(The following written exchange takes place in a log book where users report problems with computers.)

User: “The mouse pointer on computer five doesn’t work. Please fix it.”

Me: “Hello [user]. I was unable to reproduce the problem. The mouse on computer five is working fine.”

User: “Are you insane? The pointer hardly budges when you move the mouse. Fix it, nerd.”

Me: “Sorry but I’m still unable to find any problems with the mouse on PC 5. I cleaned it as a precaution.”

User: “This is stupid. That mouse still doesn’t work! I’ve come here three times and I can’t use the stupid computer. I can’t believe they pay idiots like you to work here. Get a new mouse!”

Me: “Hi. I still can’t find any problems, but I replaced the mouse on computer 5 just for you. Try it now.”

User: “It’s still not working, but forget it. I’m meeting a professor here tomorrow to look at the mouse. I want him to read this and see what kind of idiot is working here.”

Professor: “The problem with Computer 5 is resolved. The user was picking up the mouse and aiming it at the screen. I showed him how to use the mouse pad. Keep up the good work!”

Caller: “I think someone stole my identity!”

Me: “What happened?”

Caller: “I clicked on an email that said it from a girl named Chrisy from some dating site. I don’t go on those kinds of sites. But it came to me, so I’m not sure if this is a virus.”

Me: “Spammers can fake the recipient info. They can make it look like it’s coming from and going to anyone. Don’t worry.”

Caller: “But it says my name.”

Me: “Well, it’s a fairly common name. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

Caller: “I guess. So, did I download a virus?”

Me: “Not likely, unless you clicked to the linked website or you opened an attachment. Did you do that?”

Caller: “No! I don’t do that! Can you come over and run my anti-virus checker just in case?”

Me: “I can connect remotely and run it, yes.”

Caller: “Thanks. I can never be too careful with these invisible Russian thugs.”

(My phone rings a couple of hours after regular business hours. As I answer, an agitated customer is on the line.)

Customer: “Help! I have to print an invoice report to deliver today. It says here that the printer cannot be found!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Can you tell me the printer’s network ID?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s [printer ID]. Can you get it to work quickly?”

(I proceed to check the printer software on the main server. I find some problems. I quickly fix them and get back to the customer.)

Me: “Sir, I found a small problem with the printer software and fixed it. I need you to turn off the printer and turn it back on again, to synchronize it.”

Customer: “What? I can’t!”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean you can’t?”

Customer: “I can’t turn it off and back on! The printer is in my boss’s office. He already left for the day! The door is locked!”

Me: “Does anyone there have the key to open the office?”

Customer: “No! I’m alone in the building! What should I do?”

Me: “Wait. Let me see if I get it: you can’t go to the printer because it is inside a locked room, and you need to print a report to deliver it today?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How were you planning to get the printed report from the printer, anyway?”

*long pause*

Customer: “Never mind. I’ll print it tomorrow.”

*click*

(I work as a tech support agent for a cell phone company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support! My name is Steven. May I please have the ten-digit telephone number you’re calling about today?”

(The customer rattles off the number.)

Me: “Thank you! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “You can fix my d*** phone, that’s what!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having issues with your phone, sir. What exactly is going on?”

(The customer proceeds to explain the issue, with a good deal of vulgarity involved.)

Me: “Okay, sir, that’s actually a known issue with the phone. I can walk you through some steps to get it fixed.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Just turn the f***ing dial or whatever!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I know you have a dial or a knob or something to make my phone connect! Just f***ing push it!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here’s what we need to do. Type in this code, exactly the way I tell you. When it comes back up, let me know. This will let me connect to your phone, and make sure it’s tied to the tower. Now, it might erase some of your data on the phone. It’s a new method we’re trying out.”

(I give him the steps to reset the phone, which is exactly what we’re supposed to do to fix the problem.)

Customer: “Finally!”

(He punches in the code. We wait for the phone to reboot. I’m quietly typing notes into the account.)

Customer: “It’s back up now.”

Me: “Great, sir! I’m going to push the button to reconnect you now!”

(I put the headset microphone close to my keyboard, and pound on a button. I make a nice, loud CLICK sound.)

Me: “Okay, try making a call to our test number.”

(I give him the test number. The customer dials the number and gets the automated response.)

Me: “Alright then, sir. Looks like you’re back up and running! Was there anything else?”

Customer: “No, that’s it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the button.” *hangs up*

Customer: “I want a printer that doesn’t take ink.”

Me: “You mean, like a laser printer that takes toner?”

Customer: “No, I want one that you don’t have to put ink in.”

Me: “As in, you never need to replace the cartridges?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not possible.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Conservation of mass?”