Log On To The Clueless Wide Web

| Utah, USA | Technology

Caller: “My Outlook isn’t working anymore. When I put my password in, it doesn’t log me in.”

Me: “Are you able to access your email using web-access for our email system?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

(This is forgivable. Oftentimes, professors don’t know that they can access their work email using a website as well.)

Me: “Okay, well, if you just go to [site.domain.edu] and enter your credentials–”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s the URL of the web access client. Just open your internet browser and type it in–”

Caller: “What’s an internet browser?”

Me: “It’s the program you use to access the internet.”

Caller: “What’s the internet?”

Me: *speechless*

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Dumb&Dumberest

| Alabama, USA | Technology

(I work at an IT helpdesk that supports store managers. A manager calls in about problems with their telephone system.)

Me: “Can you tell me what model equipment are you guys are using?”

Customer: “I don’t know what kind it is.”

Me: “Can you read me what the label says on unit?”

Customer: “It says A…T…something in Chinese…and another T.”

Me: “Chinese?”

Customer: “I’m gonna unplug it.”

Me: “No, wait. Don’t–” *call disconnects*

(Since he disconnected his entire telephone system, we couldn’t contact the store and had to drive down to talk to them personally. We ended up having to hire a 3rd party tech to go out and plug that device back in and reconfigure the entire system. Apparently, they don’t have the ampersand in Alabama.)

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Useless By Proxy

| Detroit, MI, USA | Technology

(A customer calls for a replacement MP3 player due to a manufacturer defect.)

Me: “I’d be happy to set up a replacement for you. May I have the email address that the device is registered to?”

Customer: “It’s my boyfriend’s. I don’t know the email address.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with the MP3 player?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It just needs to be replaced.”

Me: “Sure. What address do you want it shipped to?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Would you like to have your boyfriend give us a call when he is ready to set up the replacement?”

Customer: “Oh, no. He doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

He Who Giveth

| UK | Technology, Top

(I work as a security manager and share an office with the tech support teams in a hospital. One day, the client walks into the office.)

Client: “My windows login says it’s disabled.”

IT Support member: “Yes, I disabled it because when I came to service your printer last night, I noticed your password was written down next to your keyboard.”

Client: “I write it down because I always forget it.”

IT Support member: “I disabled it because you are not supposed to do that.”

Client: “Well, can I have a new password and my account enabled?”

Me: “I hope you are not going to write it down again. It’s a serious offence, especially given you have access to patient details.”

Client: *angrily* “Well, I’m writing it down anyway. What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “We can disable your account permanently and recommend disciplinary action against you.”

Client: “Ha! Well, go ahead. I don’t care. You can’t do anything to me. I’ve been here for years and I retire in two years anyway, so there!”

(The next day, the same client comes back to my office.)

Client: “My computer is not in my office.”

Me: “That’s correct, it’s currently being rebuilt.”

Client: “When can I get it back?”

Me: “I’ve spoken to your manager. He said you can do your job without a computer for the next two years.”

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As Thick As Pea Soup

| Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was calling because I am having some troubles.”

Me: “And what troubles are you having?”

Customer: “I don’t know how much water goes into my soup.”

(I’m about to tell her she can’t call us for stuff like this, until I realize it would be so much easier to just help her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are there directions anywhere on the side?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hangs up*

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