Be Sure They Turn Left At The Bering Strait

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(A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

Me, to manager: “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

Me: “Not in Utah.”

Manager: *laughs*

Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

Manager: “Let me know if he does!”

Might We Suggest Some Buckets

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Tech Support: “Thank you for calling ****. This is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh my God, my water pipes burst open over my server room! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Your office water pipes burst over your server room?”

Customer: “Yes! What the h*** do I do?!”

Tech Support: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling me?!”

From Zero to Stupid In 10 Seconds

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Customer: “Hi, I just brought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Did you plug it in?”

Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.”

Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Double-checked all the wires?”

Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”

Me: “OK…why don’t you tell me what you did?”

Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”

Me: “Then?”

Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”

Me: “…ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer…”

Customer: “Yes there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”

(In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)

Just Wait Until They Discover Palindromes

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Me: “Okay, we now need to log into your modem. It should ask for login details.”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Admin and admin are the username and password.”

Customer: “Are the passwords in that order?”

Me: “Umm. Sure, go for it.”

Customer: “Ok, I’d hate to have gotten them mixed up!”

Amen, Part 2

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Caller: “I’m not happy with the website.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “It’s not reporting my usage correctly.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Is it saying you have used more than you think you have?”

Caller: “No, it’s saying I have not used any.”

Me: “Oh, that means we were accidentally giving it to you for free. Thanks for telling me!”

Caller: “Crap! I should learn not to complain!”

Related:
Amen

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