Me: “[Support], how can I help?”

Customer: “My iPad won’t connect to the wifi in the hotel!”

Me: “Okay, any error messages?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “Okay, I need your MAC address to see if you’re associated with our network. Go to settings/general/wifi address.”

Customer: “I don’t have general.”

Me: “Okay, you should have. Settings/general. Fourth option down?”

Customer: “No, not there.”

Me: “What have you got?”

Customer: “Settings/more networks.”

Me: “You sure it’s an iPad?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s got Samsung on the back!”

(I work after hours at an IT service desk. I come in one night for my first shift of the week, and go up to the level I work on. I swipe my card at the security door, but it doesn’t work. Confused, I go downstairs, thinking that security might be able to let me in, but no guards are there and I don’t know their number. I call one of the many numbers for the service desk, to get one of my colleagues to let me in. My team leader opens the door.)

Me: *still confused* “Why isn’t the door working?”

Team Leader: *deep sigh* “The door’s broken, and security has to let you in. You should have called them.”

Me: “I don’t have their number.”

Team Leader: “Don’t be stupid. It’s right here, on the out-of-order sign!” *he points*

Me: “You mean the sign on the inside of the door, that I can’t see when it’s closed?”

Team Leader: “Yes, of course… oh.”

(Our tech support department has just sent out an email with instructions on how to configure something, complete with screenshots. I overhear the colleague next to me receiving a support call.)

Colleague: “Hello, this is tech support. How can I help you?”

Colleague: “Yes, you have to follow these instructions.”

Colleague: “You see that dialog box?”

Colleague: “Great, click the okay button!”

Colleague: “What do you mean, nothing happens?”

Colleague: “You should really see that other screen after clicking okay on that dialog box!”

Colleague: “You do see the dialog box, right?”

Colleague: “Good, and you do click okay on it, right?”

(After about 15 minutes of trying to figure it out, I see my colleague doing a double face-palm and trying hard not to laugh.)

Colleague: “Okay, so it works now?”

Colleague: “Great, thank you for calling! Have a nice day!”

Me: “So what was the problem?”

Colleague: “You’ll never guess… the person was clicking the screenshot!”

(I worked the support line for a large PC company. One night a woman calls in who has the breathiest, sexiest voice I’d ever heard and she is relaying my instructions to her boyfriend. I mute my phone and grab my friend.)

Me: “[Coworker]! I need your help!”

(Coworker plugs her headset into my phone.)

Me: *unmuting* “Okay, ma’am, let’s boot into safe mode and see where the problem is. Press F9 over and over as fast as you can.”

Customer: *to her boyfriend* “Ohhhh, baby, you gotta go faster! Hit it faster, baby! FASTER!”

(Coworker’s eyes go wide and stifles a giggle.)

Coworker: “Holy s****, [My Name], what did you drag me into?”

Me: “Are you kidding? When I tell this story later no one would believe it if I didn’t have a witness.”

(Coworker started to protest but stopped and gave the ‘good point’ acceptance nod. Sure enough for the rest of the night our whole floor went to her to confirm my ‘p*rncall’ story wasn’t made up.)

(A customer calls in about not being able to access our website. While troubleshooting this exchange happens:)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, after you’re done clearing your browsing history can I get you to close out of your browser to refresh it.”

Customer: “Now this won’t kick you out will it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand your question.”

Customer: “When I close off your website, will I lose my connection with you? Because I was on hold a really long time.”

Me: “So… you’re asking that if you close out of the site on your computer it will hang our phone call?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can absolutely guarantee you closing your browser will not hang up your phone.”

Customer: “Oh, thank goodness, because I really didn’t want to have to call back and be on hold again.”