The Customer Is Always Right-Click

| USA | Right | November 29, 2013

(A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

(I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

(Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

User: “Of course, look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

User: “What is it!?”

Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

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He Must Be A Theorist

| USA | Right | November 25, 2013

(I support the scientists in a large research building. I get a call from one of them.)

Caller: “I need help removing my extended absence greeting from my voice mail.”

Me: “Okay, to do that you need to login to your voicemail and select option 4.”

Caller: “How do you do that?”

Me: “You press 4.”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that. Can I get an onsite visit?”

Me: “We can’t generate an onsite visit for this issue; however, if you go to our intranet site there is a chart with all the menu options.”

Caller: “That’s too complicated.”

Me: “…you’re a scientist with several Ph.D.’s.”

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Rage Against The Machine

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Right | November 21, 2013

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. May I please get the phone number associated with the account you are calling about?”

Caller: *enters phone number without saying anything*

Me: “…I’m sorry; I need you to tell me the phone number, please.”

Caller: *again enters the phone number without saying anything*

Me: “…Hello. This is a live person, not the automated system. I need you to actually tell me the phone number, not enter it on the phone, please.”

Caller: *to someone in the background* “It’s not working! Just hang up and we’ll try again.”

Me: “Hello. I can hear you. I’m a live person, if you—”

Caller: *click*

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Doesn’t Look After His Property

| Houston, TX, USA | Right | November 16, 2013

(I take tech support calls for computer-aided design software. I get a call from a customer who is having issues remembering a certain command prompt for his software.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company Name]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering one of my tool commands.”

Me: “Okay, sir, do you know what the command does? Maybe I can help you figure out which command you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Yeah! I can click on a line or shape and it’ll give me the properties of that thing. What’s that command called? It’s like ‘help’ or ‘information’ or something like that.”

Me: “The ‘properties’ command, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah! The one that gives me the properties of something! I want that. What’s it called?”

Me: “Sir, it’s called ‘properties.'”

Customer: “Yeah, the one that gives me the properties! It’s called ‘help,’ I think.”

Me: “Sir, to find the properties of an item in your model, you will use the ‘properties’ command.”

(I tell him how to start the command. Afterwards, there’s a long pause on the other end of the line, when suddenly the customer shouts.)

Customer: “OH! It’s called ‘properties!’ Got it! Thanks, bye!”

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Forget The Haters ‘Cause Somebody Loves Ya

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Working | November 16, 2013

(While walking back to my office, one of my users stops me and asks for help with his computer.)

Me: “What can I help you with, [Name]?”

User: “Well, I’m trying to watch this video online, and it’s not loading past the first couple of minutes.”

(I take a look at the screen, and notice that he’s trying to watch a Miley Cyrus video.)

Me: “Dude, really? Miley Cyrus?”

User: “But it’s a catchy tune!”

Me: “The plague was also catchy and look at how that ended.”

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