The Final Step Is Acceptance

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(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: “Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****”

Customer: “Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…it says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do I do?!”

Me: “Er…is there a button that says ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”

Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!” *hangs up*

Me: “…you’re welcome?”

Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

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Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

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Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

Me: “Holes?”

Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”

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It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4

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(I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

Related:
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

Up and Running

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(I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!”

While You’re At It, Do My Taxes Too

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(It’s May 5th, and I’m remotely connected to a customer’s computer helping her with a billing issue.)

Customer: “What race are you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m only asking because it’s Cinco De Mayo, and I’m Mexican. Well, I have Mexican blood.”

Me: “Oh.”

Customer: ¬†”I need to go drink margaritas now. Could you just stay in my computer and do my billing for me? I’ll come back in the morning and print the bills out.”

Me: “…”

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