Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows started popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

(About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”

(Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re open twenty-four hours, so even if it’s one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f****** technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre won’t be able to resolve my fault.”

Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

(The company I work for is in the business of hosting websites. I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble logging into his control panel.)

Customer: “I can’t login to my website.”

Me: “What’s your domain name?”

Customer: “[username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “That sounds like an email address to me, not a domain.”

Customer: “That’s my dominion.”

Me: “Your domain name should be something like www.[sitename].com.”

Customer: “Right, it’s [username]@yahoo.com.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a domain name.”

Customer: “Yes, that’s my dominion!”

(I have been troubleshooting this customer’s cable for a while now. Finally, after getting his TV on the proper input, this happens.)

Me: “Sir, does the little red light on the remote blink when you press a button on the remote?”

Customer: “Err… no?”

Me: “Okay, sir, that means the batteries in the remote are dead.”

Customer: “What? That’s terrible! They can die?”

Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”

Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

(I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”

Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”

Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”

(I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)

Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”

Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”

Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”

Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”

Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.”

This story is part of the Customers Suffering The Consequences Of Their Own Actions roundup!

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