Disk Driving The Credit Crunch

| Elk Grove, CA, USA | Right | December 6, 2013

(I am a brand new phone tech support agent for a well known computer company that prides itself in ‘ease of use’. This is my first call. As such, I have a trainer double jacked with me to listen and help.)

Me: “Hello and thank you for calling Tech Support. My name is—”

Customer: “You a**-holes! Gimme back my credit card now!”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t understand what you mean.”

Customer: “You know exactly what I mean! You took my credit card and I want it back right f****** now!”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m still not exactly sure what you mean. How did we steal your credit card?”

Customer: “Your stupid f****** computer asked for my credit card and now it won’t give it back!”

Me: “Once again I do apologize, but I’m still not sure exactly how we took your credit card. What were you doing when we took it?”

Customer: “I was setting up the internet and you f****** took it!?”

Me: “Was someone helping you at the store and they took it while setting up the internet?”

Customer: “No, you god-d*** moron! I was setting it up at home and when it asked for my credit card info I put it into the credit card slot on the computer. Now this piece of s*** won’t give it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, our computers don’t come with credit card readers.”

Customer: “Of course it does! It has a slot right on the front for it.”

(At this point I realize the customer has put her card in the disk drive. After walking her through several steps I have to refer her to a service center to get the card removed.)

Me: “So, once again, I do apologize for the inconvenience this has caused. You will need to take your computer to one of our service centers so that one of our techs may remove your card.”

Customer: “I can’t f****** believe this! I’m reporting you and I’ll have you run out of business!”

(The customer hangs up. I turn to my trainer.)

Me: “Are all my calls gonna be that crazy?”

Trainer: “Only if you’re lucky.”

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The Customer Is Always Right-Click

| USA | Right | November 29, 2013

(A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

(I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

(Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

User: “Of course, look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

User: “What is it!?”

Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

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He Must Be A Theorist

| USA | Right | November 25, 2013

(I support the scientists in a large research building. I get a call from one of them.)

Caller: “I need help removing my extended absence greeting from my voice mail.”

Me: “Okay, to do that you need to login to your voicemail and select option 4.”

Caller: “How do you do that?”

Me: “You press 4.”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that. Can I get an onsite visit?”

Me: “We can’t generate an onsite visit for this issue; however, if you go to our intranet site there is a chart with all the menu options.”

Caller: “That’s too complicated.”

Me: “…you’re a scientist with several Ph.D.’s.”

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Rage Against The Machine

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Right | November 21, 2013

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. May I please get the phone number associated with the account you are calling about?”

Caller: *enters phone number without saying anything*

Me: “…I’m sorry; I need you to tell me the phone number, please.”

Caller: *again enters the phone number without saying anything*

Me: “…Hello. This is a live person, not the automated system. I need you to actually tell me the phone number, not enter it on the phone, please.”

Caller: *to someone in the background* “It’s not working! Just hang up and we’ll try again.”

Me: “Hello. I can hear you. I’m a live person, if you—”

Caller: *click*

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Forget The Haters ‘Cause Somebody Loves Ya

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Working | November 16, 2013

(While walking back to my office, one of my users stops me and asks for help with his computer.)

Me: “What can I help you with, [Name]?”

User: “Well, I’m trying to watch this video online, and it’s not loading past the first couple of minutes.”

(I take a look at the screen, and notice that he’s trying to watch a Miley Cyrus video.)

Me: “Dude, really? Miley Cyrus?”

User: “But it’s a catchy tune!”

Me: “The plague was also catchy and look at how that ended.”

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