Scammer: “Hello Ma’am. This is Microsoft Tech Support. We have a report from your internet service provider that your computer has been hacked and is sending out viruses.”

Me: “Oh really?”

Scammer: “Yes, Ma’am. Your ISP is giving this tech support assistance absolutely free to all their customers. I just need you to sit down at your computer and I’ll give you directions so on how to fix the problem.”

Me: “And who did you say is calling?”

Scammer: “This is Microsoft Tech Support. And the call is absolutely free. If you will just turn on your computer, I’ll walk you through fixing the problem so that we can stop the hackers from using your machine.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Scammer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “You aren’t Microsoft Tech Support. This is a scam.”

Scammer: “No, Ma’am. Windows is from Microsoft, and I’m calling because your Internet Service Provider contacted Microsoft about your computer being hacked. Your ISP is paying for this call; therefore, we here at Microsoft can help you fix your computer free of charge.”

Me: “I don’t think so. You’re hacker and you’re trying to get access to my computer. And it won’t work because I already know it’s a scam. I use Linux.”

(Very long silence… *click*)

Customer: “I’m not getting my emails on my phone.”

Me: “Okay, your email isn’t syncing because you haven’t typed your password in.”

Customer: “What’s my password?!”

Me: “I don’t know sir; it would be whatever you originally chose for a password.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t remember. Why don’t you know it?!”

Me: “That would negate the purpose of a password, sir. You don’t WANT me to know your password. Your email accounts have nothing to do with [Company].”

Customer: “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF CUSTOMER SERVICE?!” *storms out*

Customer: *calling my office phone* “My scanner hasn’t worked for two weeks! Why haven’t you fixed it yet?”

(I glance at my computer, checking my tickets. Nothing in this person’s name.)

Me: “Have you called a ticket in? What is the ticket number?”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “Well, luckily, I have a gap between appointments and can come over to look at it now.”

(I head over.)

Customer: “See? Nothing.”

Me: “How long has it been unplugged?”

(I’m working in the local IT department of an international law firm.)

Me: “IT support. How may I help you?”

Lawyer: “I can’t print.”

(I see the lawyer’s name and room number on my display.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Lawyer]. What do you mean, you can’t print? I don’t have reports of printer malfunctions, yet. Could you please describe your problem further? Do you get an error message?”

Lawyer: “I can’t print! There is no error message; the d*** thing doesn’t react at all!”

Me: “On which printer are you trying to print?”

Lawyer: “Which printer? F****** all of them! I even installed a printer on a different floor!”

(I connect remotely to his PC and see that he has a Word document open and every printer in the selection box gives the status ‘ready’. Additionally I check every printer on his floor via our Web Interface for error messages. No error comes up.)

Lawyer: “I need the last page printed out ASAP. Every time I’m in a hurry these d*** PCs aren’t working. Why can’t you and your colleagues get these f****** things to work like they should?”

Me: “Uhm… you need the last page printed? That would be page three of that document?”

Lawyer: “No, godd*** it! Are you blind? Here, in the line ‘print page xx’ I typed in page four! I need page four! I have a meeting with a client in five minutes and I need this page for my notes! F***!”

Me: “Is this the correct document? Because I see that this document only has three pages.”

(I change the four into a three and click on ‘print,’ and sure enough the printer in his office starts printing.)

Me: “The printer seems to be working fine. Is this the page you need?”

Lawyer: “Uhm… this is the page… Yes… Well… I can handle it from here. Bye.” *click*

(I do a lot of support for products I sell online via direct chat in text. Often google translate is used by customers. Unfortunately, my customer doesn’t know I speak Spanish and begins to rely on the translator. Please note that ‘tenía’ is past tense for ‘I have’ and ‘tenia’ means ‘tapeworm.’)

Me. “Ah, it appears that you unlinked the product. That’s okay; I’ll send you a new one.”

Customer: “Ah, tapeworm is my culpa!”

(My friends and I now use that for ‘my bad.’)