The Magical Mocha Phone

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(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer:¬†”My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone? ¬†Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me:¬†”Riiight.”

I’m In Ur Hubz Burnin Ur Portz

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Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you try a different port?”

(I hear scuffling in the background.)

Customer: “It works now.”

Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

Customer: *hangs up*

Cube mate: “Terrorists?”

Customer of the Week: Life or Death

| Old Comics

Customer Of The Week: Life or Death
Created by our friends at Quitting Time

Original Story

Will Somebody Please Think Of The Pr0n

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Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “Can you save my porn?”

Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”

Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

Customer: “–and my porn.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

(Fortunately, he never came in.)

The Danger With Rhetorical Questions

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Me: “Thank you for calling ******, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I am in the back office and someone told me that we were supposed to be able to use wireless keyboards, so I cut the cable.”

Me: “You… cut the cable?”

Customer: “Yes, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “You cut the cable on your keyboard, and now it doesn’t work?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “You’re going to have to buy a new keyboard.”

Customer: “Why? I was told we could use wireless keyboards.”

Me: “That is not a wireless keyboard.”

Customer: “Yes it is.”

Me: “Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it work?”

Me: “Does your phone have a cable?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”

Customer: *line disconnects after 20 seconds of silence*

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