Developing Arrest

, , , , | Right | June 10, 2013

(I work as a supervisor at a bar. Fargo is hosting the North Dakota High School State Wrestling Tournament this weekend. I receive a phone call.)

Me: “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller #1: “Hi. My name is [Caller #1]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Um, well, no, because they are not state-regulated. You have to have papers if your driver’s license or state ID is clipped.”

Caller #1: “Well, my driver’s license is clipped; can I speak to your manager?”

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #1: *click*

(Two minutes later…)

Me: “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Yes, my name is [Caller #2]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Your name is [Caller #2]?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Is the license you grabbed clipped?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, you need to have your papers issued to you by the state for your clipped driver’s license or state ID.”

(I then hear a hushed voice in the background. It is [Caller #2] talking to [Caller #1].)

Caller #2: “[Caller #1], what do I do now?”

Caller #1: “Ask for the manager.”

(Without letting [Caller #2] even ask, I respond.)

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #2: *click*

(Three minutes later…)

Me: *sighs* “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. I am the supervisor here; how may I help you?”

Caller #3: “Hi, my name is [Caller #3]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Are you friends of [Caller #1] and [Caller #2]?”

Caller #3: “YES!”

Me: “Oh, well, hello, then. I talked to my general manager, and he says to come by the bar! What time will you three ladies be showing up tonight?”

Caller #3: *in a hushed voice to [Callers #1 and #2]* “We are soooo in!” *returning to me* “We will be there at 9:30 sharp.”

Me: “Well, I hope to see you all here tonight.”

(Later that night, [Callers #1, #2, and #3] show up at 9:30.)

Caller #3: “We are here; the supervisor said you accepted student IDs!”

Me: “Hi! You must be [Callers #1, #2, #3]. Let me see your clipped drivers’ licenses and student IDs.”

(I check them. The licenses and student IDs are clearly not theirs. The pictures in each of the girl’s licenses have a different facial structure, and one girl is miraculously missing a birthmark on her chin.)

Me: “All right, ladies, we have a VIP party in the back. Let me lead you there.”

Caller #1: *to the others* “Oh, my God! VIP? This is the best [High School] trip ever!”

(I walk them around the building with all of their IDs still in my hand.)

Me: “All right, officers, they’re all yours.”

(A couple of police officers are waiting for them at the back. As they are being handcuffed, one of the callers has a question.)

Caller #1: “Can we at least get our IDs back?”

Officer 1: “You can tell…” *reads names on all three IDs* “…that they can come to pick them up at the station. We would like to have a word with them.”

(To my knowledge, they were processed to scare them, and then released to their parents. The girls on the IDs were charged with “furnishing alcohol to minors,” and “providing identification to a minor for the sole purpose of obtaining alcohol.”)


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Monster Having A Ball

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2012

(I’m working as a sign waver for a popular Halloween-themed seasonal retail chain. Because of the theme, I’m dressed in costume. I’m approached by a pair of teenage girls, but because I’m a little guy, I’m shorter than they are.)

Girl #1: “Hey! What are you supposed to be?”

Me: “I’m a pumpkin ghoul.”

Girl #2: “Would you be mad if I pushed you over?”

Me: *taken aback* “I believe I would. Though, because I was summoned unwillingly into this world to advertise for [Halloween Chain], I am still a monster.”

Girl #1: “Okay, that’s creepy.”

(The two then run away as quickly as they could after exchanging uneasy looks.)

Me: *calling after them* “Have a happy Halloween!”


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How To Get Yourself Crucified

, , , , , | Related | April 16, 2012

(My nineteen-year-old daughter is home for Easter. After church, she’s talking to the pastor about what is nice about coming home for holidays.)

Pastor: “But we all know the best reason for Easter.”

Daughter: “Real food and peeps?”

(The Pastor stares blankly.)

Daughter: “Uh… or Jesus returning from the dead?”

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Numbers Don’t Lie

, , , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2011

(I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket, working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about eight pm with three dozen eggs.)

Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*


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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | May 20, 2011

Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”

(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)

Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”

(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”

Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”

Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”

(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all seventy copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)

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