I work in internal IT for a retail company. A friend used to work in the same department, but she and her husband relocated. At the time, we didn’t have remote options for tech, so she transferred to work in one of the stores.

In the middle of her first week, I got a direct message from her.

Friend: “[My Name]!”

Me: “How’s [New Store]?”

Friend: “Security violations everywhere!”

Me: “Oh?”

Friend: “The store manager has her username and password written on a sticky note on her monitor. I asked her why, and she said it’s so if someone needs her computer when she’s not here, they can get on. Apparently, she’s told all the managers to do that, too.”

I sent a face-palm emoji.

Friend: “She’s also got the safe code written on another sticky on her monitor. And I’m pretty sure I saw the door codes on another one.”

I sent a string of facepalm emojis.

Friend: “And one of the shared laptops had its BitLocker key taped to the lid.”

Me: “What? Who would do that?! [Onsite Support] should know better!”

Friend: “Pretty sure it was one of the customer service people who thought she was helping because this device keeps asking for it. I already checked, and [Onsite Support] is going to be reimaging the device, but they had to go help with [Other Store].”

Me: “I know I always tell people they cannot write it down. But I also know people don’t listen. I just really hope it wasn’t one of our people who told her that was okay.”

Friend: “I don’t think it was because of that. Based on some conversations I’ve had with her, she’s really nice, but she doesn’t understand technological security at all. She also has her password written down and hands it out to any employee who asks.”

Me: “Oof.”

Friend: “I will whip this place into shape!”

She ended up going to another job a few months later, but by the time she left, the store understood: A) you do not, under any circumstances, give out your password, B) for something that might need to be documented somewhere (like a safe combination or door code), you don’t put it on a sticky on your monitor, and C) you never attach a BitLocker key to the computer it’s used for, especially when said computer sits on a counter where anyone could potentially snatch it without being immediately noticed.

Caller: “The Wi-Fi in my iPhone doesn’t work!”

Me: “Where are you having issues with it?”

Caller: “It works fine in the house, but when I went to the park, it stopped working.”

Me: “That’s not how Wi-Fi works. You need to be close to your router.”

I tried to explain but to no avail. Frustrated, I tried to make him an appointment to the Apple Store so someone there could explain it to him in person.

Caller: “I already went to one, and the Wi-Fi worked fine in the store, but the moment I left the store, the Wi-Fi stopped working!”

After half an hour of trying to explain, I ended up escalating to tier two… 

Related:
Another Case Of Wifitis, Part 2
Another Case Of Wifitis

Me: “The problem appears to be your anti-spam.”

Client: “I don’t have one of those.”

Me: “I’m certain you do.”

Client: “No, I have an Auntie Lorraine.”

I do tech support for a cell phone provider.

Caller: “My iPhone screen is stuck on the Apple logo!”

I go through the usual steps of trying to get him to get it restarted, but no matter what we try, he says he’s just seeing the Apple logo.

Me: “I honestly have never seen this issue before. Can you tell me the model number? I’ll try to see if I can troubleshoot further.”

Caller: “How do I find the model number?”

Me: “It should be on the back. It’s part of the small text at the bottom of the phone.”

Caller: “There’s nothing on the back; it’s just some black glass.”

Me: “Wait… there’s what on the back?”

Caller: “Just some black glass.”

Yes. After twenty minutes, I realized that he had been looking at the back of his phone this whole time. I have no idea who thought it was a good idea to get this man a smartphone. 

Related:
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 50
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 49
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 48
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 47
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 46

An elderly couple calls our banking website helpline.

Caller: “We’re having some issues with our online banking.”

I start to go through verifying them to help them directly when they cut me off with one statement.

Caller: “Satan is in [Bank].”

Me: “Pardon?”

I’m at a total loss as to what they mean, but they’re speaking with such convincing tones, like they truly believe the devil is occupying our software.

We have some back-and-forth questions, and their frustration grows as they hiss out increasingly confusing things like:

Caller: “We’ve seen the mark of the beast on your website! Satan is here!“

Me: “Can you please describe what you’re seeing?”

This couple was down in Florida, and by then, I’d started to hedge my questions around some contextual clues, like, “Does anyone else use this computer to look things up?”

It turned out that they were using our search bar, but every time they went to click on it to search for something, these phrases were dropping down as suggested search items.

The couple had no idea what it meant to clear their cookies or cache, but by the time we got to that point in the conversation, they were too frustrated to listen to my directions. The best I could do was pass it along to my supervisors at their request so a “God-fearing soul could cleanse things and put it all to rights.”

As far as my coworkers and I could guess, it seemed like maybe a mischievous grandchild had been down to visit and decided to f*** with their grandparents’ heads.