “All right, let me go ahead and see what I can find out for you.” *accesses customer’s account, notices a vital network cable is being replaced and has no estimated time of completion* “Well, there is a local outage in your area, as there is an area cable that needs to be replaced, and they have to specially order the cable.”

Caller: “Well, we open tomorrow. Is there any way you can run a temporary line for us? We need a way to run credit cards and keep customers entertained while they wait.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the cable that provides service to your area is being replaced, and they have to order it.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you just use the box on the back of the building?”

(I goes on like this for a few minutes: the customer asking for a temporary line, or using the box on the back of their building; me reiterating that the network cable was needing replacing. Eventually, I have to pull this line out of my sleeve:)

Me: “What I can do, if you’d like, is set up a time to call you back, and update you on the situation?”

Caller: “I don’t see why you can’t just run a temporary line to the box on the back of the building…”

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Demanding To A Fault(line), Part 2

| Right | September 15, 2016

(Overheard at work:)

Coworker: “Your latency is because an earthquake severed an underwater cable. You’re currently being routed around the longer side of the fiber ring. And unfortunately, it will be weeks before a ship can run a new cable.”


Coworker: “I’m sorry. Did you just ask me for advanced notice of service-impacting earthquakes?”


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Disconnected From Reality

| Right | February 2, 2016

(I am doing troubleshooting over the phone with a woman whose office phone is acting up.)

Me: “So, I’m going to get you to reboot your phone. All you need to do is unplug the cable in the back of the base.”

Customer: “This data cable?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the one, but don’t do it yet or we’ll be disconnect— Hello? Hello?”

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Not A Very Survey

| Working | October 5, 2015

(The caller is doing a survey about my wireless/phone provider.)

Caller: “I just want to ask you a few questions.”

Me: “Okay, I kind of like surveys.”

Caller: *asks a variety of questions* “Now, about [Provider]’s billing practices. How would you rate them on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Me: “Billing? They send me a bill, and I pay it. How do you rate that?”

Caller: “Well, on a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate their billing?”

Me: “Um, I get a bill every month. Does that give them a 10?”

Caller: *chuckles* “But on a scale of 1 to 10…”

Me: “I can’t answer that question; sorry!”

Caller: “That’s all right. Thank you for your time. And you have a very evening!”

Me: “A … very … evening? Well, you have a very evening, too.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

Me: *sigh*

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