Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!”

Me: “Sure, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that’s possible!”

Caller: “What do I need to do that?”

Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.”

Caller: “Hey, but I just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?”

Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*

(Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn’t connect to the back office computer)

Me: “So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?”

Customer: “DIP switch?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside.”

Customer: “Eeeerrr… there are no switches there.”

Me: “Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord.”

Customer: “No. There are no switches. Not anymore!”

Me: *puzzled* “Huh? Not anymore? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, you know, my colleague told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them.”

Me: “REMOVED THEM?!”

Customer: “Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel.”

Customer #1: “Ah… okay. Thanks for your help.”

Me: “That’s what I’m here for.”

Customer #2: “I need help…”

Me: “…and that is how it’s done.”

Customer #2: “That was simple. You made me feel dumb.”

Me: “That’s what I’m here… I mean…” (I didn’t know what to say from there)

Customer: “I want a computer where I can type in Russian and it will print in English.”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have Russian keyboards.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine. I’ll just tape Russian letters on.”

Me: “Sir, it will still be an English keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, so what if I glue the letters on?”

Me: *thunk thunk thunk* “Still English.”

Tech Support: “So, you’re having issues picking up your wireless signal. How many connections are there?”

Customer: “There are two other networks but only one bar on each. Those are my bad neighbors.”

Tech Support: “So, the good signal isn’t there? Hmm, your modem might be off; can we check that?”

Customer: “Modem?”

(Tech support troubleshoots that for a while before realizing the guy has never paid for Internet before and doesn’t own a modem.)

Tech Support: “Sir, when you said the other connections were your ‘bad neighbors’… did you mean that the good neighbor with the good signal isn’t there?”

Customer: “Oh, he moved?”

This story is part of our Neighbor roundup!

Read the next Neighbor roundup story!

Read the Neighbor roundup!