Lack Of Grey Matter

, , , , , | Right | January 21, 2010

(Two teenage customers ask if I can find a film for a school project.)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you have Casablanca?”

Me: “Sure.” *I fetch the film*

Customer #1: “Oh, it’s black and white?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #2: “That’s no good! We don’t have a black and white TV, only color!”

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A Squeaky Clean Record

, , , , | Right | November 9, 2009

(The junior college near my grocery store has some guy who makes very good fake IDs. After a couple of months, we’ve become adept at spotting them. One night, a young customer tries to pass one on me.)

Me: “Wow, this is a really good fake.”

(The customer’s eyes go wide and she squeaks in terror.)

Me: “How old are you, really?”

Customer: *squeaks again*

Me: “Sorry, say again?”

Customer: “Seventeen?”

Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. But this is a really good fake. How much did you pay for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Customer: “Two fifty?”

Me: “You paid two hundred and fifty dollars for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Well, I feel kinda bad that you’re losing all that money, so I’m not gonna call the police. However, I have to confiscate your ID, okay?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “You have a nice night now.”

Customer: *squeaks one last time and runs from the store*

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If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

, , , | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009

Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

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18 And Blunder

, , , | Right | October 2, 2009

Me: “Hello, this [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

Me: “Okay, sir… there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

Customer: “Adult website? What, as in p*rno?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any p*rn!”

Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

Customer: “I never ordered any p*rn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father, and a family man!”

Me: “You said family man, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

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Watch The Fur Fly

, , , , | Right | August 31, 2009

(We have recently stocked realistic-looking toy puppies and kittens in our gift store that are posed as though they’re asleep.)

Customer #1: “I just want you to know that your business is sick and disgusting! Any company that displays dead animals in their front window deserves to be shut down!”

Me: “Dead animals, ma’am? We don’t sell real animals, live or dead. We’re primarily a card store.”

Customer #1: “You have dead dogs and cats in your front window!”

Me: “Oh, those aren’t real, ma’am. They’re toys. They don’t even have real fur; they’re 100% fake.”

Customer #1: “They look real, and they look like they’re dead! What kind of sick individual would buy something like that?!”

(Right on cue, a teenage customer comes up with two puppies and a kitten.)

Customer #2: “Oh, my gawd! They’re so cute! I’m buying three!”

Customer #1: “You are not bringing those dead things into my house!”

Customer #2: “I guess I found a way to keep you from snooping into my room, huh, mom?”

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