Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I seem to have a problem with my online banking.”

Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to help…”

(I identify her and find nothing wrong with her accounts, no flags or overdrafts.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not seeing anything wrong on our end. Can you describe what the problem is?”

Customer: “I don’t know what the problem is. I just got a message from you that said ‘Contact Us’.”

Me: “Okay, can you read me the message you received?”

Customer: “It says ‘Contact Us’.”

Me: “That’s all, contact us, and that’s it? No explanation?”

Customer: “That’s all! It just says ‘Contact Us’ in blue letters right above my messages.”

Me: “Wait, above your messages? You mean the link?”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “Ma’am, the blue message to contact us is a hyperlink to a blank letter. It wasn’t telling you to contact us; the link is always there for feedback, like a suggestion box.”

Customer: “Oh… well, can I please speak with your supervisor! I cannot be the only one who thought this!”

(I transfered her over and proceeded to bang my head against my keyboard.)

Me: “Xbox customer service. How may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, my Xbox isn’t working, but it doesn’t have that red light thingy in the front. I DEMAND to know what is wrong with it!”

Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to be a little more specific. Is your power supply functioning properly?”

Client: “Of course it is. Do I sound stupid to you?”

Me: “No, sir… Can I get your console number?”

Client: “On the bottom of the disk drive?”

Me: “No, it’s not–”

Client: “OHHH, I found the problem. There was some baloney in the disk drive…” *click*

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Make-You-Say-WTF roundup!

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(I’ve just spent about ten minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Me: “No…?”

(I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until ten minutes later.)

(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs, and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals, or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried [Store] across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there! I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping Manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

(An older woman in her 50s needs some help picking out a new MP3 player.)

Me: “Okay, so do you have any preferences?”

Woman: “Well, do you have any that are waterproof?”

Me: “Not really…”

Woman: “I had one before, but it’s broken.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Woman: “Yeah, it was my own fault though, I think.”

Me: “How come?”

Woman: “Well, I put it in here–” *points and looks at her breasts* “–while I was at the gym. I guess I was sweating a bit too much!”

Me: “…”

This story is part of the Customers-Sharing-TMI roundup!

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