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What Good Was That Chat

| RI, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

(I work as a remote chat agent for a phone and Internet provider. I help customers add features to their phones, like international if they are traveling, or parental controls. I do not have direct account access, and usually this is no problem for most people.)

Me: “Happy Tuesday! Welcome to [Company] Online Features Sales! How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? You can’t do anything because you don’t have access to my account. You’re just a waste of time and my money.”

Me: “I can still do my best to assist you, even without direct account access!”

Customer: “So, what good are you? And you’re probably not an American.”

Me: “I am, actually. I live in Rhode Island. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? You can’t help me. Your job doesn’t help anyone.”

Me: “I am very sorry to hear that. Unless you have a question or inquiry, I will need to end this chat. Do you have any questions for me before I do so?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? F*** you.”

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]!”

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The Golden Age Of Tech Support

| UK | Awesome Customers, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from a customer about computer text-sizes. I can hear from the user’s voice that he was getting on a bit, and notice in the ‘notes’ section that the customer is semi-retired and not very computer-savvy. After I have explained:)

Caller: “Oh! I think I understand. I’ve not changed the text size, but I’m on my old laptop; the new one is in for repair. I’m just doing this for my son while he’s on holiday, and I’m more comfortable on the sofa. Give me a moment; I’ll just try plugging it into the TV…”

(At first I think he meant an external monitor, but as he fiddled around with the cables he explained he’d bought this particular TV for the range of different connectors it had, so the great-grandchildren could bring round their game consoles and he could watch his blu-ray discs from the laptop that was in for repair. He was rather scathing about the staff in the electronics shop who’d not listened to what he wanted and tried to sell him a much simpler model with big buttons on top.)

Caller: “Right, I’ll just get the RDP session back up… Oh, yes, that’s better. All the buttons are showing now.”

Me: “Great. So, did you need help with the new process?”

Caller: “No, the instructions are pretty clear. It’s good to not have all that mucking around printing things any more. Here’s hoping I can get the wireless keyboard and mouse to work with this old thing. I don’t want to be sitting on the floor. It’ll make my arthritis play up and I’ve got a class this afternoon!”

Me: “Oh, what are you doing?”

Caller: “I teach computers for senior citizens at the local college. They didn’t want to let me do it at first, said I’m too old, but I said to them, who better to understand how to explain things to pensioners than another pensioner! Who else really understands what sort of things we want to be doing? And the students can’t say they’re too old to understand when the teacher’s 96, can they? Though some people you just can’t help. Like my son; I expect he calls you a lot.”

(Every time I get a customer who says they’re too old to learn computers, I tell them about this man…)

Don’t Answer Machine Back

| Omaha, NE, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I want your voice mail service turned off now!”

Me: “Let me take a look… your voice mail is deactivated already, sir.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! I came home today and my phone said I had one message!”

Me: “Does your phone have an answering machine, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, it does! What does that have to do with anything!?! You never turned off your voice mail and now my phone says I have a message!”

Me: “It’s on your answering machine, sir.”

Customer: “And how did it get there?! Out of thin air?!”

Me: “No, sir, someone called you and left a message on the answering machine.”

Customer: “My a** they did!” *click*

Netflix And Won’t Chill

| Omaha, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Popular, Technology

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Female Customer: “I was trying to watch something on demand and it would go through. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there is an outage for your area for that service at the moment.”

Female Customer: “How the h*** is that supposed to help me? I want a forty dollar credit on my account.”

Me: “Well I would be glad to credit you for the day of service for the inconvenience.”

Female Customer: “Listen here, you son of a b****! I want a forty dollar credit because this is ruining my night. Do you have any idea how much I want to watch my shows?”

Me: “I understand and apologize, ma’am, but there are a lot of people affected by this issue at the moment. You’re not the only one and we can’t give everyone a forty dollar credit.”

Female Customer: “I don’t give a d***! This is my night to watch my shows. My account is more important than theirs! You can handle them on your own time!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want I can credit you for the day and then if you like I can send a field technician out to you tomorrow after the outage to make sure your services are working fine.”

Female Customer: “Whatever! Just give me the credit! How much is it?”

Me: “Five dollars.”

Female Customer: “Was that so hard?”

(I should add that I may have “forgotten” to tell her about the charge for the technician.)

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Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 23

| Canada | Extra Stupid, Popular, Technology

(I get a call where the modem is online and other devices can connect to the wifi, but the computer that is connected to the modem with a network cable can’t get online. I log into the modem and can see that it’s not detecting anything plugged into it.)

Me: “…so it’s probably just a loose cable. So can you please check the cable at the back of the modem?”

Customer: “Yeah, it seemed a bit loose, but now it’s in tight.”

Me: “That’s strange; I still can’t see it. Is the computer on right now?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Because I can’t see it if it’s not turned on.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s on.”

Me: “Okay, then, can you please check the cable at the back of the computer and make sure it’s not loose there?”

Customer: “It’s tight.”

Me: “I still can’t see it. Maybe it’s a bad port. Can you move the cable in the back of the modem to the next square hole over, please?”

Customer: “Okay, done.”

Me: “I still can’t see it from here. Can you get online yet?”

Customer: “No, it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, then, let’s try the next port over. Now, the computer is on, right?”

Customer: “”Yeah, it’s on.”

(We spend the next ten minutes trying every port in the back of the modem, having them try a second “network” cable (that ends up being just a regular phone cord from the fax machine, which of course doesn’t work). I still can’t get the modem to see the connection or the computer online, and they don’t have any other laptops or anything that we can plug in instead to test the cable. Finally…)

Me: “Okay, I don’t know why the modem can’t see the computer. The cable seems to be in decent shape, and I can’t believe that all four ports spontaneously died at once. I’ve got to check what IP your computer’s getting. Go over to it, please, and click on the Start button in the bottom left corner of your screen, then “All Programs”–”

Customer: “Just a sec; I have to turn the computer on.”

Me: *in disbelief* “The computer isn’t on.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I asked you a few times if it was on. You told me it was.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Because I can’t see the connection if the computer’s not on!”

Customer: “Yeah. Sorry.”

(As soon as the computer was on, we checked her Internet, and lo and behold, it was working. The network cable had been loose after all; and we had spent the next half hour or so trying to troubleshoot a problem that didn’t exist for a computer that wasn’t even on! And customers wonder why tech support agents tend to talk to them like they’re morons. Statistically, they probably are.)

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 22
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 21
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 20

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