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ISPy

| Petach Tikva, Israel | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Technology

(I’m working the night shift on a Friday, around 3 am.)

Me: “[ISP]. This is [My Name] at your service.”

Customer: “My Internet isn’t working, and I know why! It’s because of [unintelligible].”

(I thought I’d heard something about spies, but I wasn’t sure, so I just kept going.)

Me: “I see. Let’s figure out what the problem is, so we can find a solution.”

Customer: “But I know what the problem is! I’m being spied on! It’s the spies! They’re ruining my Internet.”

Me: *sticking to the protocol that exists exactly for that purpose* “Well, if you’re sure someone is spying on you, you have to contact the police.”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t need to call the police. I’m not that paranoid. Anyway, they’re spying on me, too, so they probably know all about it.”

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What Good Was That Chat

| RI, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

(I work as a remote chat agent for a phone and Internet provider. I help customers add features to their phones, like international if they are traveling, or parental controls. I do not have direct account access, and usually this is no problem for most people.)

Me: “Happy Tuesday! Welcome to [Company] Online Features Sales! How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? You can’t do anything because you don’t have access to my account. You’re just a waste of time and my money.”

Me: “I can still do my best to assist you, even without direct account access!”

Customer: “So, what good are you? And you’re probably not an American.”

Me: “I am, actually. I live in Rhode Island. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? You can’t help me. Your job doesn’t help anyone.”

Me: “I am very sorry to hear that. Unless you have a question or inquiry, I will need to end this chat. Do you have any questions for me before I do so?”

Customer: “So, what good are you? F*** you.”

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]!”

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The Golden Age Of Tech Support

| UK | Awesome Customers, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from a customer about computer text-sizes. I can hear from the user’s voice that he was getting on a bit, and notice in the ‘notes’ section that the customer is semi-retired and not very computer-savvy. After I have explained:)

Caller: “Oh! I think I understand. I’ve not changed the text size, but I’m on my old laptop; the new one is in for repair. I’m just doing this for my son while he’s on holiday, and I’m more comfortable on the sofa. Give me a moment; I’ll just try plugging it into the TV…”

(At first I think he meant an external monitor, but as he fiddled around with the cables he explained he’d bought this particular TV for the range of different connectors it had, so the great-grandchildren could bring round their game consoles and he could watch his blu-ray discs from the laptop that was in for repair. He was rather scathing about the staff in the electronics shop who’d not listened to what he wanted and tried to sell him a much simpler model with big buttons on top.)

Caller: “Right, I’ll just get the RDP session back up… Oh, yes, that’s better. All the buttons are showing now.”

Me: “Great. So, did you need help with the new process?”

Caller: “No, the instructions are pretty clear. It’s good to not have all that mucking around printing things any more. Here’s hoping I can get the wireless keyboard and mouse to work with this old thing. I don’t want to be sitting on the floor. It’ll make my arthritis play up and I’ve got a class this afternoon!”

Me: “Oh, what are you doing?”

Caller: “I teach computers for senior citizens at the local college. They didn’t want to let me do it at first, said I’m too old, but I said to them, who better to understand how to explain things to pensioners than another pensioner! Who else really understands what sort of things we want to be doing? And the students can’t say they’re too old to understand when the teacher’s 96, can they? Though some people you just can’t help. Like my son; I expect he calls you a lot.”

(Every time I get a customer who says they’re too old to learn computers, I tell them about this man…)