And The Nerds Shall Uninstall The Earth

| Wisconsin, USA | Technology

(I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

Customer: “…Should?”

Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”

Related:
And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

FYI Your ETA Is TBA, So TTYL

| AZ, USA | Crazy Requests, Time

(I am dealing with a pushy customer; he’s submitted a trouble ticket but called in less than two minutes asking for an update.)

Me: “Sir, I am unable to give an ETA at this time. I am still looking into this issue.”

Customer: “So, you cannot give me an ETA?”

Me: “No, I am unable to give an ETA at this time.”

Customer: “When can I get an ETA?”

Me: “Sir, are you asking for an ETA on the ETA?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I will let you know when there are any further updates…”

Dumbed Down

| Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

(Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”

Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”

(Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)

Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”

Me: *turns computer up the right way*

(The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)