I am troubleshooting a mouse that won’t work. It’s a standard mouse before the optical days, so these things are just meant to work.

Me: “Well, I’m stumped. The operating system wants it to work, but it just doesn’t.”

Caller: “But I even see the pointer jiggle a pixel or two. It must be connected!”

Me: “I can only conclude that the mouse is defective. You might have to buy a new one.”

Caller: “Are you joking?! I just bought this; I haven’t even removed the shrink wrap!”

Problem solved!

Related:
By Doing Nothing, The Problem Has Resolved Itself

Client: “Can you help me? I have a problem with my computer.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the problem?”

Client: “I need this section of bullet points to be above this section.”

Me: “Did you try moving it?”

I highlight the section and then click and drag it above the other section.

Client: “Oh, my God, thank you! I hate this computer.”

I work in tech support. I’m still in training, so when weird stuff happens, I get waved over as a learning opportunity.

A really upset user called in saying that his program wasn’t loading. As soon as my trainer took the call and heard the guy’s voice, he waved me over to listen in.

Caller: “There’s a line of people waiting, and this program isn’t open! I need someone down here to open this program right now!”

Coworker: “Okay, we can help, but can I first get the code for your comput—”

Caller: “It’s a whole line of people! Do you understand that?!”

Coworker: “I understand, but to help, I’ll need your computer number so I can connec—”

Caller: “You’re not coming down here?! You heard me say I have a line of people, and I can’t help them until you help me!”

Coworker: “Com. Pu. Ter. Num. Ber.”

Caller: “[Number].”

The guy kept going on, but my coworker didn’t say anything else. He just connected to the guy’s machine and double-clicked the icon, and we watched the program he needed load right up like normal. Finally, the guy stopped ranting. [Coworker] hung up without waiting for the guy to say anything.

He said these are the kind of calls I’ll have to get used to — the users’ number one solution is always for someone to come down to the floor and not to get tricked by that.

Decades ago, I was the IT purchasing person for one of the very largest law firms in the US. We had offices across the USA and in England, and a couple in Asia, as well. I had to arrange for all their IT equipment. This was in the days when law firms were just starting to put a computer on everyone’s desk, and everything was done on Word Perfect under DOS.

A couple of days before Christmas, I got a call from the office manager in the London office. Their laser printer needed a new toner cart, and they were out. They had a HUGE (multi-billion-dollar) acquisition deal going down and needed to get it fixed.

Me: “Who usually replaces them?”

Office Manager: “We have a deal with a local guy who comes and installs them when needed.”

This guy charged GBP350 for the toner cart and another 100 and change for “installation,” roughly a thousand US dollars, which was totally outrageous for a single toner cart.

Office Manager: “He has already left for his holiday, and we can’t find anyone else as things are already shutting down for the holiday. No one here has a clue how to install a toner cart.”

Long story short, the only alternative was for someone to fly to London with a toner cart and install it. We tried to find someone at the NYC office, but none of the techs had a passport.

I decided that if that’s what they wanted, I’d do it. I wasn’t the tech, but I could certainly hum the tune and dance the steps, so I grabbed a couple of toner carts (after verifying the model). I met a jet at Hollywood Burbank Airport and flew to London (eleven hours later).

I got picked up and delivered to the office, made a point of showing the staff how to install the cart, left them a spare, and I was done.

Except… I was stuck in London… on Christmas weekend. And not just Christmas but Boxing Day, as well. There were no flights back to the land of free; they were all booked up.

I called the IT director and explained that I would be delayed.

IT Director: “No problem. Just get a hotel and stay available for any issues that may come up.”

I spent three days in a five-star hotel with room service. I had to buy some personal items, which went on the company. The flight back home? The first seat I could get was in first-class.

All in all, the toner carts that I would buy for maybe $45 each cost the firm well over $150,000 — those jet flights aren’t cheap. Considering the client paid for it, no problem. The firm billed in excess of $10 million for the work — mine, and of course, the lawyers’.

When I got home, I was on vacation anyway since it was between Christmas and New Year’s.

Not all tech support issues are horrible, just most of them!

I did IT consulting back in the early 2000s. I am out at a law firm that has a bunch of older women for secretaries. Their scanner/copier/fax machine is completely down. The toner has somehow exploded on the inside and coated every last internal piece; they have no idea how, no one will cop to it, and that’s how it is when we get the call.

I am NOT the copier guy, and they have a contractor to call when that stuff explodes, but they instead call me to drive out there to CALL SOMEONE ELSE to come fix it. They will not let us call from our office — oh, gods, no — we have to drive twenty miles to their downtown office to CALL the number on the front is in big bold letters that says:

Sign: “CALL US FIRST IF THERE IS A PROBLEM: 1-888-DON’T-BE-EFFING-DUMB.”

I take out the toner and do some spot cleaning just to be nice. The scanner/copier/fax machine is wide open, all the doors on it are open, and the toner cartridge is sitting next to it. This unit is like four and a half feet tall, so it’s hard to miss when it’s broken.

One of the ladies walks up and pushes the filthy cartridge over. It hits the floor and goes “poof”. There is ink everywhere.

She then closes the doors to the machine and tries to scan a document. The unit is off with no power so, of course, she yells at me.

Worker #1: “WHY CAN’T I SCAN?! I NEED TO SCAN! HURRY UP AND FIX THIS!”

Me: “This machine is obviously down. The company that you have a contract with is coming out to resolve the issue.”

She storms off and yells very loudly at the boss that I am incompetent. Sigh, fine. Mind you, the office manager sent out a companywide email thirty minutes ago saying that the unit will be down for the next day or two.

I then grab a white sheet of legal paper and write on it in giant Sharpie letters.

New Sign: “UNIT IS NON-FUNCTIONAL. USE UNIT ACROSS THE HALL.”

I then go grab the broken parts and put them in the trash. I come back two minutes later.

Another lady has taken the paper note that I wrote, crumpled it up, tossed it aside, and is trying to scan.

She looks at me covered in toner, then at the walls covered in toner from the previous worker knocking it over, and then at the unit covered in toner with the doors wide open.

Worker #2: “Is the scanner not working?”

If I had any humanity left in me, it would have died right at that moment.