Who Wants To Call Out The Answer

| Poole, UK | Right | August 28, 2012

(A customer calls to inquire about location services/maps on his smartphone.)

Customer: “So, how do I get it to tell me where to go?”

Me: “Well, it’s Google Maps, so it’ll show your location, but it won’t give your step-by-step instructions as you drive or walk.

Customer: “So, what, you’re saying there’s no satellite navigation on the phone?”

Me: “No, sorry!”

Customer: “Then what’s the point of a phone?!”

A Knack For Detecting PEBCAK

| Chattanooga, TN, USA | Working | August 10, 2012

(I get a ticket that states that a user is not able to access their email. This particular employee works out on a factory floor, so they access their email via a webpage as opposed to email software like Outlook. I decide to call and see if we can figure it out quickly.)

Me: “Hi, this is [name] from the Help Desk. I have a ticket here that says you aren’t able to access your email.”

Employee: “That’s right. I’ve tried a hundred times, and it keeps saying that my ID or password is incorrect.”

Me: “Is the Caps Lock on?”

Employee: “Seriously? I’m not stupid. That’s typical of you IT-people. Always assuming us normal employees are stupid!”

Me: “I am not saying anything about your intellectual level. I am just going through the normal troubleshooting steps as I do with everyone. Let me remote into the machine so I can see what you are seeing.”

(Upon accessing the PC, the user is at a log-in screen with a username typed in and the password field blank.)

Me: “Okay, go ahead and try now.”

(I watch as the employee clicks “OK” without entering a password.)

Employee: “See? It didn’t work!”

Me: “You didn’t enter your password.”

Employee: “How was I supposed to know that I had to enter a password?”

Me: “The fact that there is a password box and you were getting an error message telling you that you password was wrong?”

Employee: “Smart***!” *hangs up*

Don’t Roger That

| Phone Call | Working | August 3, 2012

Agent: “Thank you for calling [company] tech support. May I have your first and last name?”

Me: *gives name*

Agent: “Can you spell the first name?”

Me: “G as in George, R as in Robert—”

Agent: “Thank you, Mr. Robert. Is it okay if I call you George?”

The Ultimate Relativity Machine

| Tel-Aviv, Israel | Working | July 24, 2012

(Note: A telemarketer is trying to get me to switch internet providers.)

Telemarketer: “…Yes, sir, but our internet’s speed is far higher.”

Me: “Your speed is 10 Mbps.”

Telemarketer: “10 Mbps, but it isn’t the same 10 Mbps of [competitor]!”

Me: “10 Mbps is 10 Mbps. Let’s say I’m in my car, and I drive at 100 km/h. My brother is in his own car, also driving at 100 km/h, and you’re telling me it’s not the same speed?”

Telemarketer: “But, um… let’s say you have an… I don’t know, um… a Toyota… and he has a BMW.”

Me: “Right, I have a Toyota, and he has a BMW, we both are driving at 100 km/h. Isn’t that the same 100 km/h?”

Telemarketer: “But who will arrive home faster?”

Me: “I promise you that if we both travel at 100 km/h, we’ll arrive at exactly the same time.”

Telemarketer: “I’m sure you would not!”

Me: “What? How are you sure we won’t?”

Telemarketer: “Won’t the BMW arrive before the Toyota?”

Me: “Not if we both travel at 100 km/h!”

Telemarketer: “Isn’t the BMW’s speed higher than the Toyota’s because the vehicle is better?”

Me: “Speed? The speed is 100 km/h. 100 km/h is 100 km/h.”

Telemarketer: “I give up. Just contact us when you get your math straight!”

At Least He’s Never Late To A Party

| Groningen, Netherlands | Working | July 13, 2012

(At our call center, our boss is often late, and also has a habit of calling his own phone instead of directly calling whoever he’s trying to reach. It’s a very busy day and our boss finally comes in, albeit two hours late.)

Boss: “Why didn’t any of you take the time to pick up my phone?”

Me: “Because the phones were red hot.”

Boss: “That is no excuse for you to not pick up that phone! When I call, I expect someone to pick it up. I was late, and I needed someone to verify that I was coming in!”

Me: “May I ask why you did not call the floor manager for that? They can make a note and make sure the others have a heads up in time.”

Boss: “Because I am hungover from the party! I was up until 6 in the morning, and didn’t feel like talking to those idiots! You better pick up next time. Otherwise, you can look for a different job!”

(20 minutes later, one of the managers comes in and grills my boss.)

Manager: *to my Boss* “Where were you? Why were you late?”

Boss: “I was still in bed and overslept. Why do you care?!”

Manager: “The head of our company came in this morning and wanted to talk to you about your recent amounts of being late. He isn’t happy at all.”

Boss: “Oh, crap.”

(Never saw him again after that.)

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