I work in the IT department of a college. While we’re only obligated to help employees and students, we’re usually nice enough to offer basic help to people coming in “off the street”. By basic, I mean “turn it off and on” and “here’s the address for the nearest repair shop”. Because of this, we get some crazy calls.

I answer a call with the standard greeting.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. My name is [Caller] and I live at [Address]. We’re neighbors. I don’t have Internet at my house and neither do the four people on my street. Who is your Internet provider?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure because I don’t work with our vendors. Why do you ask?”

Caller: “Well, I want Internet and I was hoping you could persuade your provider to run broadband to our house. I already spoke to every Internet provider and even the governor and they suggested I talk to you. We’re neighbors, after all!”

I am confused, because the address she gave me is nowhere near the main campus. After some back and forth, I figure out she’s near one of our remote campuses. The address is in a rural part of the state with spotty Internet coverage. It’s unusual in this day and age but not unheard of.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can help you. We have Internet on our campus because we are a state agency. I suggest you talk to your local providers and see what they can do for you. If you have a cable provider, they usually provide Internet, too.”

Caller: “But I already talked to every provider in the area and they won’t run cable out to my house. Can’t you run cable to us? We’re neighbors!”

Me: “Unfortunately, since you’re not a student or an employee of the college, that’s the most I can do to help you.”

Caller: “Well, what if I become a part-time student? Can I get Internet then?”

Me: “That’s a question better answered by student services. Would you like me to transfer you?”

Caller: “But you should be able to give me Internet. We’re neighbors!” 

Me: “Ma’am. These are the solutions I have for you and I can’t help you further than that. I can either transfer you to student services or end this call.” 

She hung up. Sure, lady. I’ll be “neighborly” and personally run a fiber optic cable to your house. Just pay me a million to create the infrastructure and get all the permits.

Related:
When The Internet Is Internot, Part 2
When The Internet Is Internot

I am on-site replacing RAM for one of the finance guys at my workplace. Today, he and I just match outfits. We both have short brown hair, we’re relatively skinny and the same build, and we’re both wearing white shirts and black pants.

He leaves to let me replace his RAM. I go under the desk to start opening up the computer.

A sales lady walks in to talk to the finance guy, not realizing he has left and she’s actually talking to me under the desk.

Sales Lady: “What are you doing, you idiot?”

I have been called WAY worse on the job, so I just go along with it. It doesn’t bother me.

Me: *A little confused* “Replacing the RAM in this computer?”

Sales Lady: “Yeah, you ram that RAM in there!”

Her tone implies a sexual joke.

Me: *Smirking* “You don’t know who you’re talking to, do you?”

The lady sits down on the chair for customers and pulls out her phone.

Sales Lady: “I know who I’m talking to, you freaking weirdo.”

I pop my head up from behind the desk with a huge smile on my face. The sales lady gasps, her face looking like she just witnessed a murder.

Sales Lady: “OH, MY GOD! I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T REALIZE… YOU AND HE ARE BOTH IN THE SAME OUTFIT! I’M SO, SO, SO SORRY!”

I just laughed my a** off. Then, it got better: the other guy walked in and looked SUPER confused. I lost it. I was on the ground, weak as h***.

Once she explained the situation that had just ensued and we all had a good laugh, I finished ramming the RAM in there and went on my way once he was booted up and good to go. It was just so perfect. It made my day.

I work at a law firm. I was at work doing worky things. I’d been over to see one of the users in a test group for the latest print code that was waiting to be rolled out to everyone.

It can cause such a stink when it goes wrong that you don’t just give it to everyone for fear that now everyone can’t print. You select a few. And yes, we cherry-pick. If you can form a sentence in a bug report and can remember way, way back into the past two minutes and recall what you did, you get put in the top group. I believe at the time there were five different ways to print. Changes had been made to some part of it and it was out with some test users.

I had just been to the desk of one of these users over some issue she couldn’t work out.

By the time I’d walked back to my desk, a colleague was already on the phone to [User].

Colleague: “Yeah, yeah, he’s just walked in. Hold on.” *To me* “It’s [User].”

Ah, Jesus. What now?

Me: “Hi, [User].”

User: “Hi, [My Name], I can’t print since you’ve been over. I’ve tried everything I can think of and nothing’s working. Whatever you did must have broken it.”

Me: “What do you mean, you can’t print? What way are you trying?”

User: “The new print button and the old one.”

Me: “On the toolbar?”

User: “Yeah”

Me: “Huh. It shouldn’t have affected the old one even if it was broken. Try File and Print, through the dialog.”

User: “Yeah, that’s not working, either.”

Me: “Okay, try the plain Print button.”

User: “Mmm, nope. Nothing.”

Me: “Okay, try Ctrl and P.”

User: “Didn’t work, either.”

Me: “This is weird. Are there any errors on the printer?”

User: “[Coworker]. [Coworker]! Are there any errors on the printer?” *Pauses* “It says load paper.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that’s related. Put some paper in and I’ll wait to check that it’s okay.”

User: “Yeah, that’s worked now. Ooo. It’s printing a lot!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s gonna do that.”

A year ago, I did tech support for a TV company that also handled Internet. I was a part of something called the “advanced resolution team”, meaning I had the power of a manager (credits, extra offers, and such) without the pay but got all the angry people who continued to call in.

One day, I get a call from a customer.

Customer: “I’m not able to download a show on my TV to play it back, and my TV apps aren’t working.”

I go through all the normal questions. “Is everything else working? Is it only affecting Internet-related TV items?” So on and so forth.

I begin my flow for Internet issues and do the basic troubleshooting.

Me: “Can you please check your router and tell me what you see?”

Customer: “There are no lights on my router.”

I guide him through resetting the router. Four minutes later:

Me: “Do you see any lights on the router now?”

Customer: “No, still no lights.”

Me: “All right, sir, is anything else in your home experiencing Internet issues?”

Customer: “The Wi-Fi on my phone isn’t working, and neither is the Internet on my computer.”

I halt my troubleshooting.

Me: “I’ll have to transfer you over to our Internet department due to your Internet being down and your router not working properly.”

The man begins to laugh.

Customer: “I don’t care if anything else has Internet. I just want my TV to have Internet.”

I let out a sigh. I know this is going to be a battle.

Me: “If your router isn’t showing lights, your Internet is down. We cannot only put Internet on your TV since your Internet itself isn’t working.”

Customer: *Irritated* “You don’t want to help me. You only want to pass me off because you don’t know how to do your job!”

Me: “I can only troubleshoot TV tech issues. Because of the issue being your Internet, the Internet department needs to further assist you.”

I was so aggravated. I was yelled at for seven straight minutes about how he only needed the Internet on his TV and we controlled the Internet. My supervisor came over due to my call time being high. I explained the issue and their only resolution was to be a broken record. After ten more minutes of explaining that I couldn’t magically turn on the Internet for only his TV, I cold transferred him to the Internet department, took off my headset, and sat under my desk for the next five minutes.

I’m working as tech support for a company that sells bespoke hardware amongst other things. One of these items is a pay machine that lets you pay and select the amount/type/colour of copies for MFDs — multi-function devices. It basically lets you scan/print/copy/fax, etc.

A couple of these have been sold for a council (think local county) up in the midlands for them to use in their library, so people can come in and use it as part of a self-serve system for prints. We get a call in the office.

Me: “Hello, [Company] helpdesk.”

Librarian: “Hi. The print machine isn’t working.”

Me: “It’s not working? Can you explain its behaviour?”

Librarian: “The screen isn’t turning on, but the box is on.”

The product requires TWO power connectors: one for the metal box section that contains and takes the money and the second for the screen attached to the box section. The screen is kind of an afterthought, from the looks of it.

We go through some basic troubleshooting steps so I can try and narrow down the possible causes: firm connections, wall socket is switched on, and yes, turn it off and on again.

Me: “Can you please check the barrel connector on the back of the screen for power? Just to check that it hasn’t come out?”

Librarian: “Oh, I’m not confident with touching any of that.”

Since we can’t remote onto these — not yet, that came much later — someone is going to have to go on-site to have a look. No prizes for guessing who goes.

I end up going to the library, which is roughly two and a half hours on the train from London to the site — the roads are worse, so it’s not an option to drive — and I end up leaving at 8:30 am to get there in a decent time in case there is a legitimate issue.

I haul a rucksack full of spares and my toolbox in the middle of summer. I get there, dehydrated and sweating like a pig, only to come in, take my rucksack off, and peek round the back of the screen on the unit to see the barrel connector is loose but still inside the case because of the size of the slot. I sort the “problem” in two minutes and head back to the office. Once in, I flop down in my seat, exasperated, and close the ticket.

Manager: “Did you manage to fix the problem?”

Me: “Yeah, it wasn’t plugged in on the screen’s side.”

Cue laughter from the entirety of the support desk, all eight of us.

A five-hour train ride for a two-minute fix. Honestly…