Need Proof That They Have A Brain

, , , | Right | July 16, 2018

(I work as a chat support agent. In order for me to see anything on an account, I need certain information from the customer, which they usually provide when starting the chat. On occasion I get someone who doesn’t provide it, and won’t provide it when asked, but this has to be the worst reason ever.)

Me: “Thank you for contacting chat support! How can I help you?”

Customer: “You guys double-billed me! I need you to fix this!”

Me: “All right, if you can give me your account information, I can pull it up to see what is going on.”

Customer: “I don’t have it.” *sends a screenshot* “Here’s proof. Fix it.”

(The screenshot is a single order confirmation, cropped so it doesn’t even list what the order was for, doesn’t show an order number, and is basically no help at all.)

Me: “I’ll need the information for the account so I can pull it up. I’m not able to see anything about this or make any changes on the account without it.”

Customer: “I’ve sent proof; now fix it!”

(This goes back and forth for a while. I’ve sent them instructions for finding the information multiple times, and explained that I can’t see anything and that the screenshot doesn’t help. Finally they let me know why they can’t get it.)

Customer: “I can’t do that; I’m driving to an appointment right now. I’ve provided proof, and I need you to fix this!”

Me: “…”

(She stopped responding shortly after. I like to think she realized how stupid it was to be typing and driving at the same time. Or maybe Darwin did his job.)

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Email Fail, Part 18

, , | Working | April 20, 2018

(One day, none of our emails seems to be sending. We’ve lost the connection on the modem, and can’t reconnect. I check the phone lines and everything seems fine, so I phone the London IT Helpdesk.)

Tech: “Yeah, the email system went down overnight. We’re trying to fix it, but we need to recall the backup tapes, so it’ll be at least a few hours before anything is back online.”

Me: “Okay, no worries. I’ll let you go; you’re probably really busy.”

Tech: “Yeah, everyone keeps phoning us to ask why email isn’t working. Did you not get the alert we sent out?”

Me: “The alert that goes via email?”

(A pause. I can almost hear the cogs whirring in the young man’s head.)

Tech: “Oh, my God. That was dumb, wasn’t it? We’ll put an alert up on the intranet page!”

Me: “Good idea.”

(As I hung up, I heard him shouting to his boss, “Why did we email the bloody alert?!”)

Email Fail, Part 17
Email Fail, Part 16
Email Fail, Part 15

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Don’t Forget To Microwave Them Goodbye As They Exit The Store

, , , , | Right | January 4, 2018

(I am working the returns desk. I look up to see a lady and her husband coming through the door with this rather large and battered box in a shopping cart. The customer is returning a microwave, in particular, a type which we had a recall on in the past due to it not wanting to shut off and burning itself up.)

Me: “So, what was the problem with the microwave?”

Woman: “It blew.”

Me: “Didn’t shut off and burned up?”

Woman: “No. It blew.”

(I am gritting my teeth. It is everything I can do to not tell her that’s the definition of “burned up.”)

Me: “It blew up?”

Woman: “No. It’s blue. It doesn’t match anything in my kitchen.”

Me: *blinks* “What?”

Woman: “It’s blue. Blue like the sky.”

(I pick the microwave box up and start opening it. The woman gets somewhat angry with me, starting off on this rant about how I don’t trust her or something, how she hates the store; you know — the usual “I pay your check” rant.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I just haven’t ever seen a blue microwave before. That’s all. I have got to see this.”

(Opening the box, I blink and then realize that the woman has made a mistake. So I gently tell her that no, the microwave isn’t blue. This does not go over well. She starts in on that rant again, going on about how stupid I am, questioning my intelligence, and noting that a “southern” person can’t be trusted; this is in Georgia, but she has a THICK New York accent. As she’s carrying on her rant, I start picking at the corner of the top I’ve exposed. My manager at this point has come over, which starts the whole “It blew/blue” thing again. About halfway into that, I manage to get a good hold on the plastic coating on the microwave. Giving it a good hard yank, producing a wonderfully loud ripping sound, I remove about half of the protective film off the microwave, revealing the stainless steel underneath.)

Me: “It’s not blue now.”

(The woman just stared at me, looked at the microwave, and back to the manager, all the while making this open mouth motion like a fish out of water. The manager had this funny grin on his face, and you could tell he was trying NOT to laugh in her face. Eventually she realized the stupidity of what she had done, and how this “southern” boy just made her look stupid. Needless to say, she took the microwave home.)

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Unfiltered Story #92712

, | Unfiltered | August 29, 2017

Customer: “For months, I’ve been having slow internet and I know why.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Well, outside my house there’s a puddle of water near the Telephone Pole.”

Me: “Mhmm.”

Customer: “When I stand in it, it feels very spongy. My brother and I stood in it and he also agreed it feels really spongy.”

Me: “Mhmm.”

Customer: “So, that’s why my internet slow.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

Customer: “Well, its slow because of the water. When I’m using my computer and I’m on Facebook, the screen looks very watery…”

Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

Me: “In two days, sir.”

Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the Internet sooner than that.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dial-up account until your DSL is installed.”

Caller: “But dial-up is too slow… cancel my order!”

Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three-week wait.”

Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(The next day, the same customer calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

Caller: *silence* “So… can I still get the dial-up until my DSL is installed?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

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