If You Can’t Beat Them, Annoy Them

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(The customer had demanded a supervisor, and I was the supervisor who took this call.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hi, my name is ****, supervisor on the floor, how may I help you?”

Customer: “My internet is down and I need it up now! Your stupid agent told me I have an appointment for tomorrow morning! What YOU need to do is give me one today!”

(I check the schedule and there is nothing available.)

Me: “I do apologize ma’am, but it seems that we don’t have anyone available for today. But, it looks like we have someone coming out tomorrow morn–”

Customer: “I don’t care about tomorrow! I want someone today! Either you cancel someone else’s appointment and give me one today, or I will stay on this phone until you decide to! And I know you can’t hang up on me!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you’re frustrated, but there is no way for me to get you an appointment today.”

Customer: “Well, I guess it sucks for you then, huh? I’m not hanging up this phone.”

Me: “Even if you stay on, it won’t change the appointments. We are overbooked today.”

Customer: “Well, I guess you’re not getting anything done today! Since I can’t do anything, you won’t either. Your work will never be done!”

Me: “OK, you can stay on the phone. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Horrible!”

Me: “I’m doing fine myself.”

Customer: “…so when’s my appointment for tomorrow?”

Putting the Dumb In Wisdom

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(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me, to student: “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random passerby: *walks off*

Me, to student: “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

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Ultra Short Term Memory

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Caller: “I forgot the password for my computer. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure, let me just get your account information and you can enter a new password.”

Caller: *gives me her information*

Me: “Okay, you can enter a new password now.”

Caller: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Well, tha–”

Caller: “S***! I forgot it again!”

Children Should Come With A Manual… Or A Hot Line

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Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****. How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need some help. My son just shot my TV.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Yeah – he was playing around with a BB gun and shot the center of the TV. It’s dead. I need to know what to do.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, sir… that’s not something that’s covered under warranty.”

Customer: “Oh, obviously. I know that, but I need to know what to do.”

Me: “I can get you the number of a repair shop near you…”

Customer: “No, I need to know what to do to my son. He shot my f***ing TV. What do I do? Ground him? Spank him?”

Me: “… unfortunately that’s not something I can assist you with, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Right. Well, I thought I would try anyway.”

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University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2

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(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Related: University Of Homer Simpson

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