(While walking back to my office, one of my users stops me and asks for help with his computer.)

Me: “What can I help you with, [Name]?”

User: “Well, I’m trying to watch this video online, and it’s not loading past the first couple of minutes.”

(I take a look at the screen, and notice that he’s trying to watch a Miley Cyrus video.)

Me: “Dude, really? Miley Cyrus?”

User: “But it’s a catchy tune!”

Me: “The plague was also catchy and look at how that ended.”

(I work as IT support for a law firm. Usually I am very understanding when someone asks me a question with an obvious answer, since most lawyers don’t know PCs very well.)

Lawyer: “HELP! My PC is going crazy! Triangles EVERYWHERE!”

Me: “Triangles? What kind of triangles? Do you mean error messages with a warning sign?”

Lawyer: “No, triangles! And a lot of them! I can’t finish my email. Please help me!”

Me: “One moment please, I will connect to your PC to see what’s going on.”

(I start the software and connect to his PC, and see Outlook doing ‘^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^’ without pause.)

Me: “Mr. [Name], is it possible that something is lying on the keyboard?”

Lawyer: *silence*

Me: “Maybe on the upper left corner?”

(At this moment, the ‘triangles’ stop.)

Lawyer: “I guess it wasn’t a good idea to place the book on the keyboard. Please wait a second.”

(He deletes the symbols and tries to write a normal sentence. Without the book pressing a different button, it obviously works.)

Lawyer: “I think I could have figured that out myself. Usually I’m very good with the computer. Thank you. Bye.”

(The lawyer hangs up and my coworker turns to me.)

Coworker: “Hey, Mr. [Name] again? How many times did he call us this week?”

Me: “I had him eight times on the line. I don’t know about the others.”

(I get a call from ‘Windows Technical Support.’ Straight away I know he is a scammer.)

Scammer: “We have been monitoring the reports from my computer these past few weeks, and your computer is badly infected with many viruses.”

(I put on my confused old lady voice.)

Me: “Oh, dear, that’s terrible.”

Scammer: “Don’t worry; everything will be fine. I can help you eradicate the viruses right away.”

Me: “Oh, thank you so much! Now, which computer is it?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, it is your computer.”

Me: “But there are several computers here; which one is it?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, your computer has been sending us a signal that it is infected with many viruses.”

Me: “But which computer was sending you the signal? You just said one, so it can’t be all of them. Which one is it?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, it will be the computer you will be using for the internet.”

Me: “But I use all of them for the internet. Which one has the problem?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, if you will just be going to your computer, I will be telling you how to fix the problem.”

Me: “But you still haven’t told me which computer it is. If it’s sending you a signal, you must know which one it is.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, it will be the one you are on right now.”

Me: “I’m not on a computer right now; I’m eating supper. Which computer was sending you a signal?”

(There is a long pause.)

Scammer: “Ma’am, if you will just be going to your computer—”

Me: “But which one? Why can’t you tell me which one? If it sent you a signal, you must be able to tell from that.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, we just have the report that your computer is being infected with many viruses.”

Me: “Well, your report must tell you which computer it is, too.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, if you will just be going to your computer—”

Me: “But you still haven’t told me which one it is. Are you trying to fool me? Which computer has the problem?”

(There is a longer pause.)

Scammer: “Ma’am, it will be the one with Windows 7.”

Me: “But they’re all Windows 7 computers. Which one is it? Why can’t you tell which one it is? I think you’re trying to play a trick on me.”

(There is an even longer pause.)

Scammer: “Never mind, the new report is saying that your computer is fine. Good bye.” *click*

(I am called for technical support to a customer’s house, since their wireless internet is not working.)

Customer: “So, my son got this wireless router but it doesn’t work, and I can’t connect to the internet anymore either.”

(I look at the modem to find that it has been completely unplugged. Instead, they have a wireless router without a power supply, and an ethernet line leading to the PC, but it’s not wired into anything else.)

Me: “Well, here is your problem; you have unplugged your modem and your new router won’t work unless it’s plugged into the modem, which you still have. I would be happy to wire the system back up for you if you have the old power supply available.”

Customer: “Well, I threw it out because my son said we didn’t need it.”

Me: “Er, right. You are aware that the modem and power supply are not your property? They are leased to you with your internet connection. I have a spare one, but it comes with a part cost and I will need to charge you for the loss of the old one.”

Customer: “I see what’s happening here; you’re trying to scam me out of money. I don’t want it.”

Me: “I can’t restore your connection without replacing the part. If it was broken or faulty, I would be able to do it for free, but since you just told me you threw it out, I have to charge you for it.”

Customer: “You won’t charge if it’s broken, right?”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “If the modem is broken, you can give me a new one right?”

(I think I see where this is going…)

Me: “Yes, if the modem is broken, I can give you an updated unit with a new power supply, but since your old unit does not appear to be faulty, I can’t replace it.”

Customer: “Okay, can you test it and see if it’s faulty?”

(I figured at this point that there is no harm, and that if it was showing fault I could replace it for free.)

Me: “Okay, let me just go and get the power supply from my van.”

(As I’m halfway out the door, I hear a massive bang, and the sounds of stamping. I head back upstairs to see the modem now on the floor, and the customer’s foot planted firmly on top.)

Customer: “It’s broken, so get me a new one.”

Me: “I just saw you destroy it.”

Customer: “I’ll pay you £30 to say you didn’t see anything.”

Me: “But it would have cost you £8 for a new power supply.”

Customer: “It’s not the amount; it’s the principle!”

(I eventually replaced the whole unit for a cost of £15 and left. Next month I heard the customer called back. The next technician that went there said that the customer’s son had come by and told his mother she didn’t need the modem, then unplugged it and threw it away. The company, after reading both our reports, decided to cancel the contract then and there.)

(I’m contacting tech support of a well-known manufacturer of external hard drive backup units.)

Technician: “Thank you for calling [Company Name]; how can I assist you?”

Me: “I have a hard drive that is smoking. I need to send it in for service, as well as verify there are no safety concerns for the others we have purchased.”

Technician: “Okay, can you please connect the product and switch it on?”

Me: “Did you just seriously ask me to plug in a product that is smoking and potentially a fire hazard?”

Technician: “…yes.”

Me: “…okay!”

(At this point, I decide to have a little fun with this technician with my coworker.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve plugged it in, and now it’s smoking.”

Technician: “Okay, can you now please—”

Me: “Now it has caught fire; there are flames coming out the back.”

Coworker: “Is something burning? OH MY GOD! CALL 911! I’ll get the fire extinguisher!”

Technician: “Oh, my, umm, uh, I will need to connect you with my manager.”

Me: “Yeah, you do that…”