(We have a free self-use blood pressure machine in our pharmacy.)

Customer: “When are you going to fix your blood pressure machine?”

Pharmacist: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your blood pressure machine is broken. Every time I come in here, it doesn’t work! You should really take care of it. Lots of old people need to check their blood pressure, you know!”

Me: “Are you sure? I just filled the paper roll the other day. It was working fine.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’ve been trying to use it for days. It’s not working. You should really take care of it!”

(I take a look at the machine and try to troubleshoot the problem. I sit in the seat, roll up my sleeve, put it in the cuff, and push the big green “Start” button. The cuff inflates normally.)

Customer: “You mean you’re supposed to push that button?!”

Patron: “Do you have a typewriter?”

Me: “No, sorry. We haven’t had one in a while, but I can show you how to use Word.”

Patron: “No, I need a typewriter. I want to put an address on an envelope.”

Me: “Well you can do that in—”

Patron: “I can’t believe you don’t have a typewriter. What kind of library doesn’t have a typewriter?! Where can I find one?”

Me: “I really don’t know. You could try [Office Supply Store], I suppose.”

(The man leaves, grumbling. The next woman in line comes up.)

Patron #2: “I don’t suppose your computers can take floppies?”

(I am a customer at a restaurant. I’m wearing a shirt from a popular web comic. A woman, also a customer, approaches me.)

Customer: “I love your shirt!”

Me: “Aw, thanks! Are you a fan of [web comic]?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never heard of it, but your shirt is so cute. I just have to have one! Where did you get it?”

Me: “I bought it online. Do you want the name of the website?”

Customer: *suddenly huffy and angry* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um, do you want the name of the place on the internet that I ordered the shirt from?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? Are you trying to trick me? There’s no such thing as a website with shirts on it! The only things on the internet are p*rn and pedophiles!”

Me: *completely speechless*

Nearby Customer: “Ma’am, could you please settle down? There are children around, and I’m sure their parents don’t want them hearing about–”

Customer: “P*rn and pedophiles!” *rushes out of restaurant*

(A student comes in to the Registrar’s office to pick up a transcript. After discovering that she never placed an order, I tell her to place the order so that it will be ready in the afternoon. After checking the system over the course of several hours and not seeing the order, I call the student.)

Me: “Yes, I see you still have not placed your order.”

Student: “I placed it hours ago!”

Me: “Uh oh, I hope something is not wrong with our system. Did you get confirmation that the order went through?”

Student: “Yes! I still have it up right here on my screen. It says right here: ‘Transaction Failed’!”

Customer: “I was in an accident last week and the other guy was at fault. His insurance company has totaled my car out and wants my original title. Can you fax it for me?”

(I think I misheard them, since they won’t receive the original title if I fax it. So, I ask them to clarify.)

Me: “So, they need a copy of it and you need me to fax it?”

Customer: “No, fax the original. That’s what they need.”

Me: “Sorry, but faxing will not result in you having the original.”

Customer: “No, just fax it. They need the original.”

(I try several times more to explain that they won’t get an original through fax, without success. Finally, the customer gives up.)

Customer: “I don’t see what you don’t understand! All you need to do is fax it and they’ll get the original!” *leaves the office grumbling*