Close Encounters Of The Dumb Kind

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Me: “Thank you for calling **** support.”

Customer: “Um…I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…OK. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “OK sir, unfortunately your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

There’s Always Time To Complain

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(I overheard my coworker take this call…)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** tech support, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t have time to get into it right now! It’s not working, I’ll call back later!”

Coworker: “Okay… thank you for calling!”

I Just Called To Say I Hate You

It Burns When I Download

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Caller: “I’m having trouble downloading pictures in your program. ¬†My camera doesn’t appear in the list.”

(I ask him some questions and determine that his camera is not compatible with our software.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks as though you’ll have to download your pictures using the software that came with your camera. ¬†What program do you normally use?”

Caller: “Chlamydia.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Caller: “I usually download my pictures in Chlamydia.”

Me: *stifling laugh* “Go into your start menu and read me the name of the program very carefully.”

Caller: “Ok, it says cam-ee-dee-uh.”

Me: “Oh, Camedia…”

(I keep it together and manage to wrap up the call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** technical support. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “Nope, I’ll just dowload my pictures in Chlamydia then. Thanks!” *click*

Methinks His Digital Mistress Was Sabotaged

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Customer: “My husband spilled a milkshake on his laptop’s keyboard.”

Me: “Okay, well it appears that you have our accidental service plan, so let’s get you squared away and get this laptop fixed.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s great! when will it be back?”

Me: “Two to four weeks.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s not good.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Do you give loaners?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we do not.”

Customer: “Great! You mean he wont be able to watch his porn then?!”

Me: *blank look*

Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

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(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*

Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2
Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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