Insulated From Logic

| NH, USA | Technology

(A customer has called our support line because his computer won’t turn on. After 30 minutes of basic troubleshooting I recommend he either bring his machine to us or have a tech dispatched for an on site repair. He chooses to have a tech dispatched. As I am finishing the call…)

Customer: “Oh, one last question. Can the tech work on my computer around the cooler, or do I have to remove it before he gets here?”

Me: “We generally advise that you don’t do anything like that yourself, since you would be voiding your warranty. If anything needs to be removed from the computer the tech will do it himself.”

Customer: “I know that. I was asking if I should remove the computer from the cooler.”

Me: “Remove the computer?”

Customer: “Yeah. Should I take it out of the cooler?”

Me: “Your computer is in a cooler? Like, the kind of cooler you take to a beach to keep your drinks cold? That kind of cooler?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “Why is your computer in a cooler, sir?”

Customer: “A few days ago I read that heat can be really bad for a computer. My living room gets really hot in the afternoon, so I put the computer in a cooler to protect it from the heat.”

Me: “Sir, you know that coolers are insulated, right?”

Customer: “I’m not stupid. I know what a cooler is.”

Me: “And you know that computers produce heat, right?”

Customer: “Like I said, I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Then you know what happens when you put something that produces heat inside of an insulated container, right?”

Customer: “I, uh, oh…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “This is going to be expensive, isn’t it?”

And The Nerds Shall Uninstall The Earth

| Wisconsin, USA | Technology

(I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

Customer: “…Should?”

Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”

Related:
And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

FYI Your ETA Is TBA, So TTYL

| AZ, USA | Crazy Requests, Time

(I am dealing with a pushy customer; he’s submitted a trouble ticket but called in less than two minutes asking for an update.)

Me: “Sir, I am unable to give an ETA at this time. I am still looking into this issue.”

Customer: “So, you cannot give me an ETA?”

Me: “No, I am unable to give an ETA at this time.”

Customer: “When can I get an ETA?”

Me: “Sir, are you asking for an ETA on the ETA?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I will let you know when there are any further updates…”