But The Energizer Bunny Never Dies

| Burlington, VT, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

(I have been troubleshooting this customer’s cable for a while now. Finally, after getting his TV on the proper input, this happens.)

Me: “Sir, does the little red light on the remote blink when you press a button on the remote?”

Customer: “Err…no?”

Me: “Okay, sir, that means the batteries in the remote are dead.”

Customer: “What? That’s terrible! They can die?”

Data Sent Packeting

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”

Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

(I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”

Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”

Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”

(I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)

Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”

Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”

Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”

Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”

Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.”

How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2

| Amherst, MA, USA | Top

(The following written exchange takes place in a log book where users report problems with computers.)

User: “The mouse pointer on computer five doesn’t work. Please fix it.”

Me: “Hello [user]. I was unable to reproduce the problem. The mouse on computer five is working fine.”

User: “Are you insane? The pointer hardly budges when you move the mouse. Fix it, nerd.”

Me: “Sorry but I’m still unable to find any problems with the mouse on PC 5. I cleaned it as a precaution.”

User: “This is stupid. That mouse still doesn’t work! I’ve come here three times and I can’t use the stupid computer. I can’t believe they pay idiots like you to work here. Get a new mouse!”

Me: “Hi. I still can’t find any problems, but I replaced the mouse on computer 5 just for you. Try it now.”

User: “It’s still not working, but forget it. I’m meeting a professor here tomorrow to look at the mouse. I want him to read this and see what kind of idiot is working here.”

Professor: “The problem with Computer 5 is resolved. The user was picking up the mouse and aiming it at the screen. I showed him how to use the mouse pad. Keep up the good work!”

Related:
How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 3

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I think someone stole my identity!”

Me: “What happened?”

Caller: “I clicked on an email that said it from a girl named Chrisy from some dating site. I don’t go on those kinds of sites. But it came to me, so I’m not sure if this is a virus.”

Me: “Spammers can fake the recipient info. They can make it look like it’s coming from and going to anyone. Don’t worry.”

Caller: “But it says my name.”

Me: “Well, it’s a fairly common name. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

Caller: “I guess. So, did I download a virus?”

Me: “Not likely, unless you clicked to the linked website or you opened an attachment. Did you do that?”

Caller: “No! I don’t do that! Can you come over and run my anti-virus checker just in case?”

Me: “I can connect remotely and run it, yes.”

Caller: “Thanks. I can never be too careful with these invisible Russian thugs.”

Related:
One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2
One Annoyed Paranoid

Re-Ink Needs A Rethink, Part 2

| Sao Paulo, Brazil | Uncategorized

(My phone rings a couple of hours after regular business hours. As I answer, an agitated customer is on the line.)

Customer: “Help! I have to print an invoice report to deliver today. It says here that the printer cannot be found!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Can you tell me the printer’s network ID?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s [printer ID]. Can you get it to work quickly?”

(I proceed to check the printer software on the main server. I find some problems. I quickly fix them and get back to the customer.)

Me: “Sir, I found a small problem on the printer software and fixed it. I need you to turn off the printer and turn it back on again, to synchronize it.”

Customer: “What? I can’t!”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean you can’t?”

Customer: “I can’t turn it off and back on! The printer is in my boss’s office. He already left for the day! The door is locked!”

Me: “Does anyone there have the key to open the office?”

Customer: “No! I’m alone in the building! What should I do?”

Me: “Wait. Let me see if I get it: you can’t go to the printer because it is inside a locked room, and you need to print a report to deliver it today?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How were you planning to get the printed report from the printer, anyway?”

*long pause*

Customer: “Never mind. I’ll print it tomorrow.”

*click*

Related:
Re-Ink Needs A Rethink

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