Open Says-A-Me

| San Diego, CA, USA | Technology

(I remote into computers so I can fix our company’s software. I only fix our company’s software, not general computer problems.)

Me: “Ma’am, it looks like I’m having problems saving this file in your Windows directory. I’m going to need administrative rights. Can you log in as an administrator?”

Customer: “Okay, you have my permission.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You have my permission. I give you rights!”

Me: “No, I mean, I need access to an administrative account.”

Customer: “You have permission! I told you!”

Me: “Uhh…sorry, ma’am, I don’t have your password. I need you to actually log off of this account and log in as someone else with administrative rights.”

Customer: “Ooohhh…”

Thick(headed) As Thieves, Part 2

| UK | Criminal & Illegal, Technology, Top

(Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

Customer: “I want a discount!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

(The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

Customer: “No, it’s not!”

(This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

(I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)

Related:
Thick(headed) As Thieves

Not A Fan Of Poly-gab-at-me

| Utah, USA | Bigotry, Religion

(I’m finishing up a tech support call. The conversation has been normal up until this point.)

Customer: “Can I ask where you’re located? You’re not in India, are you?”

Me: “No, we are not in India. We are located in Utah.”

Customer: “Utah, huh? Can I ask you a personal question?”

Me: “Well, I generally avoid discussing personal matters with people I don’t know.”

Customer: “Okay, well, are you Mormon?”

Me: “I am.”

Customer: “How many wives do you have?”

Me: “None.”

Customer: “Okay, okay…but how many are you going to have?”

Me: “One.”

Customer: “Oh, come on, you’re Mormon! Shouldn’t you have like twenty?”

Me: “Sir, it is a common misconception that Mormons have more than one wife, but we don’t. Is there any other technical issue I can help you with?”

Customer: “I would become Mormon just so I could have a bunch of wives.”

(In the background, I hear a woman yelling at the man I’m speaking with.)

Customer: “Shut up, woman! I’m on the phone!”

Me: “It doesn’t sound like you can handle the wife you already have. Why would you want more?”

Customer: “Well, I wouldn’t want to talk to them!”