Internet Disaster Preparedness

, | England, UK | Technology

(Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re open 24 hours, so even if its one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f***ing technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre wont be able to resolve my fault.”

Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

This Domain Is Not In Your Dominion

| Boston, MA, USA | Technology

(The company I work for is in the business of hosting websites. I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble logging into his control panel.)

Customer: “I can’t login to my website.”

Me: “What’s your domain name?”

Customer: “[username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “That sounds like an email address to me, not a domain.”

Customer: “That’s my dominion.”

Me: “Your domain name should be something like www.[sitename].com.”

Customer: “Right, it’s [username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a domain name.”

Customer: “Yes, that’s my dominion!”

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Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Duh

But The Energizer Bunny Never Dies

| Burlington, VT, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

(I have been troubleshooting this customer’s cable for a while now. Finally, after getting his TV on the proper input, this happens.)

Me: “Sir, does the little red light on the remote blink when you press a button on the remote?”

Customer: “Err…no?”

Me: “Okay, sir, that means the batteries in the remote are dead.”

Customer: “What? That’s terrible! They can die?”

Data Sent Packeting

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”

Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

(I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”

Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”

Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”

(I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)

Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”

Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”

Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”

Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”

Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.”

How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2

| Amherst, MA, USA | Top

(The following written exchange takes place in a log book where users report problems with computers.)

User: “The mouse pointer on computer five doesn’t work. Please fix it.”

Me: “Hello [user]. I was unable to reproduce the problem. The mouse on computer five is working fine.”

User: “Are you insane? The pointer hardly budges when you move the mouse. Fix it, nerd.”

Me: “Sorry but I’m still unable to find any problems with the mouse on PC 5. I cleaned it as a precaution.”

User: “This is stupid. That mouse still doesn’t work! I’ve come here three times and I can’t use the stupid computer. I can’t believe they pay idiots like you to work here. Get a new mouse!”

Me: “Hi. I still can’t find any problems, but I replaced the mouse on computer 5 just for you. Try it now.”

User: “It’s still not working, but forget it. I’m meeting a professor here tomorrow to look at the mouse. I want him to read this and see what kind of idiot is working here.”

Professor: “The problem with Computer 5 is resolved. The user was picking up the mouse and aiming it at the screen. I showed him how to use the mouse pad. Keep up the good work!”

Related:
How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

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