Whoaaahh, Am I Moving The Mouse Or Is It Moving Me

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Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.”

Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”

Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”

Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”

Caller: “Ok. Got it. Now what?”

Me: “Ok, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–”

Caller: “Oh…”

Me: “You found the problem?”

Caller: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.”

Me: *trying not to laugh*

Caller: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.” *click*

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Problem Is Too Stupid To Recognize It Exists

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Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”

Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard’.”

Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”

(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)

Caller: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Er… what did you do?”

Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… now it’s right over the chair!”

(I actually head-desked after that.)

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And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam, Part 2

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Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”

Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?

Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

Caller: “But the page said to call!”

Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”

Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

Related:
And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

Tech Support, Tier 666

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(Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”

(I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)

Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”

Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”

Me: “No, no I’m not.”

Customer: *completely baffled*

Me: “I hate my life.”

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From Bad To Worse

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(I work in email and chat tech support, so one day, an email comes in.)

“Hello Miss Sir,

Please send me new one. ¬†My wife’s has defected.

Boris”

——-

“Dear Boris,

Thanks for contacting us. ¬†If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it. ¬†Please respond with more details on the problem. ¬†If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Sincerely,
[Me]”

——–

“Hello Miss,

Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”

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