Feeder Mice Not Included

| Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

Me: “Read the message to me please.”

Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

Not Your Only Loose Connection

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Technology

Me: “Thank you for choosing [company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet’s not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can help–”

Customer: “It’s your f***ing network!”

Me: “Okay, I can see your frustra–”

Customer: “[Company] is a piece of s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re both people and I’d respect it if you treat me like one.”

Customer: *sigh* “Fix it.”

Me: “Your ethernet cord is unplugged.”

(The customer notices this and plugs in ethernet cord.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Try Not To Catch A Code

| Claremont, NH, USA | Technology

Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

(About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”

Internet Disaster Preparedness

, | England, UK | Technology

(Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re open 24 hours, so even if its one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f***ing technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre wont be able to resolve my fault.”

Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

This Domain Is Not In Your Dominion

| Boston, MA, USA | Technology

(The company I work for is in the business of hosting websites. I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble logging into his control panel.)

Customer: “I can’t login to my website.”

Me: “What’s your domain name?”

Customer: “[username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “That sounds like an email address to me, not a domain.”

Customer: “That’s my dominion.”

Me: “Your domain name should be something like www.[sitename].com.”

Customer: “Right, it’s [username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a domain name.”

Customer: “Yes, that’s my dominion!”

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Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Duh

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