It Pains Him To Say It

| London, England, UK | Working | October 13, 2013

Boss: “Hey look, can I have a word with you?”

Me: “Yeah sure, what’s up?”

Boss: “I’ve noticed you taking some medicine at your desk. The label says morphine, and I’m afraid that’s not allowed.”

Me: “Oh, weird but whatever. I can take it in the bathroom I guess. It’s just for my spinal pain.”

Boss: “Yeah, that’s not going to work either. Look, we have a strict drugs and alcohol policy here.”

Me: “That refers to illegal drugs; these are prescription ones. I’ve got a severe spinal disorder, and sadly have to live off painkillers. Ask my GP.”

Boss: “No. No drugs at work. In fact I really should send you for a drugs screening now you’ve admitted to taking them.”

Me: “This is prescribed for me by my doctor! It’s legal; what on earth does the company have against me taking prescription medication?”

Boss: “Look, if I took that stuff I’d be high as a kite! I can’t trust you to do your job stoned.”

Me: “I’ve been on this for years! Trust me; I don’t get any kind of high off this.”

Boss: “Sorry, but no. If you insist on bringing this stuff into work, I’ll have to confiscate it and dispose of it.”

Me: “You have no right to take my prescribed meds off me.”

Boss: “You know what? I’m sending you for that drugs screening anyway. You’re too defensive to not be doing something wrong!”

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Networking Notworking

| Stockholm, Sweden | Right | October 4, 2013

(I am working as a shift leader in tech support for a global Swedish telephone company. I usually take phone calls from the agents where the customer is rather upset. I get called to an agent, where the customer is furious and yelling at him. I take over the phone.)

Me: “Hi, this is the managing shift leader; I hear you have a complaint. May I ask what this is about?”

Customer: “Yes! I called you guys yesterday about not getting network connection in my office, and nothing has happened yet! Do you have any idea how much money I am costing the company, unable to work?”

Me: “Okay, I understand; just give me a minute to check the logged issue.”

(I read the ticket and get suspicious immediately, because information about basic troubleshooting is missing.)

Me: “Sir? When you reported this, did the agent ask you to try another outlet?”

Customer: “Yes! It wasn’t working with that one either! Send me an onsite technician right NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry to say, but I believe there has been a misunderstanding here of the real root cause. May I please ask of you to just troubleshoot one more thing before I can escalate?”

Customer: “H*** no! I spent over 30 minutes on the phone last time and that didn’t do s***! Do you have any idea how much money I make? I could have 20 of your so-called onsite techs following me constantly and it wouldn’t even show on my salary! I demand a priority top issue on this matter, right now!”

Me: “Well sir, I am sorry to say that it is not allowed for a single user issue, no matter how much money you make. I am fairly certain the issue does not lie with the outlet, but in fact with your network card. So sending someone to ‘fix’ the outlet isn’t going to solve the issue. If you on the other hand, let me verify my suspicions, then this can be sorted out in a matter of minutes instead of days.”

Customer: “D*** it! You are all worthless pieces of s***! Fine, what do you want me to do?”

Me: “Just press the start button. In the run field you enter ‘cmd.’ Is there a black screen there now? Good. Please type ‘ping’ What does it say?”

Customer: “‘Request timed out.’ What does that mean?”

Me: “It’s as I suspected. Your network card is broken. So instead of waiting for an onsite technician, how about I refer this ticket to your walk-in-center, and you just give them the ticket number and get a loaner PC while they fix your network card? That way you can start working again.”

Customer: “Erm… well, yes. That would work. Er, thanks.”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

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Intelligence Unplugged

| Pocatello, ID, USA | Right | September 12, 2013

(A customer’s cable box has an error and needs to be reset to correct it.)

Me: “Okay we need to reset your box. We can do that by unplugging it for 15 seconds and plugging it back in.”

Customer: “It’s not plugged in.”

Me: “It’s not plugged in?”

Customer: “No it’s never been plugged in.”

Me: “So it’s not plugged in?”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “The power light is on right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And we have that error message on the screen correct?”

Customer: “Correct.”

Me: “But it’s not plugged in?”

Customer: “Right, it’s never been plugged in.”

Me: “…let’s check just to make sure.”

Customer: “Alright, but you’re wasting my time. This has never been plugged in since you guys hooked it up a few years ago.”

Me: “I understand. Just humor me.”

Customer: “Oh… it is plugged in. What did you want me to do?”

Me: “Unplug it for 15 seconds, and plug it back in.”

(After that it works just fine!)

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Operating On A Net Loss

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Working | September 2, 2013

(The internet in our store is not working. I give our help desk a call.)

Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [store]. I’m just calling to see if there’s something that can be done about our connection through the company. I have to open in half an hour, and I can’t connect to any of our necessary functions.”

Tech Support: “Seriously? Why are you calling? Didn’t you get the email we sent out 10 minutes ago?”

Me: “…okay. Here’s the deal. I want you to think about my reason for calling, and then think about the question you just asked me. Hopefully you can come up with the answer on your own.”

Tech Support: “Uh, duh. Check your email. We send all our updates through that.”

Me: “And how, pray-tell, am I supposed to check my email, when I do not have functioning internet to do so? Also, why on earth would you send out an email to people after their internet is down, to inform them that their internet is down, and the reasons why said internet is down, when they can’t actually access that email, because the internet is down?!”

Tech Support: “…it made sense at the time.”

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Doing Right(click) By The Aged

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Right | August 12, 2013

(I work for a company that produces a word processing software, which I am supporting.)

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. Can I have your case number?”

(The customer provides the information. Just by the voice, I know the customer is an older lady. Usually, this means a 45+ minutes call, just because of the technology challenges.)

Me: “Could you right-click on the start button?”

Customer: “Okay, I have programs, documents, settings—”

Me: “That’s left-clicking. Could you please right-click on the start button?”

Customer: “Okay, but I still get programs, documents, settings.”

Me: “Could you describe to me, visually and step by step, what you are doing?”

Customer: “I’m putting the mouse cursor over the right part of the word ‘start’, and I click.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I was not clear. Is it possible for you to click using the right mouse button?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Okay, please pick up your mouse by the wire, and hold it up in the air.”

Customer: “I feel stupid.”

Me: “No, ma’am, you’re not. We’re all starting from different points. I’m a geek, so it’s normal if I’m a bit ahead of the curve, as far as this stuff goes. I just need to make sure that we’re on a level field, here.”

Customer: “Okay, it’s in the air.”

Me: “Great! Between your wire and your palm-resting are—”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Okay, put it flat again, and put your hand on your mouse, as if to use it.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it, the place where my palm is resting.”

Me: “Exactly. Pick it up again. Between the wire and the palm-resting area, there is an area that is divided vertically. How many sections are there?”

Customer: “Two”

Me: “Great! Ma’am, I would like to formally introduce you to your left mouse button and your right mouse button. So when I ask you to right-click—”

Customer: “You want me to use the right mouse button!”

Me: “You’re a smart one!”

(It turns out that the older lady is 96 years old. She was doing her shuffleboard association’s newsletter, and her software had become thoroughly corrupted and needed to be reinstalled. We spend over an hour and a half. This lady had seen the advent of movies, TV, color TV, had seen the Model T, saw the first planes, radio and all. When I will be 96 years old, I just hope I am as technologically savvy as she is!)

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