(A customer is wondering why her anti-virus is asking her to purchase the program.)

Me: “What is the name of your anti-virus?”

Customer: “It is [Well-Known Fake Anti-Virus Program].”

Me: “Ma’am, that is a fake anti-virus. Do not purchase that program because it will not protect your computer.”

Customer: “No! Why do you want me to disable my anti-virus? I will not get rid of it! It’s keeping my computer safe! I already purchased it three times and it still wants me to pay again! All I want to know is how to stop it from asking me to pay!”

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to swap the hard drive from this old laptop into my new one.”

Me: “Okay, not a problem.”

(I ring her up and start work on switching the hard drives. I notice on the old laptop there is a band-aid over the webcam. After finishing work on it, the lady grabs the band-aid from the old computer and puts it over the webcam on the new one.)

Customer: “I put that there so they can’t watch me.”

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Me: “Okay, sir. Since doing that doesn’t seem to be working, can you clear your cache and cookies again and restart your computer, please?”

Caller: “Okay.”

(I hear fumbling on his line of the phone.)

Me: “Sir, just a quick question. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?”

Caller: “It’s on a desk.”

Me: “Okay, next question, does the monitor fold down onto the keyboard?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Does the monitor and keyboard have wires going from them to a big box with lights on it?”

Caller: “That’s way too technical for me to understand.”

Me: “Can you take it around with you around your home?”

Caller: “I’ve heard of flexible computer that people can fold up and take with them everywhere.”

Me: “That’s a laptop, sir. Is that what you have?”

Caller: “I still can’t login!”

(I’m twenty minutes into troubleshooting an internet connection.)

Me: “Okay, now right-click on that screen.”

Caller: “Right-click. It’s not working.”

Me: “Just make sure you’re right-clicking for a moment.”

Caller: “I will. Right-click, see nothing happens! Can’t you fix this already?”

(I realize that she is left-clicking on the page for nothing to be happening.)

Me: “Can you click the button on the right-hand side for me?”

Caller: “You clearly don’t know what you’re doing because it’s not working!”

Me: “Do you know your left from your right?”

Caller: “Obviously!”

Me: “Look at your mouse.”

Caller: “I am looking at it.”

Me: “See the button on the left and the button on the right? Click the button on the right.”

Caller: “Oh it worked. I thought you meant your right!”

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(A customer calls in to get help setting up a video conferencing unit with a display on the remote that shows the status of selection.)

Me: “So, are you pointing the remote at the unit?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is the display on the remote? Is the top or bottom closest to you?

Customer: “The bottom is closest to me.”

Me: “Okay, turn the remote around so the LCD is towards the unit.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “What do you see?”

Customer: “The back of the remote.”

Related:
Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 2
Not Remotely Intelligent

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