A Brain Is A Power-Ful Thing To Waste, Part 2

| Den Bosch, The Netherlands | Working | May 15, 2013

Client: “I am unable to print reports.”

Me: “Well, I’ll login remotely and check your system…”

(I login, open the program, select a random report and proceed to select “Print.”)

Me: “Is the report being printed?”

Client: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Good. Well, there doesn’t seem to be a problem with your system. Anything else I can help you with?”

Client: “Yes, I still can’t print reports.”

Me: “…Do you need me to show you how to print a report?”

Client: “No, I can’t print a report because the screen is black.”

Me: “Hmm. Is there a green light burning on the power button?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Press the power button, please.”

Client: “Now it works again. Why didn’t you tell me to do that straight away?”

Me: “…”

A Brain Is A Power-Ful Thing To Waste

IT Killed The Radio Star

| Alberta, Canada | Working | May 14, 2013

(I work at a radio station. As such, I’ve discovered that the average IT certification doesn’t cover some of the specialized software we use in broadcasting. However, company protocol dictates I call tech support whenever a computer problem arises, which leads to frequent exchanges like this.)

Me: “Yeah, [computer program] is acting up. Could you dial in and…”

(I explain how to fix the problem.)

IT: “Hold on there; don’t get ahead of yourself.  I’m the IT professional and I’ll figure out how to fix it.”

Me: “Could you just assign the problem to [senior IT person]?  I usually deal with him and he knows how to fix it.”

IT: “Sir, I’ll have you know I’m well versed in most of the popular office software today.  I’m certain I can fix your problem.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay.”

IT: “Now, what’s the name of the computer program that’s giving you trouble?”

Me: *says name of program*

IT: “Huh. I’ve never heard of that program before. What does it do?”

Me: “It plays all of our music, commercials, and pretty much everything you hear on the air on a radio station.”

IT: “Wait. Are you telling me that if I start working with this program, I could knock you off the air?”

Me: “Yup.”

IT: “Um, well, I…”

Me: “In fact, we’ve been off the air for about 10 minutes now, so it’s a bit of an emergency.”

IT: “Uh, who did you say usually looks after this?”

Me: “[Senior IT person].”

IT: “Let me get him for you…”

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A Punchy Solution

| Ireland | Right | April 25, 2013

Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi! I just received my new computer, and the button on the CD tray doesn’t work properly.”

Me: “Okay, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I press the button, and the tray opens. I put the CD in, but when I press the button to close the tray, nothing happens.”

Me: “Okay, so the tray is open now?”

Customer: “No, it’s closed now.”

Me: “How did you close it?”

Customer: “Oh, I just gave it a punch!”

Me: “Okay…”

Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7

| CA, USA | Right | April 23, 2013

Coworker: “Hey, my start bar is going crazy, and my keyboard won’t respond.”

Me: “Pick up your cell phone.”

Coworker: “That worked! Was the radiation interfering with the computer?”

Me: “No, it was sitting on your space bar.”

Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

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The Number One Problem With Laptops

| MA, USA | Right | April 23, 2013

(A customer drops off a laptop for repair. I set up the unit and test for common software and settings issues with no results. I turn the computer over, remove the bottom panel and immediately notice liquid and dried residue around the battery and main-board. A few seconds later a very strong smell of urine hits in waves and fills the tech. I call the customer to inform her of the findings.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. I’ve taken a look at your computer, and we have found liquid inside the computer.”

Customer: “Yes, I know.”

Me: “Umm… the liquid appears to be biological in origin. Urine.”

Customer: “Yes, I know.”

Me: “…unfortunately, we are prohibited from working on computers that have a biological hazard in them. So I will have your computer available for pickup this afternoon.”

Customer: “So, when will it be fixed?”

Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience, but we are unable to work on computers with this type of issue due to health regulations.”

Customer: “This is why I didn’t tell you guys that it got p***** on! F*** you! I’m going to talk to your manager and get you fired!”

(Two days later, my manager informed me that the customer had yelled at him when she picked up the computer. She then called home office to try to get us in trouble for discriminating against her when he wouldn’t order me to fix the computer.)

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