Caller: “I’m calling about my laptop; it was stolen.”

Me: “I would advise you to call the police and file a police report. Then we can assist in recovering it.”

Caller: “I don’t want to involve the police. It was my girlfriend that stole it, and I just want you to turn it off.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t understand. How would we turn it off?”

Caller: “You guys should just be able to turn it off, right? I’m pretty sure if you turned it off that she’d let me have it back.”

I had to explain to her, in the most professional way possible, that as long as this person had access to an electrical outlet, they would be able to turn the laptop on. She seemed genuinely disappointed that we didn’t have some sort of satellite power controller for intervening in lovers’ spats.

I work in tech support for a telecom that has Internet, phone, and TV.

Caller: *Furious* “Why don’t I have an Internet connection?!”

Me: “It could be a number of reasons, ma’am. Is it a wired or wireless connection?”

Caller: “Well, I guess it’s wireless now.”

Me: “What do you mean ‘now’?”

Caller: “I got tired of all the devices and cables on my desk! I packed everything up and put it in a closet. It looks so much cleaner now with just the monitor.”

Me: “I see… Well, when you turn on the monitor now, what do you see?”

Caller: “It says, ‘No signal’. Why don’t I have Internet?!”

Customer: “If I buy a new computer, will all my data be on it when I get it in the mail?”

Me: *Politely* “No, sir. It will come with only the operating system installed.”

Customer: *Insistent* “But it should! It’s a ripoff if it doesn’t!”

Me: “Sir, expecting your personal data to be on a new, sealed computer would be like moving into a new house and expecting all your original furniture to just be there.”

Customer: “That’s different! This is a rip-off! Cancel my order!”

I did dial-up tech support in the early 2000s. I had a customer who could not get online due to error 680, which means “No dial tone”.

Me: “Okay, sir. The vast majority of the time, this error is due to something very simple like an unplugged modem or someone on another phone in the house. Could you please check for those things?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t be so stupid to have this be a simple problem like an unplugged modem!”

Me: “I understand, sir, but would you just check the cable on your modem for me, please?”

Customer: “No! It has to be something else. Try something else.”

We spent twenty minutes checking the grand total of maybe three other things that could cause that error.

Me: “Sir, you’re going to need to check your phone cord even if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Fine, I will crawl under my desk just so I can prove you wrong and show that it is your software causing this issue.”

There was a pause for a moment, and then the customer came back on the line.

Customer: *Sheepishly* “The cord wasn’t plugged in. Maybe my dog knocked it loose or something.”

Of course, it worked fine after this. Gotta love people who call customer service and then complain about being helped.

I’m working in a tech support call center. Answering the telephone as usual, I identify myself and ask how I can assist the customer.

Customer: “My cable TV isn’t working.”

As usual, I ask the customer to tell me about the lights on his modem.

Customer: “Okay, hold on while I find a flashlight. The power is out here.”

There is really no tactful way to explain to an adult man that his television needs electricity to operate.