Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help?”

Customer: *very irate* “Yeah! I didn’t pay my Internet bill and now it’s saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!”

Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account, and you would like to know why?”

Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?”

Me: “All right, let me take a look here… My system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.”

Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f****** sympathy here! Are you customer service?”

Me: “I’m tech support.”

Customer: “Where is customer service at?!”

Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues. I’ll transfer you down to them.”

Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole; you know that? You need to have more empathy for people!”

Me: *in the most uppity happy-go-lucky voice ever conceived; I almost gagged from bringing so much joy up* “You have yourself a fabulously sunshine-filled day, sir!”

Customer: “WHAT’S YOUR F****** NA–” *click*

(Gotta love that transfer button…)

User: “My computer’s not working properly. It stopped working when you were up here doing whatever you were doing, so you need to fix it.”

Tech Support Engineer: “I was upstairs writing down names. I wrote your name on a Post-It note. I’m not sure how that broke your computer.”

(A customer calls in to a call center and states that he can’t connect to his internet. After about 20 minutes of trying to get the customer to troubleshoot, none of which he can manage to do, the rep figures the cable is simply disconnected. However, since the customer can’t troubleshoot they come up with a clever way to fix the problem.)

Rep: “Sir, can you unplug that big phone cord looking cable from the box with blinking lights and your main computer box and hold both ends in your hands for me?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on.” *shuffles around* “Well that was easy. Got it.”

Rep: “Okay, what I need you to do is swing one end of that around above your head as hard as you can. Sometimes bad packets get stuck in the end, making it impossible to connect to the internet.”

Customer: “Alright! One second.” *whooshing in the background* “… Okay, done, Now what?”

Rep: “Okay, now plug it back in to the back of the blinking lights box and the main computer box and let me know when you have done that.”

Customer: “Wow! That really worked! Thanks!” *click*

Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!”

Me: “Sure, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that’s possible!”

Caller: “What do I need to do that?”

Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.”

Caller: “Hey, but I just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?”

Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*

(Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn’t connect to the back office computer)

Me: “So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?”

Customer: “DIP switch?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside.”

Customer: “Eeeerrr… there are no switches there.”

Me: “Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord.”

Customer: “No. There are no switches. Not anymore!”

Me: *puzzled* “Huh? Not anymore? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, you know, my colleague told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them.”

Me: “REMOVED THEM?!”

Customer: “Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel.”